" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

"... ... ... ... You know..."

Chomusuke: *Blissful purring*

"The more I look at it, the less I think this is a normal cat... You don't shed even in summer... Is this like really just this world's version of cats or something more... I've seen catgirls adventurers around already, so... That's what Kazuma would think, anyway-"

Darkness: EVERYONE !! LET'S HUNT A MONSTER BOUNTY ! A BIG ONE !

"Gh- !"

Chomusuke: MEOOOOOOOOOOOOWW !!

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH !!"

"So... Firstly, nice to have you back. Second, what was that right before I almost got my eye gouged out ?"

Darkness: I- I just stopped by the guild to see of there was any good quests. People seem to be having trouble with this one !

"Hold on. You disappear for an entire night, and this is how you come back ? What even happened with Alderp ?"

Darkness: Idiot, I wasn't out all night ! I stayed at my house because I didn't want to bother you guys by coming home late ! But listen, this is what matters !

"... ... Bounty: Kowloon hydra... ? What is this, one of the twelve tasks ?"

Darkness: Twelve tasks ? Never heard of that. The Kowloon hydra lives in the mountains near Axel. When it uses up all the magical power its stored in its body, it goes to sleep at the bottom of a lake. There, it starts absorbing MP from the surrounding land. A hydra can take up to ten years to store enough MP to wake up again... And this one went to sleep just about a decade ago.

"... Talk about over-sleeping... I can get how this would concern us, but... This certainly ain't the first time it happened, so they must have some form of counter-measure ready."

Darkness: Y- yes, but...

"Tell me. You wouldn't happen to come up with this quest to distract us so we don't ask questions about last night, would you ? They were worried that weirdo was putting the moves on you."

Darkness: Wha ?! Wh- What happened yesterday has nothing to do with any of you. It's Noble business, you should stay out of it. A- Anyway, I'll talk to Megumin. I'll bet she'd be interested...

"Everyone's out right now. Megumin and Kazuma went to one of their so-called 'Explosion dates'. And Aqua's shopping to get a collar for her ch- erm, dragon."

Darkness: O- Oh.

"And you know Kazuma. No matter how much you cry and beg, he's staying home."

Darkness: B- But ! Grass has been seen growing by the lakeside recently. That means the hydra doesn't need to absorb any more magical power from the land and will soon wake up. And when it does, the town will be in danger !

"And unless you convince him this mansion of his will be crushed, there's no way you can get him to move his butt. If you want him to move, you have to threaten him with what he knows is dangerous. Which means the threat of me shoving a blaster up his a-"

Kazuma: Can't believe I got dragged into this... Just asking, but... What if we can't defeat the hydra ? What if we only manage to make it angry ?

"That was my question. Doesn't the kingdom has some strategy against these ?"

Darkness: No problem. The army has actually dealt with other hydras by surrounding and agitating them until they wore themselves out of magic and went back to sleep. The capital will be sending some knights about the time this Hydra should be waking up.

Kazuma: So we've got insurance. Uh... But doesn't that mean we could just let the knights handle this ? No need to go sticking our noses in...

Darkness: Er, uh, but that would only kick the hydra problem down the road, not actually solve it...

"... ... Something's different... usually, you would rush with the intent of being crushed by that hydra... But now it seems like you're genuinely wanting it gone..."

Aqua: NOOOOOOOOOOO !! NO HYDRAS !!

Kazuma: Come on ! We need you to help us wake the monster !

Aqua: BUT WHYYYY ?! DARKNESS, WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT WITH THIS BOUNTY ?! LET ME GO HOME ! I HAVE TO BE THERE WHEN EMPEROR ZEL IS BORN !!

Kazuma: Your chick's got plenty of time ! And he'll be fine at Wiz's place !

Aqua: Why do you insist on calling him a chick ?!

"Okay, so the hydra hates clean water, it shouldn't be long before it shows up."

Megumin: She kind of looks like a floating corpse out there... ... hey, I keep wondering... How is it that Aqua can purify water without even seeming to intone any magic ?

Darkness: I must say I'm curious too. I thought perhaps it was one of her party tricks.

Kazuma: Oh, that ? She claims it's because she's the goddess of water or something.

*... ... ... ... ... ...*

Megumin: This is it !! I can feel an extraordinary magic rising up from the bottom of the lake !

"Good ! AQUA, HERE IT COMES ! GET OUT OF HERE !!"

Aqua: Huh ? Go there, come here, make up your mind... !

Kazuma: Just a second... Does that thing look even bigger than they said ?

"According to my notes... The largest hydras are the size of a house..."

Aqua: GUUUUYSSSS !! Something very, very big is coming for me !!

Kazuma: No choice now ! I'll keep our escape route open ! Megumin, get your magic ready ! Darkness, keep her safe ! And blast off its dome !

Darkness: Got it ! i'm like a brick wall !

Megumin: It's m- m- much bigger than I anticipated, but i'm sure m- m- my Explosion magic can still take it...

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh... Shiiiiiiiiiiii-..."

Kazuma: 'Aw, crap. Shoulda passed on this one.'

Eris: Well, if it isn't Kazuma. Dead again ? Pathetic !

Kazuma: Gee, aren't we in a fine mood, Eris-sama.

Eris: Sorry ! It's such a famous line, I had to try it. I'm surprised to see you so calm, though.

Kazuma: Let's just say I'm getting used to this.

Eris: Ahem... Everyone else is-

*POOF*

"O- Oh... Damn it, caught me by surprise there !"

Kazuma: Got you too ?

"Fucker backstabbed me from a dead angle. I'm going back."

*Viom*

Eris: ... As I was saying, everyone else is mostly fine. They've retreated to a safe location. And Darkness got herself eaten by the hydra in order to collect your body.

Kazuma: What, on purpose ? That's going a little far... What's the deal with that thing anyway ? We blow off half its heads with explosion magic, and it just grows them right back ? Not very fair !

*POOF*

"F*CKER !! Almost had it !! Third time's the charm !!"

*Viom*

Kazuma: ... So How's my body after it got eaten ? I guess if it's too damaged, I can't come back or something.

Eris: Umm... I- It's okay ! You're still resurrectable ! You're only missing about... Thirty percent...

Kazuma: Forget I asked.

"... ... ... What to do, what to do..."

Aqua: Maybe stop rushing recklessly ? I'm getting tired of resurrecting you !

"... ... I need a bird-eye view. I cam to the conclusion, the hydra sleeps at the bottom of the lake, right ?"

Megumin: Yeah, they do...

"So... If there is no lake... The hydra should, like... Go away, right ?"

Aqua: You don't mean...

"You heard me perfectly. I said..."

"...Fuck..."

"...That..."

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE !!"

*POOF*

Kazuma: Again ?

"Haah... Haah... Haah... Fucker didn't know what hit them !"

Kazuma: ... Where's your arm ?

"Oh, that ? Probably kinda everywhere around what is now a scorched lake bed. You know, the recoil and all."

Kazuma: Then what killed you ?

"Experiment was conclusive, I can put all of my health bar into an attack." I'm glad I came here."

Eris: Ah... About that... Please, try not to be too mad at Darkness, okay ? I know she was the one who talked you into going on this hunt, but she had her reasons !

"She was acting a bit strange..."

Kazuma: Don't worry. I don't really blame her.

Eris: That's good. She's in shock right now, knowing that she's the reason you died.

"You sure she isn't envious of what happened to us ?"

Kazuma: 'She really is a sweetie... And cute too !'

Eris: Also... Thank you for your assistance with the divine item. You two helped keep things under control.

Kazuma: Oh, I almost forgot about that. Heck, I find divine items for breakfast ! I just wish you coulda seen me go, Eris sama !

"Wait, so... Eris is the one who told you to go after these items... But Chris was also... Uhhhh... Chris... Eris... Uhhhh..."

*PSCHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Kazuma: Wow, he really is going hard at it. But what he said, that reminds me... You said you come down to the mortal world to play around sometimes. Do you ever come to Axel ? I mean, it's sad, thinking we only get to see you when we're dead...

Eris: Heh heh. Indeed... We've already met several times in the mortal realm. I thought you might have realized by now.

Kazuma: Buh ? Wha... ? What'd you say ? We've already met ? When ? Where ? You mean... In Axel ?

Eris: I'll give you a hint, then. Down there, I don't look like I do here. I'm more outgoing, and I talk differently too.

Kazuma: Huh ? You look different ? More outgoing, talk different...

Eris: And I may be a goddess, but that doesn't mean I'm an archpriest on the mortal plane, like Aqua-senpai.

Kazuma: Hey, I've got it ! I remember when Keith was like "So it's true that eris priests' chests are inversely proportional to the size of their faith !" And Maris punched him right in the face ! That was you !

Eris: ... .... No... It wasn't.

Kazuma: huh ? It wasn't ? Oh ! Then it must be... When Dust was like, "I heard the Goddess Eris uses pads. I bet an Eris follower with big boobs would be in for some divine wrath ! Are those even real ? If you two aren't using padding, you'd better prove it to me right now, off with those shirts !" And Darkness teamed up with Seris to beat the stuffing out of him ! You must be Seris !

Eris: Wrong again.

Kazuma: I'm really sorry, Eris-sama. I give up, please tell me the answer ! Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll do something rude to you without realizing it, and then you'll have to punish me !

Eris: It's a little too late to worry about that... Considering what you did the first time we met.

Kazuma: Huh ?!

Eris: Oh, nothing ! You know, I think I'll keep my identity to myself.

Kazuma: What ?! No fair ! Now it's gonna bug me ! Come on ! Are you upset because I talked about your identity's chest ?! I swear, I never figured you would be sensitive-

Eris: A- All right, Satou Kazuma ! Looks like your resurrection is all ready to go ! See you later !

Kazuma: hey, wait ! Don't send me back ! Not 'till I've learned your true identity...

Eris: Like I said, that'll have to wait ! Buh-bye now ! Happy trails !

*VIOMP*

Eris: Phew...

"... ... Well, looks like they haven't fetched my arm back just yet... So, want me to tell him who Chris really is or..."

Eris: Please don't. He'd feel pretty bad if you told him.

"Pretty sure he would hit on you"

Eris: ... How did you figure it out ?

"Your behavior when Aqua is there, your out-of-chart luck, the shared knowledge between the two of you... The name, grudge from the first meeting, closeness with Darkness... Also, i'm sorry for threatening you with a one-way trip to Arcanletia last time."

Aqua: Welgome bag, Gazuma...

Kazuma: Hey, Aqua. Thanks for the resurrec- UGH, THAT REEKS ! What the hell ?!

Aqua: It was tough, let me tell you. The hydra's stomach acid dissolved all your clothes, among other things. At least cover your front. That sword of yours with the weird name, it came though because it was protected by its scabbard.

Megumin: "Weird name" ? I'll not tolerate such insults toward my naming sense !

"... ... ... ... ... ... I can feel my arm... That's great."

Aqua: It went all the way into some bushes over there.

Kazuma: Huh. Well, at least everyone's okay. Even if we did die. I think I'm starting to understand why the knights never finish off a hydra, though. It's not because they won't, it's because they can't. Putting it back to sleep is the best they can do. I think this one's too much for us. We should just let them handle it.

"Fwaaaaaaah... Down an arm and almost killed in Genocide mode... Why does this feels oddly foreshadowing ?"

Darkness: U-Um... Is your body all right ? You don't hurt anywhere ?

"Hey, I just died three times and lost my right arm. All in a day's work."

Darkness: You... You aren't angry at me ? I'm just... i'm the one who pushed you to go on this quest. I let my panic get the better of me. I was just so desperate to take down that Hydra...

""And where might this coming from ? In any case, I managed to vaporize that lake with Megumin, so it should go away soon, don't worry."

Darkness: yeah... You're right... I brought you a change of clothes, I'll leave it here.

"... Why do you want that hydra defeated so much ?"

Darkness: Errrr, w- well...

"... Kazuma probably won't fight for a while. But next time, we should have a strategy of sort."

Darkness; What ?! You...

"I'm not letting the bastard off on a defeat from my part. And it's the same for you, isn't it ? If you quit now, what happens to that 'I'm gonna protect the people' oath ? You'd give up after being thrown away once ?"

Darkness: Gh- Ridiculous !! Who do you take me for ?! Protecting the people is the very mission of the Dustiness household ! Next time, I'm gonna kill that Hydra dead !!

"That's the spirit. But I'm still in the bath, so could you close the door ? it's cold."

Darkness: O- Oh...

Kazuma: This rain just won't quit. Hydras are water dwellers... It'd have an advantage in this weather.

Megumin: Kazuma ! Terrible news !!

Kazuma: What's up, Megumin ?

Megumin: I just heard at the guild.. The capital announced they won't be able to send any knights to deal with the Hydra !

"... They what ?"

Megumin: It's awful timing, they're too busy trying to put the incident with the thief gang to bed. The royal guard is on the hunt, and they don't have time to deal with our puny problems... We won't be able to count on them. We'll have to do something about this ourselves.7

Kazuma: 'Man, this kinda seems like... My fault...'

"Reward... 2 Billion. 2 Billion Eris."

Kazuma: Hey, now... You gonna sell me out ?

Megumin: I don't personally wish to see that thief captured, but they've made an announcement ! A prominent fortune-teller located the ringleader of the incident right here in this town ! The other adventurers are going mad trying to find that person...

Kazuma: 'Right...'

Kazuma: 'Time to play Hikikomori for a while.'

"So you're not gonna try and lead us when we're trying to put that Hydra down, huh ?"

Kazuma: If I go outside, someone might see me, and then the gig is up !

"I'd be more concerned for Vanir if I were you. He has the same mask, and you two look kinda similar."

Kazuma: Anyway, without the knights, we're pretty much sol. Let's forget about it.

Darkness: You keep finding new ways to be hopeless !! No... wait... i've been going about this all wrong, trying to press-gang you into this... I should have tried to deal with it myself first. I might not be able to defeat that thing, but I can at least wear down its magic and put it back to sleep. Besides, even a monster that big must have at least one weakness.

Kazuma: Uh... yeah...

'Seriously, why is she so hell bent on taking out that hydra... ?'

Darkness: Sorry, Aqua... Could you... Heal me... ?

Megumin: A- Are you okay, Darkness ?! I knew we should have gone with you !

Darkness: No... The rain's only made it angrier and more dangerous. Heh... I would have liked to take at least one of its heads with me... But I guess... That was never going to happen... But next time... Next time... It's either got stronger or smarter. But I think it's angry it can't finish me off.

"Just stay at home already, Darkness. If you keep going at it on your own, you're really gonna die."

Darkness: Don't worry, i'm not as soft as you think. Plus, i'm starting to learn its attack pattern, I've got this covered.

Megumin: TERRIBLE NEWS ! DARKNESS ISN'T IN HER ROOM ! SHE MUST HAVE GONE TO HUNT THE HYDRA !!

Aqua: What ? Again ? And after we all told her not to go, we even locked her in her room !

"... Then she'll need someone to drag back whatever's left after the hydra's finished."

Aqua: You're in no better shape, you've only got one arm going !

"And that's the whole point of having telekinesis. Besides, being down one arm just means I have one left, so I can still get going."

Kazuma: ... ... GAAAAAAAH !! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE !!