It was bad, he couldn't lead like this. He would only hurt his Pack. And the pack meant everything to him, he couldn't ever let them down. But he would if he allowed himself to feel.

I took Livia's advice to heart. For the following hours I soaked myself in all the emotions I was feeling. I tried to recognize every single one of them, and I gave them a place in my head and heart. I put the need to love away for a while, locked it up in safe behind bars. It made me feel less like me, but the me I used to be wasn't a good one anyway. Then I decided which things I liked the most. Not loved, because I wouldn't love things for a while, but what I liked.
Which colour was the most beautiful one?
Which song gave me the best feeling?
What was my favourite animal? Food? Number? Memory? And which ones did I like the least?
I teased my mind with questions that I had to know for myself. If I had to build up a new me, I had to at least know what that new me would be like. What her characteristics were, that kind of stuff. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that my looks didn't fit with this person I actually was. My looks now were average, boring, and I didn't like it.
I used to love myself.
But love didn't mean anything to me then, so maybe I always felt unhappy with myself. Well, I wouldn't anymore. If I was changing anyway, I should do it completely and perfectly. Which is why I asked one of my sweet maids to bring me a dark red hair dye. Since I was quite unable to dye my hair myself, the same maid ended up doing it for me, laughing when she saw how I failed my first attempt – I can tell you, I looked beyond terrifying with my hair half coloured, and red smears of dye all over my hands, face and neck -.
As I twirled in circles in front of the mirror, putting my hands through my freshly cut and coloured hair, I felt beautiful. As winter had been approaching for a while, it was cold outside, so I had put on a thick, tight sweater and denim skinny jeans. Casual, comfortable and lovely warm in the cool air in the castle. Now it was time for the third step of Livia's advice. Get to know my mate.
As I walked around the castle looking for him but unable to find him, I started asking some maids or other people who were around if they knew where he was. Most of them didn't know, until one pointed me in the right direction.
"I think he went outside about two hours ago to deal with some pack business in the woods, some wolves went on the loose or something like that."
I thanked the boy who told me that and asked him how to go outside. Following his lead I eventually ended up outside. Directly I knew I couldn't stay out too long, as it was absolutely freezing there, soft snowflakes falling down on the frozen earth. I blew out small clouds in the crisp air and I shivered slightly, but the thought of my mission kept me going. Maybe I shouldn't have kept going, as after I went into the woods, it didn't take long before I was lost. I had no clue how to get back, because everywhere I looked were trees, trees and trees, and for some reason I couldn't scent where I had previously been walking. It was just me and the silence in the woods. It wouldn't have been bad if it wasn't so cold, but it was.
It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't windy, and the intensity of it wasn't increasing. How convenient that it was. Not.
And most of all, it wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't trip over the root of a large tree, twisted my ankle and couldn't walk anymore. Or shift into my wolf form without being in excruciating pain.
But I did trip over that stupid root. I did twist my ankle and I wasn't able to get up and walk anymore. I could only sit still, curl up in a ball against the tree trunk and feel very cold. Cold, sad and lonely. My foot didn't hurt as bad when I didn't move it, but as soon as I tried to put a little weight on it, I collapsed on the ground again, grunting in pain. Although I must admit that it was a better kind of pain than the pain of the Mate-loss syndrome. At least this pain had a source.
The seconds ticked by as I grew more and more frozen. My hands were a pale blue colour, as were my lips and nose most likely. I tried to wet my freezing lips with my tongue, but it only seemed to highlight the icy feeling. If only I could shift into my wolf form right now. My wolf had a much better sense of smell, and a thick coat that would help me stay warm. I tried again to morph into my other form, but as soon as the first bones started to shift, the pain in my ankle flared up so badly I could only cry out and morph back into my human shape.
I almost started praying to whatever God or Goddess would listen when I heard a loud howl in the distance. Via instinct I just knew that this had to be Aericon.
I felt he knew I was missing, which made me hope that I could live through this. My voice croaked as I tried to yell out to him where I was, but more than a silent scream never left my cracked, cold lips. Shivering uncontrollably now, I kept on making noise in any way I knew how, but as the minutes passed, I slowly began to lose consciousness.
Right before my eyes started to close, I saw my Aericon run into the clearing where I laid. He took my shaking form in his warm and comfortable arms before whispering in my ears. "I got you, you're safe now, I got you."