Over

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Kinikilabutan ako habang inililibot ang tingin sa apat na sulok nitong aking selda. But as compared before, I wasn't crying and begging to prove my innocence. Because this time I know I am the one at fault. Because this time I know I am not alone.

Masaya ang aking puso habang hawak-hawak ni Trisha ang kamay ko. Nasa labas siya ng selda ngunit pilit na inabot ang aking kamay mahagkan lang ito. Tristan was with her too, nasa opisina ng general, nakikipag-usap tungkol sa aking kaso.

At si Reje...hindi niya rin ako iniwan. Mula kaninang dinadakip nila ako ay nakipagsigawan pa siya, sinundan ako sa presinto at binantayan ako. He's not around this time because I told him to get Rizalde, plus I'm getting worried that his reputation might be tinted. Imagine...a governor, protecting and defending a criminal.

It is already a big deal that he is with me. A governor with clean records, no record of corruption, adored and idolized by everyone...introduced a wife who's a criminal.

I wasn't ashamed at all when all of the people concluded that I am his wife. Sino nga ba ang hindi mag-iisip ng gano'n, gayong may anak kami? And when he apologized, bended his knees in front of everyone, I became proud of a man he is. Pero hindi dahil sa asawa niya ako o ako ang ina ng anak niya. I...wasn't proud at all that I fit those roles. At this point all I'm wishing is that, I wish it wasn't me whom he's affiliated with.

Dahil nakakahiya ako...

Dahil makasalanan ako...

Katulad ng inaasahan, naging usapan sa buong Norte ang nangyaring pagdakip sa akin. Dahilan para lalo akong manliit sa sarili. If it wasn't for the people who surround me, I might let darkness succumb and bury me in the underworld.

Rizalde suppressed his tears when he saw me inside the cell. Mabilis siyang niyakap ni Reje at hinaplos ang likod nang marahan. I'm so proud of my little boy for trying to stay strong despite the situation. However, I hope he learns that showing weakness is an act of bravery only strong people can do.

I reached for Rizalde's hand and kissed the back of his palm, "Mommy's going to be okay..."

Hinaplos ko ang kaniyang kamay habang tinitingnan siya nang marahan. I smiled because I know, this too, shall pass.

"I'll get you a lawyer," sabi ni Reje.

"No need, magsasayang ka lang ng pera,"

"I insist. We need you. I can't bear to lose you again,"

"Who says you're gonna lose me? Na'ndito lang naman ako, you can always visit me anytime,"

"But that wouldn't be enough."

I smiled bitterly at what he said. Instead of responding to him, I also reached for his hand and planted soft kisses on the back of his palm. Mukhang nagulat siya sa ginawa ko dahil ramdam na ramdam ko ang kaniyang paninigas. But later it turned soft, like he just melted so suddenly as I showered him with kisses.

Reje and I, we haven't talked about our situation. No one also dared to open up about that. I guess...I will let time decide.

Isinandal niya ang kaniyang ulo sa magkahawak naming kamay. Gumanti siya ng halik at siya naman ang humahalik sa kamay ko ngayon. He let his head stay down until I felt hot tears falling on my hands. His kisses became wet and hard, his hold on my hand became tight, like his life depends on it and the warmth on my palm is his only reason to live.

"R-reje,"

"Do you know why I didn't visit you in the prison before?" he said with his strong voice, pretending that everything is fine in front of our son. His head is still hanging low, afraid that Rizalde might see how tearsoked his face is.

"W-why?"

"Because thinking of how worse your situation could be in a cell kills me...I know, once I come to see you, I will weep like a child, will also probably throw tantrums, begging everyone to let you out..."

I gasped.

"I know I will just cry. And I hated that. So instead, I busied myself trying to give back the justice that was taken away from you. In return, you hated me. But I was happy that at least you still feel something for me despite everything."

Tuluyan nang bumagsak ang luha sa aking mga mata. Reje...he suffered too.

It was so selfish of me to think that I am the only one who's hurt. Pero ang totoo ay may taong nahihirapan para sa akin...at si Reje iyon.

Ilang taon akong naging bulag sa tunay na nararamdaman niya. I didn't see his effort. I wasn't able to read beyond the lines. Just because I felt hurt I thought I was carrying the whole world, when in fact...he was trying to lift off the world on my back.

Hindi ko siya napigilan na kumuha ng lawyer. He even testified in court, he tried so hard to reason out why I did that, hoping the judge would understand. Reje even went further when he gathered all of the aces he could think of just to win this case.

Nagulat na lang ako no'ng huling hearing nang biglang magsidatingan ang mga dati kong estudyante at mga katrabaho. Gulat na gulat rin ako nang makita na kahit ang tindera sa canteen, mga janitor at janitress, security guards, ay nagpunta rin. Reje gathered them all and together, they defended me in court.

Walang pagsidlan ng tuwa ang aking puso. I cried ugly in front of everyone while watching how they fought for my freedom. Masaya ako sa ipinakita nilang pagmamahal para sa akin, pero alam kong mali na depensahan nila ako. In the end...my students, my co-teachers and friends, and Reje were defeated. Dahil mismong ako ay hindi na lumaban, kasalanan ang ginawa ko...nararapat lang na pagbayaran ko.

I am sentenced to prison for one year and two months, but because of Reje, for my students, my co-teachers and friends who appealed, my sentence is reduced to six months.

Mabilis na lumipas ang anim na buwan. Sa loob ng mga buwan na 'yon ay halos dito na sa presinto manirahan ang mga kamag-anak ko.

Despite their studies, Tristan and Trisha never failed to visit me. Alagang-alaga ako ng mga kapatid ko. Lagi silang nagdadala ng pagkain hindi lang para sa'kin ngunit para na rin sa mga kasamahan ko.

I became friends with everyone, too! Hindi katulad noon na halos inaaway ako ng lahat. Everyone...just seemed to love me now. And it made me walk on clouds, I was high, from all the affection I kept on receiving from everyone.

Sa loob ng anim na buwan ay napag-alaman kong ang iba kong kasamahan noon ay nakalaya na. I was happy for them. However, my cellmate who harassed me, ended up killing herself. Hindi na raw kinaya ang buhay sa loob kaya nagbigti na lang.

For some reason, my heart hurt for her. Dapat ay magalit ako dahil sa ginawa niyang kawalanghiyaan sa akin...pero hindi ko maramdaman iyon. Rather, I felt sympathy.

She got buried just at the back of this building. I would try to visit her grave whenever I have free time. Noong unang dalaw ko ay halos hindi ko na makita ang kaniyang lapida dahil sa dami ng dahon na nakatabon. Because of that my heart burned for her more.

"Pinapatawad na kita," I smiled as I talk to her.

"Salamat sa pagpapaligo mo sa'kin noon. Kahit sobrang tinakot mo ako, salamat pa rin kasi bumango ako kahit papaano," I chuckled.

"At samalat, dahil kung hindi dahil sa'yo ay hindi ko malalaman na nagdadalang tao na pala ako. Kung hindi dahil sa'yo...siguro ay patuloy pa rin akong nagbulag-bulagan sa sitwasyon na kinalalagyan ko..."

Gone was the fear that I felt when I got prisoned years ago. Gone was the sorrow I felt when I thought I'd grow old trapped in that hell. Gone was the hopelessness that I felt when I thought I would never be able to get up from that kind of fall.

All I can feel right now is contentment—Bliss, because shedding painful tears are over now.

"I won again!" masayang balita sa'kin ng anak ko. He is showing me his medal from winning in a chess competition.

Humalakhak ako dahil sa tuwa at gano'n din si Reje. He put his arms on the shoulder of our son and messed up Rizalde's hair a bit. Sumimangot naman ang anak ko ngunit agad ding napalitan ng ngiti. Gumanti siya at ginulo din ang buhok ng kaniyang ama.

Habang pinapanood ang kulitan nila ay hindi ko maiwasang mapaluha.

All the time that I was in prison, they never left my side. Reje, who's busy with his work, would still drive hours just to visit me here. Araw-araw silang nasa presinto ni Rizalde at umabot pa sa puntong binigyan na sila ng kwarto ng mga pulis para ro'n matulog. Madalas din ay sa presinto na nagtatrabaho at nag-aaral ang mag-ama ko.

We are only allowed to accept visitors every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. Mondays and Fridays are reserved for other activities. Yet, despite them not being allowed to see me, they still stayed in the building.

Alam kong nasa gusali lang sila dahil kahit nasa selda ako ay rinig na rinig ko ang halakhak ng aking anak. He became friends with all of the officers here. He even said he wants to be a police officer someday!

I couldn't believe how fast time flies. During those times when I was in prison, Reje received a lot of bashing too! Nagalit ang mga tao dahil sa ginawang pagdepensa ng Gobernador sa isang kriminal. I honestly became worried about his career...

Akala ko ay panhihinaan siya ng loob dahil sa ipinakitang disgusto sa kaniya ng mga tao, pero naging dahilan lang ang mga batikos na iyon upang mas lalo niyang sipagan. He proved to everyone that he is worthy of their votes, and he deserves his title as the Governor.

Sa loob ng anim na buwan na pagkakakulong ay nakita ko kung paano niya ako pahalagahan...kung paano niya ako alagaan. Slowly, I saw myself starting to fall for him again, but I realized that I've never really fallen out of love with him.

I am still the same Sofia Grace, a young naive little girl who's crushing on Reje Mateo.

It feels surreal how I kept and hid my feelings for him. I tortured myself by filling up my heart with hatred. I killed myself for choosing to be away from him. And yet where am I now?

"Thank you," I whispered to him as he held me in his arms.

Madaling araw na, nasa dagat kami, nasa dati naming pwesto, nasa ilalim ng puno habang pinapanood ang mga alon. At katulad ng dati ay yakap niya ako, binibigyan ng kaginhawaan na alam kong siya lang ang makakapagbigay sa'kin.

"For what?"

"Sa laging pagsama sa'kin tuwing tinatakasan ko ang realidad."

Ngumiti ako.

I now realized why I loved the sea so much. It's because it helped me escape, and on the way of escaping Reje found me. He guided me and never let me get lost. For that, I was very much thankful.

"Salamat din," he said, which made me furrow my brows.

"For what?"

"For allowing me to be with you all those times that you escaped reality."

Ngumiti akong muli at hindi na nakayanan pa ang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib. I am so happy, so happy that I never want to outlive this moment.

Hindi nagtagal ay napagpasyahan na naming bumalik na sa kaniyang bahay. When we got back, we were greeted by Rizalde's scrutinizing eyes.

"Should I already expect a baby sister?" he asked, which made me almost fall on my knees.

Tatawa-tawang sinalo naman ako ni Reje. He playfully grabbed our son to join us for a family hug.

I still remember the time when I was in prison and finally decided to talk to Reje, to open up again to him and to lower my walls. It was on a cloudy Wednesday, his birthday, where he asked the police officer if he could set up a small table in the garden for a romantic lunch with me. I wasn't really surprised when they allowed him, he's the Governor after all.

Reje helped me sit on what chair he organized and once settled, we started eating slowly.

"Why?" I asked him.

Napa-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at mukhang hindi inaasahan na ako ang mauuna na magsalita sa aming dalawa.

"Why did you let me hate you?" I asked him again.

After knowing everything that he has done, I felt ashamed that I had the guts to hate him when he was present and there for me all along. Pakiramdam ko, sa lahat ng nangyari ay ako pa ang mali. All because he chose to keep secrets from me.

"I had to," he said.

"I have no choice but to create a reason for you to hate me. It's better than you choosing to forget me."

My heart started bleeding again with his words.

"I saw how you used your anger towards me to move forward. I saw how it motivated you to climb your way up,"

"And seeing how your anger resulted in something better, I couldn't take that hatred away."

"If you saw how this hatred of mine made me better, why did you have to show yourself again? Why did you have to ruin everything?"

"Because I couldn't take the pain anymore. Pain in knowing that you hate me and pain in knowing that hating me means making you succeed."

I became confused with his words. Isn't that what he wanted? For me to succeed?

"The fact that you chose to be away from me, and you're doing fine without me...killed me...And I just couldn't take it anymore. I became scared that the hatred that you have for me will soon vanish. That would eventually, make you forget me. That's why I decided to be selfish once again. I decided to show myself again because I wanted to be with you. To replace the hatred inside of you with a lifetime I can offer." 

Tumulo ang luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

Bakit ngayon niya lang sinasabi lahat ng ito? Bakit ngayon lang kung kailan lubusan na naming nasaktan ang isa't-isa?

As if being able to read my mind, Reje answered me.

"Because I'm powerless. I am nothing without my parents. I saw how you struggled financially, and if I choose to defy my parents just to be with you, what will I feed you?"

Natawa ako. It was a bitter laugh.

"Then why make me pregnant?"

Napalunok siya.

"I-i guess, I needed to create assurance,"

"I wanted you all for myself. I took advantage of the adoration you had for me. I didn't carefully plan it. The moment I held you, I just know I wanted you completely."

Naguguluhang tumingin ako sa kaniya, "Even if that would make me suffer more?"

"Y-yes. I'm sorry for being selfish."

Hindi na ako muling nagsalita. Hindi ko na muling dinugtungan ang kaniyang huling salita. The lunch date ended before I knew it. Hinatid niya ako sa selda ngunit patuloy pa rin akong walang imik. I don't know what changed that time but I'm certain there is.

Simula no'n, I just let myself open to him again. With no restriction. I just let myself...uncover the hidden feelings I had for him since the very beginning. And looking at where we are right now, I'm glad I decided to talk to him. I'm glad I chose to forgive...

I can now...forget all the bitter tears I had shed because it's over.

I can now...at last, sincerely be happy.

;

XXXIX