You couldn't sleep that night. Your head was full of thoughts. You wondered, if what happened to Jungkook on stage, was really your fault.
It was bothering you.
You remembered all the contact attempts he made towards you. All the messages you haven't even read. Now you regretted, that you didn't check them, that you don't know what was in them. Blocked numbers, your stubbornness. You tried to explain yourself, using your heart instead of reason.

You had a great deal of resentment towards him, for what he did, for lying to you, for taking advantage of your sweet ignorance to play this game with you.
You knew, that the conversation Yoongi wants to have with you would be difficult, but you did not suffer from sadness and pain after breaking up such long just to give up now and enter the same river a second time.
"Be strong YN" you told yourself trying to sleep even if just for a while.

Sang-hee woke you up with coffee, for which you were very grateful. Even though you slept just a little, you were too nervous to try to rest any longer.
You wandered from place to place, waiting impatiently for Yoongi to come. Sang-hee already left for work.
You didn't want to have this conversation nor to see him, but you wanted to get it over with and just forget it.

A knock on the door pulled you out of this trance. Your heart leapt into your throat. The thing you feared the most was, that he brought Jungkook with him,  because your heart simply wouldn't be able to bear it. You weren't ready to see him in front of you again, didn't trust yourself enough to be sure you wouldn't succumb.
You took one deep breath and opened the door.

"YN..." Yoongi gave you one of his nicest smiles, although you could see that he was confused. Seeing that you didn't even flinch, he quickly realized that you must be scared. "Don't worry, I came alone. I didn't tell Jungkook about anything. Actually, I didn't really tell anyone, that you agreed to this talk. I wanted us to be able to clear things up without undue pressure."

You were grateful to him for approaching it in the most comfortable way for you. You moved away so he could enter the apartment.
"Thank you," you said quietly, to which he just nodded.

"I brought something that ... should cheer us up," he grinned hesitantly, juggling a bottle of his favourite whiskey. Despite the serious reason for his visit, a smile crept across your face. You liked his company, right now you wished it hadn't turned out this way. You didn't just lose a boyfriend, but also a friend.
You realized you couldn't push one away while keeping in touch with the other.
You brought two glasses and sat down next to him. There was no point in delaying this unpleasant conversation any longer.
Yoongi, however, took his time. He slowly poured the golden liquid into the glass.
"How are you? I've been worried about you."

You sank deeper into the back of the couch and tilted your head back, sighing softly. You laughed a little mockingly. Though you didn't mean to be rude in any way. Yoongi watched your every gesture.
"How can I feel? Do you want to know if I'm better? I'm not. I'm alive. I'm working. I'm learning to function again without him." You fixed your gaze on him. You chewed your sorrow so as not to show him your tears. You've been doing great so far.

Yoongi traced a circle on the rim of the glass with his finger. "I don't know how strong your bond with Jungkook was, but he looks like a shadow of a human now. That is all, what left of him.
He hardly eats, even though we try to make him do it.
He works too hard, overstrains himself and doesn't care about his health as if he doesn't care what will happen to him. He hardly sleeps. I ... "he paused for a moment, then added with his voice breaking, "I've never seen anyone so broken."

You were listening carefully. You felt your heart shrinking. Like something squeezing you inside. You were perfectly aware, that what you felt about him did not end. But you had to listen to reason, not to get hurt again.
"What do you expect from me? The fault is not mine, you know."

"Maybe a boy deserves a second chance? Shouldn't everyone get one?" He tilted the glass and took one large gulp. Somewhere deep inside, he felt that you would be ruthless. He understood you in part, although today he set himself the goal of convincing you at all costs.

"He used me, Yoongi. He knew what I didn't want, and that's exactly what he did. Completely in spite of me."

"Jungkook didn't think you would find out this way. He tried to tell you several times ..."

"But?" You cut him off rudely, at which he gasped. "But he wanted to have a little fun with me, wasn't he? Was it worth it? Did he get what he wanted?"
Your words were bitter. He looked you straight in the eyes, he saw your pain, he wanted to do something about it, but he knew perfectly well, that only you can heal yourself.

"YN ..." he started, though he himself didn't know what he should say now. He felt, that chances are fading away.

"I was just a toy in the hands of a big star. I didn't want much. I wanted a little stability. Because that's what my life has always lacked." You broke. The tears began to slowly run down your cheeks. Yoongi out of habit stretched out his hand to wipe them, as he did with all six of them when they had bad times, but he quickly withdrew his hand, afraid to cross the border.

"He was really struggling to tell you. Probably at an amusement park, if I remember correctly." He got lost in thoughts, as if he had talked about it with him once. "But you cut him off then" he added.

And suddenly there were flashes of memories from that evening. Like a movie in front of your eyes. You were sitting at this magical carousel, most of the people are long gone. You had this piece of space to yourself.
"YN" he started hesitantly. There is something I would like to tell you about myself. Do you remember the day you asked me if I was a musician? I replied then, that I am, but that we will come back to this topic. I just didn't tell you, that I am very fam..." and that's when it all stopped. You didn't let him finish, distracted by the crowd running after some celebrity.

You remembered your own words, which now rang unpleasantly in your ears, and which for sure must have torn him apart that day:
"No time for being together, no normality. I would never have a relationship with someone who is famous. No matter what."
You remembered his big glittering eyes, that looked so terrified that night, though you didn't realize it at the time.
Is that why he delayed this conversation? Was he so afraid of losing you, that he didn't realize his lie would lead to the same thing?
You tilted the glass and drank it to the bottom.

"If giving him a second chance is too much to ask, at least listen to his perspective, his version of the events, and the reasons why he acted that way. It's free. And you can both gain peace of mind."

Even though what he was saying was true, all your senses refused to agree with him.
"I really don't want to see his face right now."

"Don't give up on him yet. You didn't get to know him well enough to judge him so quickly. He's the best of our seven, naive, pure, with a heart on his sleeve. Please don't break this heart."

You just finished another drink. Your head was buzzing a little, after all, all you had for breakfast today was coffee. You listened carefully, noting the way he spoke about him, how much he held a side for him, how much he defended him.
Your soft heart couldn't refuse him now.
"All right. Tell him to come here tomorrow. Same time as you.
All I can promise him is one conversation - explaining the situation and nothing else. I'm only doing it because you care so much about it. I only agreed for your sake. "

The smile you got from him stayed in your memory for a long time. He hugged you tight, brushed his lips against your hair and ran out happy. You sighed deeply. Have you just given someone hope, even though you knew perfectly well, that you would break their heart tomorrow?

***

You thought you couldn't feel any worse. But you were wrong. The day you were supposed to talk to Jungkook was terrible. You couldn't tame your emotions. You were so hurt. that the person who was the whole world to you deceived you so much. You were afraid to meet his eyes, see his face, smell him. You were afraid, that you would fall into his arms, that you would forget everything at the sound of his voice.
And when there was a knock on the door, you could have sworn, your heart was knocking even louder.

When he appeared on the doorstep, you had mixed feelings. Your wounded soul didn't let you forget, it kept your heart in check, to not jump to him.
There was not even a trace of the butterflies, that flocked every time you saw him. Everything that was beautiful in you has already died.

"YN" he whispered, standing in awe. After so long, he was able to see your face again. You didn't know how much that meant to him. He just stared at you for a moment. He wanted to enjoy the sight of you, before you disappeared, perhaps forever.

"Jungkook ... come in please" you motioned him inside. He entered hurriedly, waiting for further instructions. You didn't want to lengthen, but the silence was awkward. "Do you want some coffee?" He nodded hurriedly and sat down on the couch.
In the kitchen, you fought the sudden wave of panic that overtook you. But you pulled yourself together and put the cups in front of him.
You didn't dare to sit beside him. You were afraid, that one touch of him would break everything in you. You sat down in front of him waiting for him to start the conversation.

"YN ... I don't even know where to start ..."

"I'm not sure it really matters." The words that fell out of your mouth sounded so cold. You didn't want it to turn out that way, but you only told the truth. His eyes glistened.

"Believe me, I didn't want you to find out about me like this. I wanted to tell you everything by myself."

"Yeah? And what would that change? You knew I didn't want to get involved in a relationship with a famous person. I told you about it, and yet you did the opposite."

"I know, but that's why I wanted you to get to know the real me first. So you would see that I'm just an ordinary boy, just like everyone else. That fame doesn't change anything."

You laughed bitterly.
"Doesn't it? Is that why you were always putting mask on when we went out together?"

"YN ..." he said your name in a breaking voice. You felt a wave of heat pour over you. You had to go on, you couldn't let the feelings get to the surface.

"That's why you rented the entire restaurant for us? Did you think that after all this I wouldn't put the facts together? Your masks, hoodies, constantly looking around ..."

"It's not like that ... I just wanted to give us ..."

"Jungkook ... Can we go to the cinema together?" He stared at you in surprise at the question, but you continued, totally ignoring him. "Can we meet our friends? Can we go out to the club or go shopping together? Can we walk hand in hand in public?" He already knew where you were going with that, he felt everything inside him tighten with nerves and stress.

"YN ..." he whispered pleadingly, but you were merciless.

"Answer me. If you answer yes to at least one of these questions, I will give you the chance you asked for."

He clearly became sad. His chances were getting smaller by the second, and he was well aware of it. But he couldn't pull the wool over your eyes any longer, it was all out anyway, he couldn't hide a thing.
"No, YN. We can't." He lowered his head and let a single tear roll down his cheek. He didn't want you to see him cry. He didn't want you to think he was taking you for pity. He simply had no more strength, he was mentally and physically exhausted. You were at his fingertips, yet he couldn't reach you. He wanted to hug you, grab you and never let go, beg forgiveness on his knees and shout to the whole world how much he loves you, no matter what the consequences. It was all in your hands, but you didn't seem to want it.

"I have one more question for you. I can't understand it. Why did you fuck with me, knowing all this?" You finally let out what hurt you the most. You were hoping for a specific answer, but he seemed to continue to wander around supposed feelings for you.

"I thought you would accept me. You know, that night everything was supposed to be different. I invited you to tell you everything, but ..." he paused for a moment, looking for the right words instead of what he meant, but he couldn't find them, so he continued with putting it bluntly, "but we ended up in bed. Like a fool in love, I couldn't help but be so close.
Knowing what happened, I wanted to tell you about everything in the morning at breakfast, but you said you were in a very hurry, you didn't stay longer. I didn't know you were going to a concert, everything would be different. I thought, that when I will tell you everything, we will sort it out somehow, and you'll forgive me. "

Even though the situation cleared up, you didn't feel relieved. Everything was in ruins. You hoped, that when he will tell you everything, you would find something in his words, that would let you forget everything and go back to the way it was before. But nothing has changed.
"And I would probably forgive you if you told me the truth in time. If only you wouldn't break me so much."

"YN .... I tried. Please let me ..." he stretched out his hand to you, but you moved away immediately like a scared lamb in front of a wolf.

"If you at least would be with me when I found out about it ..." you whispered, barely audible. Tears were burning your eyes. You bit your lip.

"I couldn't! I was on stage!" he shouted, losing all hope of a positive solution to the conflict.

Surprised by his raised voice, you did exactly the same.
"Exactly! Now you understand! Now you have your answer! You and me? It will never happen!" After you screamed out what you felt, there was a silence between you. You felt like you were not speaking for all eternity, as if time had stopped. Finally, Jungkook spoke first. His words pierced you right through.

"I do not believe you"

You felt your heart leap into your throat. This conversation was going nowhere. Two wounded souls trying to mend each other. But there were too many holes in you to patch it up so quickly.
"Beg your pardon?" You got indignant.

When he suddenly got up, you instinctively did the same. Scared, you didn't want him to come near you. You took a few steps back until you felt a chilly wall behind you, and your back collided with it.
Jungkook walked over to you and rested his hand against the wall next to your head. With the other hand, he grabbed your face and made you look at him. Your breathing quickened and your heart went mad.

"I remember every single moment with you. Your smile and every blush I caused.
I remember our first touch and ..." He ran his fingertips down your face, over your cheek, up your neck to your collarbone. You shuddered "and your trembling at my touch," he continued.

"M-make y-your p-point Jungkook" you stuttered incapable of constructing the correct sentence.

"I know how it developed ... from nothing to the feeling. I know you feel the same. You feel something for me." You shook your head for no, trying to calm your breathing.
"I answered your question. Now it's your turn." he was staring at you as if he wanted to see right through you. His chocolate eyes reminded you of every moment together, you wanted to cry but you couldn't let yourself be broken.
"Look straight into my eyes, YN. And tell me you don't feel anything."

And you snapped. He dares to challenge you? Instead of apologizing, is he trying to prove something to you? The breathing immediately returned to order, the heart calmed down, and everything made way to the anger that grew suddenly.
You pushed him away and he swayed slightly.
"Oh, I feel. I feel the sadness, that has taken away my smile, I feel the tears which replaced the blush on my cheeks. Your touch feels so wrong, so forbidden now."

"We can solve this. Please YN, let me fix this." Jungkook was on the brink of collapse.
But you did nothing to his pleading, his begging gaze made no impression on you. The tears, that ran down his cheeks didn't make you feel sorry, because you shed too many of them yourself.

"There's nothing left."

Jungkook no longer held back crying. He screamed at you through his tears, grabbing his last resort.
"I told you, that I love you! That night...I exposed myself. I told you what I feel.
For the fucking first time I was such close with someone!"

"Jungkook please, just stop yelling. Don't make it even harder for us."

But he finally wanted to let go of all the regret he had in him.

"There was no one before you. There will be no one after." He said the last words in a hoarse voice, then fell onto the couch and curled up like a cat into a ball.

Your first instinct was to run to him, take him in your arms and reassure him, that he was going to be alright. But you knew you couldn't do it. You knew, you had to break his heart so that he himself could move on with his life.
"Then you will be very lonely, because I won't be by your side. Please go, I can't stand your face anymore."

Jungkook just stood up without a word and left without looking back.
Something snapped inside him. You created a ghost. You took out his soul and crushed it. You wanted him to move on, seeing nothing but your own anger and regret. You walked over him like a bulldozer without giving him a chance to escape.

When he left, you fell to the floor. You cried until you fell asleep exhausted.
Sang-hee found you curled up near sofa, woke you up with a gentle touch, and hugged you right after she saw your swollen eyes.

"Do you need anything sweetheart?"

You looked up at her.
"Time. I need time. And everything will be fine."

You lied to yourself. It was starting to turn into a habit.