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Chapter 7 : Force Fields

Saturday 21th october 2020

force field

noun
plural noun: force fields
(chiefly in science fiction) an invisible barrier of force.
"future land combat vehicles will deflect enemy shells with an electromagnetic force field"

Over a month has passed since my first visit to the gym and I'm feeling more confident than ever before.

I step off the scales - 67kg - good progress but I know I can do better.

I walk into my room wearing my - now loose - sports gear and look in the mirror. My tummy is flatter, legs thinner and face clearer. I guess healthy eating and exercise really does make a difference.

"Hey Allie...woah..." Esther gasps at me.

"You look incredible Allie! I didn't realise what a change this has made. You're always covered up in sweatshirts and joggers, but seeing you like this, I can see what a difference you've made," Nancy gestures to my body.

"You look great, honestly Allie." Quinn finishes with a smile.

"Thanks guys, that's actually what I wanted to talk about,"- I open my wardrobe -" I need an update, and soon."

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H&M, Zara, Urban Outfitters, you name it. We went there.

100's of tops, jumpers, trousers and skirts are piled on my bed, receipts screaming at me from my many, many bags. So far I have tried on over £600 worth of clothing - due to me only ever spending money on alcohol or food, I had a lot of pocket money to spend - and I've never been more exhausted.

Cardboard boxes with the words like 'charity shop', 'donate' and 'burn' are scribbled on the brimming containers.

Brand new make-up is scattered over the desk and a 'do it yourself' hair dye kit is empty and trashed.

I seriously feel like I'm on one of those reality tv shows where the people reinvent themselves. Hair, body, clothes, the works. Finally I'm going to be actually happy with how I look, I just need a little longer until I'm completely there.

Dramatically, Quinn spins my chair around so I face the mirror and it takes a minute for my eyes to adjust.

I don't look insanely different, but I look better, more put-together.

My long golden blond hair is now ash coloured and wavy, settling a few inches under my boobs. Muted makeup brightens my face. A long sleeved brown top settles on my chest and a pair of dark wash flares are tight against my thick thighs. I look so much better. I smile a now white toothy grin and look at my friends, "Thank you guys."

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When I walk into school on Monday, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Now I understand why people do this whole glow up thing.

Over the past month and a bit, people were constantly commenting on my looks. Double takes from multiple boys. Stolen glances with Levi. And Thomas's face....

It's.

been.

priceless.

My mood is brightened even more when I see Levi walking towards me. My friends nudge me knowingly and I blush. So maybe I want him to notice. So what. It doesn't matter.

It's not like I like him?

"Hey...um, i need to talk to you. Like...nowish," he says, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yeah sure" I dump my uneaten lunch in the bin, like I wasn't even that hungry. I'll probably just eat something later.

We walk through the corridor and Levi sticks his head in the door of a classroom. He strides in when he sees it's empty and closes the blinds on the door.

I drop my bag on one of the nearby desks and he copies. When Levi stands back up, he clears his throat and gulps. He shuffles around awkwardly, moving from foot to foot. Multiple times, he opens his mouth but nothing comes out.

"What is it...?" I ask tentatively.

He runs his hands through his hair, gripping onto it then dragging his hands down his face. To be honest, he looks as if he hasn't slept in weeks.

"I lied."

"What?" i'm confused, i thought he brought me in here to talk about my new look - even though that sounds really arrogant...it's what most people talk to me about at the moment? And I know i sound shallow as hell but i- a part of me just wanted him to look at me. Like me. Like did he even notice...

Wait, why do I even care what he thinks? It's not like I like him or anything...so why is it annoying me?

Levi shakes his head, almost ashamed about what he's about to say.

"I said I lied, Alison...I lied about being ok. I lied about how you shouldn't be worried. I lied about not having the temptation to just take the pain away," he shuffles around a bit then lifts a small bottle out of his blazer pocket.

Oh my god. What the fuck, "I thought you gave them to me?"

His eyes look regretful as he tries to avoid eye contact. Hands running through his hair, his bloodshot eyes try not to cry. His face morphs into a depressive look of stressed confusion. Everything about him looks afraid. Afraid of himself and what he could do to himself.

"Come on Allie, it's not difficult to get hold of some antidepressants. Especially when my Mum literally has a whole cupboard full of them."

"Levi..."

"No, don't say anything, i just needed to tell you," he looks away in shame. His usual confidence is gone, leaving him bare and visible. The room feels colder, like the colour blue has settled into it. Goosebumps decorate my skin as a gust of wind enters through the window nearest the teachers desk.

"But i want to help you-"

He turns his head to the side but I place my hand on his cheek to stop him from looking away. My palm is warm against his cold cheekbone as I use my index finger to gently stroke his jaw. But then he looks down, it makes my hand fall on his collarbone and trail slowly down his chiseled chest, towards his large hand. I grip the bottle and squeeze it hard in my hand.

"How many?"

"I've gone through a couple bottles. I think 3 since you found me that day."

I hate that he's doing this. I feel helpless, I want to protect him from this guilt that's eating him up inside. Everything inside me wants to scream, shout and cry at him to stop doing this to himself but I know he never will.

"Let me in, Levi. please"

His head falls forward. So close we're sharing breaths. He cranes his neck and I look up at his pained face.

I can see every detail.

Every mark.

Every freckle.

He lifts his hand cautiously as if testing I'm alright - his eyes searching my face for permission.

When I give it to him, he places it tenderly on my neck, stroking it softly.

Our bodies pressed up against each other, sharing warmth.

Our foreheads meet.

Our noses.

Our mouths.

His lips brush mine, so lightly and so quickly, you would've missed it if you blinked. He scrunches up his eyes and pulls away.

"She's his sister..." I heard him mutter.

Feeling hurt and rejected, I pick up my bag and go towards the door, completely flustered and confused, only to stop when I feel his hand clasp around my own.

"By the way, you look beautiful..." he states as he lets go of my hand, leaving him in the empty classroom.

"...but you already did before..."

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