Warning: Boring chapter... I'm sorry.

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Y/n:  --So basically, the other guy says "Only a spoonful" and Bach pulls out a comically large spoon.

Ekaterina: Sir, this is the Northland Bank... How does this involve the bank in any way?

Y/n: We get there when we get there!

Ekaterina: I'm just gonna call the security.

Paimon: Wait, wait, wait!

Waving her arms around, the floating marshmallow takes off your fake mustache and points dramatically at you.

Paimon: It's Y/n! See? Childe told us to come here!

Y/n: My beautiful mustache...

Ekaterina: Oooooh! You're the friend of Childe. Congratulations on the first day of your illustrious career with the Fatui.

Y/n: ... WUT? Since when? How much is my salary though?

Paimon: Y/n!

Y/n: I'm just curious. Besides, they'd probably blackmail me, and feed me to the slimes.

Ekaterina: Oh, you sound so remarkably sure of yourself. I can tell you that the Fatui is not as bad as you think it is.

Paimon: *Mutters* Cue to what happened yesterday...

Ekaterina: Remember though, we are mere mortals -- our ideas are fluid like water. Only the Tsaritsa has a will as solid as a permafrost.

Y/n: Pun intended?

Ekaterina: ... Yes. Back to the matter at hand, Childe tells me that he held his end of the agreement.

Paimon: What agre- Oh right! The thing about him finding us a guy?

Ekaterina: Correct. He promised he'd find someone to break the stalemate
And the Harbingers do not break their promises lightly.

Y/n: So you're basically telling me is that they would.

Ekaterina: I did not say that.

Paimon: But the meaning was the same!

Ekaterina: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Paimon: Ugh... Where is Childe anyway?

Ekaterina: Childe is currently at Liuli Pavillion.

Y/n: Ah, that place. I think there was another that had Kiosk in the name as well, what's the competition about?

Paimon: Heheh. You see, Paimon got some knowledge in here! *clears throat* There are two cooking styles in Liyue, the Li style, and the Yue style. They have been competing for centuries, but neither has emerged as the clear winner.

Paimon: The flagship restaurant of the Li style is Liuli Pavillion. The owner especially chose to open the restaurant at Feiyon Slope , so they could compete face to face with Xinyue Kiosk, which is the flagship restaurant of Yue style.

Y/n: Huh, neat. That competition will never end.

Paimon: Better for us, the costumers! Paimon wishes that one day there is a stand off, and the judges are the costumers, Paimon would immediately sign up for that!

Y/n: Not really surprising, try not to get mistaken as food by the other judges.

Paimon: Where did you even create the emergency food joke!?

Y/n: Don't blame me, blame MiHoYo.

TIMESKIP BROUGHT YOU BY PAIMON EATING ZA WARUDO

Childe: Aha. You made it. As promised, I have found someone who can help you, someone who can solve the mystery on why the Liyue Qixing would hide the Geo Archon's vessel.

Y/n: And he is currently eating in this restaurant in front of us?

Childe: He certainly is, come I'll introduce you to him. I took the liberty of setting up a business dinner, as per the Liyue custom.

Y/n: How mighty kind of you... (I'm pretty sure I don't even need to tell you this, but he definitely has other motives.)

The trip proceed to climb up the small set of stairs that lead to the main entrance of the Li style restaurant. There were two people waiting at the door, the two bow towards the Harbinger, as the first proceeds to speak in a soft voice.

This-Guy: Welcome back, sir. You honor us with your patronage. Mr. Zhongli is currently waiting your arrival in the room you booked.

Y/n: (You know... These formal stuff aren't really my thing... Or maybe I just got used to my traveling life...Or both.)

The three proceed to enter the restaurant with no one speaking a word the entire walk. The ginger bread man proceeds to try and start a conversation.

Childe: Well then, Y/n. How was your time yesterday? And by that, I mean how did the Millelith react to you?

Y/n: I'm here without running and hiding, aren't I? I think that answers your question.

Childe: *Chuckle* Well, that is true. Oh, we're here.

Entering the room, the "Childe" waves towards the person sitting there, it was the BigDongZhong.

Right now all of you were sitting-- well, most of you, Paimon was just floating.

Childe: Allow me to introduce Mr. Zhongli, consultant to an organization knows as Wangsheng... And a trusted associate of the Fatui.

Y/n: What exactly is that organization?

Childe: The Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, it's been there for about 77 generations. Mr. Zhongli over here works there. Though, Wangsheng's line of work can be sensitive at times.

Y/n: Oh, boy. I wonder why a funeral business can be sensitive...

You spoke with a dead panned expression while looking at the Harbinger straight in the eye.

He chuckles, and nervously scratches the back of his head.

Childe: Haha. Right, right. But, let's just say they understand when discretion is needed. And we, the Fatui, have always been glad to do business with friends who walk in the shadows.

Paimon: *Whisper* W-walk in the shadows? Do they have other businesses like...

Y/n: *Whisper* Don't worry, Pai. They only get rid of the bodies of people they no longer need.

Paimon: Yikes!

Childe: ... What did you tell her?

Y/n: Shush, Childe. The adults are talking.

Said with a smirk on his face, as the Fatui Harbinger just stares blankly at the protagonist.

Finally, the Geo Daddy spoke with his calm and low voice.

Zhongli: It is an honor to meet you, Y/N. I have heard tell of you from Mondstadt.

Y/n: Ah, great stuff then? Of course, it would be that.

Zhongli: Indeed, great they were.

Y/n: (Wow. He sounds like Yoda now.)

Paimon: *le scream* He used past tense! They're here to kill you, Y/N! Square up, Paimon will slap you, Ginger-Man and Eyeliner man!

Y/n: Dew it, Pai!

Childe: Calm down! The Fatui many such people friends, but the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor does not dabble in such business you told Paimon.... Well at least... Ostensibly.

Y/n: Looking at the "Ostensibly" there.

Childe: Well, they are still-- Ah, I shouldn't say too much.

Y/n: (Dammit! Almost had him.)

Childe: In any cause, I've brought you hear to meet Mr. Zhongli because...

Zhongli: Because I can bring you to see Rex Lapis' vessel.

Paimon: What!?

Childe: Ha, don't be so surprised. Sure, the Geo Archon's body has been squirreled away by order of the Tianquan Ningguang... But first, let's hear what Mr. Zhongli has to say, shall we?

Zhongli: Rex Lapis may be the Prime of Adepti, but he is ultimately an adeptus. Many adepti have left us over the millenia -- this is the inexorable trend. The times have changed -- you must have felt it too when you were at Jueyun Karst.

Y/n: Uh-huh.

Paimon: Right. Didn't Moon Carver mention something about the adepti staying away from Liyue?

Zhongli: Indeed. As you have seen, the time of the adepti is ending and the time of mankind is slowly dawning. In years past, Liyue's tradition was that a huge memorial service to be held to mark the passing of every adeptus. But this time, the Qixing gave made no attempt whatsoever to respect this tradition. It is sacrilege.

Y/n: Well, seeing as you work in the Funural Parlor business. I'm guessing you want to hold the parting yourself, right?

Zhongli: Correct.

Paimon: But, is it really the Qixing's fault? They still haven't caught the real killer yet.

Zhongli: Decide or not, the concern of Wangsheng Funural Parlor is this: When the ritual to receive this god is so kingly, it is all more egregious for his final send-off to go unattended

Y/n: You know what would be funny? If he wasn't killed and just died of old age.

Childe: I don't know about you, but I don't think gods can die of old age.

Y/n: Heart attack?

Childe: I mean... It's possible... I think?

Zhongli: (Hmm...) Y/n the Traveler, Childe has told me alot about you. Since you had dealings with the Anemo Archon, could I ask you to help me prepare the Geo Archon's last rites?

Y/n: (ZA WARUDO! Alright, thinking time... Basically more work that I have to deal with, I don't think I have much of a choice in this City of Contracts, since you know... Equivalent exchanges and all... Pssshhhhh.... But maybe I can get this consultant to trust me at least a little if I accept. He may have the Speedwagon voice, but who's to say he isn't evil in here? Wait a minute... Does my choice even matter in here? Probably not, and here I am rambling in my head as time stops, because anime logic... Oh well, time moves once again... I guess.)

HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS CHOICE!?

Y/n: Eh, let's do it. (You know, I'll just ramble on more to annoy you, Narrator.)

GOD DAAMMMIIIIT!

Y/n: Childe talks a bit too much, doesn't he?

Childe: Why is this conversation shifted on me now?

Zhongli: Well, he likes to communicate with others. Some people are just this way, while others tend to want more peace and quiet in life.

Childe: Nice, nice. Back to the topic... Please. Ahem... The Tianquan, Ningguang, has forbidden anyone from accessing Rwx Lapis' vessel... Which of course you would need in order to achieve your goal of meeting all the Seven.

Zhongli: Precisely. Only by participating in the Rite of Parting will you be able to see the form of Rex Lapis again.

Y/n: This time he won't have a stroke while reading. Great!

Zhongli: If we are agreed, come meet me outside, we will speak of the details as we walk.

And with that, the big man himself stood up from his seat and headed off.

Childe: Alright. My bridge-building here is done. Turned out well, didn't it? Well, wouldn't wanna keep him waiting now, don't worry about me... I'll just have a few drinks, and use this new technique of "Rubber Band Chop-sticks".

He pulls out a rubber band and stops for a second.

Childe: ... I have no idea what comes next.

Y/n: You are pathetic, aren't ya?

Childe: Come on. It's quite difficult, but I will succeed! Now if I put it here... And-

The rubber band in his hand suddenly gets cut, and flew towards the Harbinger's face making a SMACK noise.

Childe: Gah! Okay... Not that way, that's for sure.... Not to worry, I got more just in case!

He takes another set of rubber bands out.

Paimon: He is not going to learn... You know... Paimon actually feels bad for him.

Y/n: *Sigh* You look so pitiful. Well, I'm in a good mood today.

You take a seat next to him, pulling away his chopsticks.

Childe: Hey, buddy... I actually need that.

Y/n: Look now, give me the rubber band.

Childe: What?

Y/n: Just do it!

A bit confused he hands you it in the end.

Y/n: Now. Tutorial time with Y/n begins.

You swiftly take away the wrappings of the chopstick that was on the table, and fold it until you couldn't anymore.

Place it between the chopsticks, you get the rubber boi and wrap it up with FWOOSH sounds to make it more dramatic, until -- like the wrapping-- you couldn't wrap it anymore.

CLICK CLICK, the satisfying noise of chopsticks hitting each other.

Y/n: Ta-da!

Childe: Oh damn... Thanks!

The conclusion is... Y/n is fucking weird.

Y/n: (Fuck off, Narrator.)

Bitch.

TIMESKIP

Zhongli: After having experienced the land of the absentee archon. Traveler, how does it feel our archon and adepti are here all around you in Liyue?

Y/n: It is quite interesting to see them, I never saw any back in Mond except Dvalin... But then again, he wasn't the brightest back then. Liyue's design is quite beautiful as well. Though, it feels like a tourist place for me, and not somewhere to live in.

Zhongli: Indeed. But you're a traveler, everywhere you go to, you are a tourist in there.

Y/n: You have a point there.

Zhongli: The weight of three thousand and seven hundred years'  worth of history runs deepest in the true divinity of Liyue. Organizing the Rite of Parting will surely enlighten you in your traveling.

Zhongli: Liyue is the most prosperous of the seven nations, defended by deities and ruled by the Qixing. As such, the diplomatic maneuverings of the Fatui have gained no purchase here.

Paimon: Right! The Fatui back in Mondstadt had quite the diplomatic powers.

Zhongli: Ningguang of the Qixing has always been on her guard against the Fatui. That is all the likelihood of why Childe wants to make use of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's connections.

Paimon: Huh... What would Childe get out of us doing the Rite of Parting anyway?

Zhongli: I neither know nor do I wish to know. As far as I am concerned, the Fatui are merely financial sponsors. I only wish for Liyue's tradition to endure.

He goes to grab a bag and hands it to you, you could hear the shackle in this bag, which led you to the conclusion of this was a big ass bag of Mora.

Zhongli: These are the advance funds Childe has provided. If you use them up, you can go to him to apply any subsequent funding.

Paimon: Wow...

Y/n: He is just asking to be bankrupt.

Zhongli: The Fatui's financial status is well off, it would take you quite some time to do some damage towards it.

Y/n: (I could just act like we spent all the money and take the rest. But I'm sure they thought of me doing that... Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.)

Zhongli: Well then, Traveler, let us be off. The first step in our preparation shall be to obtain some prize Noctilucous Jade worthy of a deity.

Y/n: (Ah, so the Cor Lapis they bought yesterday had no meaning in this... Bruh moment. Did I mention how nice Zhongli's voice is? Okay, okay, I'll shut up.)

The three proceed to go towards a mining boi. He was quite... F A T(sorry not sorry) his name was Shitou.

Shitou: Welcome to the Jade Mystery, my friends! Would you like to try your luck betting on Jade? This could be your lucky day.

Y/n: Ah yes, the good old betting techniques... And those are not Jade... Those are Cor Lapis.

Shitou: Pssshhh! No, they aren't. This mystery is cheap and fun, who knows? You might strike it rich?

Y/n: Yeah... No.

Paimon: We're not here for betting, we're here for... Uhh.... What was it again?

She held her head trying to remember.

Y/n: It's in the name, Paimon...

Zhongli: Noctilucous Jade, of radiant grade at the very least.

The owner looks quite surprised as his eyes widen.

Shitou: Radiant grade Noctilucous Jade? Ah, I see, you aren't a tourist. My apologies, I have some here for your perusal...

He goes and pulls out some from below the desk that held the Cor Lapis.

Y/n: -_- Ah, they definitely look the same on the table, I never knew orange and blue were so similar...

The owner just laughs nervously, and shows the Jade to all of you.

Shitou: What do you think? The Jade Mystery is an old name in the Jade business. Just look at that wonderful quality! Rex Lapis doesn't often bless us with such finery. Go on, pick whichever you like!

Paimon: These three pieces really look pretty, not like the ones you usually dig up. But how do we pick, should we just grab one and go?

Y/n: Well, we have an expert with us. What do you think, Mr. Zhongli?

Zhongli: Oh? You want me to decide?

Y/n: Aren't you the expert here? Besides you're the one directing...

Zhongli: Hm, that makes most sense. If it were for me, the answer would be simple.

Paimon: And that would be...?

The suspense was building up, which one would he choose?

Zhongli: I'll take them all, boss.

Y/n: ...What?

Shitou: Oh-hohoho! You act with such panache, good sir! I always knew you were not a man of ordinary caliber!

Y/n: Hold on a second now. Are that much really necessary?

Said Y/n totally caring about the Fatui and not trying to save the money for himself.

Yeah, we all know the reason.

Paimon: Boss, that one didn't count! We need to discuss it again!

Y/n: Come on, let's go.

Taking hold of the consultant, you pull him to talk somewhere private so that the scammer couldn't hear you.

Y/n: What exactly are you doing? Who knows if they are actually legit, you didn't even bother looking at them!

Paimon: We only need one for the ritual, aren't we wasting three times the Mora if we buy them all!?

Zhongli: Oh, Mora... It is as you say. I suppose, I overlooked this particular aspect of the transaction.

Y/n: (Wait a second, I was just making shit up, I thought he'd say "It is necessary for Rex Lapis.")

Paimon: Huh? How can you not think of Mora when buying things!?

Zhongli: If one must always consider Mora before acting, then in all things one is bound by Mora.

Paimon: Uhh... What?

Zhongli: All Mora is currency, but not all currency is Mora.

Paimon: *Confused Paimon noises*

Y/n: Okay then... He's a philosopher as well, probably loaded from head to toe by people throwing Mora at him.

Paimon: Is this how the rich live?

Y/n: I have no idea...

Paimon: Well, he knows a lot about big money, but not a lot about big savings.

Zhongli: No need to waver. Even when I'm constrained by Mora, I have ways of working around my limitations. Evaluating the quality of Noctilucous Jade is indeed very tricky. As crude ore, there is little difference in texture, lustrouness, and internal pattern between good and bad Jade.

Zhongli: Only after the item made using Noctilucous Jade has taken shape, will you be able to see whether it is up to par or not. If you return to those crafty merchants to quibble, they will counter by saying that your crafting bench is to blame, or that your heat control was poor.

Paimon: Whoa! To think it's that easy to get cheated.

The protagonist was currently cringing at him younger self for falling for some of these.

Zhongli: But there is a way to truly evaluate this Jade, and a true insider would know it. "A fool sees the pointer and misses the moon."

Paimon: What does that mean?

Zhongli: If you point at the moon with your finger, a wise man a wise man knows that you are pointing at the moon, while a fool would only see the finger. The patterns, the facade, these are all the" finger". Noctilucous Jade is a mystical stone used to light up the darkness, and so it's brightness is the important thing-- it is the "moon".

Y/n: Ah, so how are we gonna find out which one's the best? All of them were quite the same.

Zhongli: Noctilucous Jade of excellent quality would have superior Pyro affinity. In other words, the bluer and brighter, the luster of the ore under high temperature, the higher its quality.

Y/n: Oh damn.

Zhongli: I have imparted the priceless secrets of the Jade trade to you. Now all that's left is to put it into practice.

Paimon: Priceless, huh... Paimon's just sad that we might never be able to use it again...

Y/n: Who knows. The world is weird, so we might actually have to use it one day.

SCENU CHANGEU DA

Paimon: Alright, boss! We're back to buy some rocks. But can you let us burn them first?

Said the floating marshmallow casually.

Shitou: B-Burn them? You can't do that, my friends! If you were to do so, what would I have to sell?

Y/n: Just teeny-tiny samples would do just fine. Small pieces won't harm you now, would it?

Shitou: W-well... *Sigh* Fine. As you wish, then. I'll take small pieces of each, I'll take a bit of a lost, but consider it a friendly gesture.

Zhongli: Don't worry, I know the rules. As long as we can prove it's good Jade, you will not take a loss.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2Z0Y3Kk8nU

Shitou: Alright. Take these as samples. I've carved them off with a knife and tagged them to boot.

Paimon: Aren't these too thin? Even paper's thicker. No, even bug's wings is thicker! These are almost see-through! How stingy...

Shitou: Stingy? I've already been very generous. Any more, and you might as well have my neck!

Y/n: Don't tempt me now

Shitou: Don't. Please.

Y/n: Hmm. Will these do the trick?

Paimon: Or will they go poof when it's into the fire?

Zhongli: It can't be helped. Trying to deprive a merchant of his profits would be like forcing a ravenous wolf to vomit up the food in its stomach. Nonetheless, under the right conditions, these thin sliced will serve.

Y/n: And the right conditions are...?

Zhongli: While we add the right temperature using Pyro, we can use Hydro to reinforce it within. This way, the samples won't disintegrate immediately.

Shitou: Oh? Oh, sir, to think you were this learned... Tha K you for your understanding!

Zhongli: Strictly speaking, asking for samples when we have not yet agreed to purchase the goods is unfair. Trade in Liyue must be based upon fairness.

Paimon: Well, where should we go?

Y/n: Ores and boars.... Psssshhhh.... Aha! I remember a place in Dadaupa Gorge, a really big stew fire place.

Paimon: Oh, that biiig pot for the meaty tribe? It's really sturdy and should be able to take the elemental reactions!

Y/n: Well, back to Mond. Zhongli, do you wanna come by?

Zhongli: I trust you two are able to handle it. I'll be looking around for a bit

Y/n: Well. Off we go!

GAS! GAS! GAS!

Y

/n: ᶠᵘᶜᵏᶦⁿᵍ ᵏᶦˡˡ ᵐᵉ.

We see Y/n laying on the set of stairs while panting, in front of him was the gigantic pot.

Paimon: Are you okay?

Y/n: Give me a second.... Catching my breath.

Oh well...

The two of you hear some liquid boiling from the pot.

Paimon: Hm? There is still soup in here. These hilichurls sure have big appetites!

Y/n: Well. We got our Hydro protection. Now. Onto putting the Jade.

You toss the jades, making sure you threw them farther than each other.

Paimon: Aha! We're ready to go, Paimon will help remember which one of the three is which! Now we need to use Payro to make it hotter!

Y/n: .................. Shit. Wait, maybe I can...

You jump down, and head below the pot where you see a bunch of flaming flowers there.

Y/n: You know, for low intelligent creatures, this is impressive.

You put your hands together in front of you, charging an Anemo ball that consumed some of the fire.

Y/n: Hot hot hot hot!

The ball was getting bigger and bigger, and even bigger. Until KA-BOOM it exploded!

Paimon: It worked! The first crystal lit up!

Y/n: Huh, great... Wish I could've brought Xiang, but that dolt is out gathering God knows what.

You were about to charge more Anemo--

Paimon: Y/n, get away!

Y/n: Wha-

BOOM

You got blown away sending you back a few meters, using Anemo to soften your fall to the ground.

You look to see the cause, only to barely dodge a bolt of Electro arrow.

Paimon: You okay!?

Y/n: 'Tis but a scratch! Motherfuckers respawned this fast!?

Paimon: Could they have been attracted by the light of the  Noctilucous Jade?

Y

/n: Probably.

You get up while eating an apple for some reason.

Y/n: Well... No one is here for me to hide double the power. So, be my training dummies.

Geo Shaman, Electro Crossbow hilichurl, Cryo Crossbow hilichurl, two Pyro club hilichurls.

You notice the shaman performing God knows what the fuck, and it has risen with three pillars as the crossbow hilichurls have the high ground with it.

You side-step to the left dodging a Cryo shot.

Y/n: Pai, get the shaman when you see an opening.

Paimon: Will do! It will suffer the wrath of Paimon with a knife!

And thus, you dash forward, charging Anemo to push away the Electro shot, and switching to Geo.

You YEET your 3 star sword at the Electro crossbower and summon a Geo spear plunging it forward, just as you impaled the first Pyro hilichurls, your sword made contact with the E.Hilichurl.

Using the impaled hilichurl as a base, you became an Olympian, as you use it to vault, as you reach the top, you let go and switch to Anemo and double jump this fucker and BAM dropkicked the Cryo shooter breaking its mask.

Seeing as no shooters were there anymore, Paimon, with great speed, flies towards the Shaman with her knife in hands, and shoves it into it.

It falls on top of the recovering Electro Hilichurl, as the Shaman lays there dead, and the other was severely injured... And it just died.

Nice.

Pyro Hiluchurl: YAAAK!

Oh, right. You exist.

It was charging at you with a flaming club.

We see a Geo Y/n, putting his hand to the ground, while looking at the mad hilichurl, then from the ground comes spikes that fucking made the hilichurl into cheese.

Y/n: Well, guess we're done with the hilichurly-bois.

Paimon: Well, don't forget your sword!

Y/n: Oh, yeah. That.

TIMESKIPPU DA

The two of you were back in Liyue Harbor, we see Y/n with some burn marks on his clothes, and a messy hair.

Zhongli: Traveler, I see that you ran into some problems on your way.

Y/n: You don't say... Everytime a Jade shined hilichurls come out of nowhere.

The consultant shakes his head for a hit and walks towards you, putting his hands on your head and brushing it.

Y/m: Uhh... What are you exactly doing?

Zhongli: You look like you just came out of a coffin, I simply took the liberty to clean you up a bit.... There.

Y/n: Uh-huh... Thanks...

Zhongli: Well now. Let us see which Noctilucous Jade is best for the Geo Archon.

The three proceed to head back towards the Jade Mystery guy's stand.

Shitou: Ah, you're back, my friends! I've got the goods ready, which one would you like?

Paimon: The third one please! It shined so bright!

Shitou: No problem. If you have your eye on this one, you can have it.

Zhongli: Then we'll take a box of the third type of Jade.

Shitou: Done! All the same... Pardon me for asking, but in curios. Whatever do you need this much top-quality Noctilucous Jade for?

Zhongli: Hmmm. I suppose it would not hurt to tell you. We need them to make implements for thr Rite of Parting.

Shitou: P-Parting...!? Oh dear... I'd heard the rumors but didn't give them much if a thought to them. Then... Rex Lapis really is... *Sigh* It's hard to believe. Even though the Jade Mystery has been in decline, we have always been under his protection.

Y/n: (I seriously don't know how the Qixing was able to hold information about it when the damn dragon fell...)

Shitou: It is said when the Lord lost his way while going incognito into the city two hundred years ago, it was a spoon from the Jade Mystery that he had used to sample the local delights. Alas, alas, all things must pass... Well if this is used to say farewell to Rex Lapis, the I shall sell it to you at half the price.

Paimon: Huh? Are you sure? You didn't even wanna give us an inch of the Jade before...

Shitou: If not for our Lord's protection, this city wouldn't exist as it does now. No proprietor could earn money if such thing.

Paimon: Awww... I'm sure Rex Lapis will feel your sentiment, boss.

Little did she know...

Zhongli: In the safe hands of the Liyue Qixing and good, honest merchants such as yourself. I, for one, believe that Liyue will continue to prosper as it always has done.

Y/n: Hi, I exist by the way.

Shitou: Alright... Thank you, my friends. Hah, what's with me, getting all sentimental like that? I'll prac9be giving away my fortune at this rate.

Zhongli: Now that we've made our choice, let's take this Noctilucous Jade back.

He takes away the box, and was about to leave.

Paimon: Hey, wait a minute! He said it was half the price, not that we could walk away without paying!

Zhongli: Oh right, I'm sorry. I must have forgotten to do so. Let me see...

He checks his pockets for a few seconds, before looking a bit disappointed.

Zhongli: As I thought, I didn't bring any.

Paimon: Any what?

Zhongli: Mora. My apologies, another oversight on my part.

Y/n: You know... For someone as knowledgeable as you, and a local of Liyue, the city where Mora was created by the Geo Archon... You surprise me when you're not thinking of Mora. (Suspicious...)

You look back towards the boss of the Jade Mystery, pulling out the bag of Childe's Mora.

Y/n: Oi, bossu. Is that enough?

Shitou: It's fine, just enough for half price... Though to be honest, it'd be alright even if the sum wasn't enough.

Y/n: Really expensive stuff... (No leftovers... Damn.)

Zhongli: Well, it's settled, then. Let's take this Jade to Yuijing Terrace. That's where we plant to hold the Rite...

Paimon: Look at you, bossing everyone around! You didn't even cough up a single Mora!

Y/n: Probably the reason why Childe gave the advanced funding. This isn't the first time you forgot to bring Mora, right?

The wise man looks down a bit.

Zhongli: Yes...

Y/n: Just try to remember next time, even write it down just in case.

Zhongli: I will keep that in mind. You have my thanks.

Paimon: Something tells Paimon that he will forget it again...

KONO TIMESKIPPU DA

Y/n: And that's done!

You and Zhongli placed the last Jade in the middle of the terrace next ot a table.

Zhongli: We can leave it here. I've already called the jewelsmith to shape them into implements that we need.

He suddenly remembers something.

Zhongli: Ah, yes... I have yet to go and see Childe. So as for the jewelsmiths remuneration.

Y/n: Okay... Is Childe your wallet or something?

Zhongli: He does help out in the financial jobs.

Y/n: Credit card Childe... Heh.

Paimon: Is This where the Rite of Parting is gonna take place?

Zhongli: Yes. I have already rented this location, and have begun making preparations for the rite.

Y/n: This is the same place where Rex Lapis fell, and the place where I got accused.

Zhongli: That's right. The Liyue Qixing have acquiesced  to using the same location.

Paimon: Should we be really be at the crime scene though? We might get cought by the Millelith. With that being said, after we got back from Jueyun Karst, none of those pesky Millelith soldiers have come chasing after us... Except the restaurant one, but chef Mao told us they just came for food.

Y/n: Well, let's give it a shot.

You spot a guard standing in front of the gate, he wasn't too far, but you decided to do the most logical thing...

Y/n: HEY YOU!

Millelith#1: WHAT?

Y/n: I LOVE YOUR HAIRCUT!

Millelith#1: THANKS!

Y/n: Now. Even if this was a trap, they won't arrest someone who complemented them.

Zhongli: ... Alright then.

Paimon: Also, one thing... The Rex Lapis vessel...

Zhongli: Traditionally, we call it the Exuvia.

Paimon: Ah, right! You seem to know everything, Mr. Zhongli. Um, so, was this Exuvia hidden away by the Qixing? I mean we haven't even figured out who the murderer is...

Zhongli: One must think that they already have someone in mind. Or perhaps they already know. Surely, they must have found all the evidence that there is to find.

Y/n: Yet, they haven't made their moves. Maybe they are waiting for something.

Zhongli: These things are for the authorities in Yuijing Terrace to consider. Trying to help would probably add to their troubles. Before the rite is conducted, the Exuvia will be kept temporarily in the Golden House.

Paimon: Golden House?

Zhongli: The only mint in Liyue... Which is to say, the only mint in Teyvat. All Mora that flows through the world is minted there.

The floating marshmallow's imagination was going wild.

Paimon: Wooooooow...

Before stopping for a second and waving her arms around.

Paimon: Wait. No! Paimon wasn't thinking of anything bad. Paimon thinks it suits Morax. But, how do you know this, Mr. Zhongli?

Zhongli: Since the Rite of Parting has the approval of the Qixing, it is a semi-official event. As such, there is already some limited information available.

Y/n: Are you sure they can be trusted though? From the looks of it, everyone has ulterior motives in here.

Zhongli: Perhaps each has their own motives... But this is the capital of commerce. A little exploiting once in a while is not unacceptable. In Liyue, where the God of Contracts reigns, only contracts may not be betrayed. I for one have no issue with little maneuvers outside their remit.

Y/n: Hmm...

Zhongli: Do you want to say something, Traveler?

Y/n: Oh, nope. Nothing.

You stop for a second, and begin looking around confusing the floating marshmallow.

Paimon: Uh, Y/-

Y/n: I have to say, this place looks very nice for the Rite of Parting. So what's our next move?

Zhongli: Indeed, it is. We should go and prepare some perfumes to use in the rite.

Paimon: Huh?

You just give her a look, and nod. Getting the message she also gets back to the main topic.

Y/n: (Someone... Or some people are watching us. Who though? Did Childe send someone or is it Ningguang...? Or maybe even both.)

Paimon: So, do we just buy the perfumes or...?

Zhongli: No, perfumes used to honor the gods must be freshly decocted. The quality of the Silk Flowers we require is also special.

Y/n: How special?

Zhongli: Silk flower petals contain fibrous material of good quality, often used in brocade-making. It's scent, however, is most elegant, and is especially suited for solemn events like giving offerings to gods and adepti.

Paimon: Zhongli's lectures on high society again...

Y/n: Ahem... wE lIvE iN a SoCiEtY.

Zhongli: Heh. We shall speak of the details later. For now. Follow me, we shall go to the merchants and purchase the ingredients.

Following the consultant while looking around for a bit commenting on the view a little. What you really wanted was to see who was watching you. Unfortunately, you didn't find them.

And so you're here, on a platform that separates you from the ocean, in front of you was a thin middle aged man, with a mustache.

Paimon: Hey, boss. Do you sell Silk Flowrs here?

Bolai: Silk Flowers? We certainly do! Which kind would you like?

Paimon: Which... Kind? The, uh... Good kind! The best kind! Uhh.... Remind Paimon what kinds there are?

Bolai: Ugh... You ignorant shoppers, always coming here with your stupid questions...

Y/n: Wow... Maybe you could like... Fucking tell us so we can learn? But, apparently all your patience common sense went towards your pedo-stache. Zhongli, could you take it from here?

Zhongli: Golden House Maiden, Valley Weaver, and Fate's Yearning. One of each to start with, if you don't mind.

Bolai: ... My goodness! This gentleman is quite the connoisseur!

Y/n: Oh, character build up to show us his knowledge. Nice.

Bolai: And you two must be his servants, please refrain from further contributions.

Y/n: ... Bruh. Wait. Isn't he that guy who told us the way?

Paimon: Aha! No wonder why his mustache was so familiar.

Y/n: Eh, guess I know who to sabotage next.

Spoke Y/n casually, the owner didn't hear him as he was talking to the BigDongZhong.

Bolai: Now then... Please peruse at your leisure. Do let me know if you have any further thoughts.

Zhongli: Silk flower exhibit different properties based on their environment conditions differ from  their ancestral habitat... Nevertheless, these are fine specimens. Excellently preserved. Just look at the abundant foliage here.  And these stamens, glamorous as a maiden of the Golden House.

Zhongli: The strain is an evergreen, and mostly grows and mostly grows under hydrogical conditions. By contrast, this variety thrives in any the dark, damp location, often in large cluster. Morphologically, it is distinguished by the profusion of petals and densely packed stamens, though it's powe9scent gives it away easily.

Zhongli: Lastly, this strain is quite recluse. Unlike its exuberant cousins, flowers and foliage are minimal, and when in season, it has a subtle yet enduring scent. It was first discovered by the ancients when they scaled the mountains in search for the adepti.

Zhongli: Silk flowers have all but dissappeared from the wild today, due to geographical changes over Liyue's history. Most are grown now by horticulturalists.

Bolai: Wow. A true connoisseur. Most of that was news even to me!

Zhongli: I possess a smattering of trivial knowledge. My traveler friend is the one to watch-- he is on track to set foot in every corner in the world.

Y/n: ... Y'know... Even I think you are overestimating me in these. You needed four separate paragraphs to talk about Silk Flowers... Only three kinds on it!

Paimon: You're way too humble, Mr. Zhongli. So, which flower did you want, anyway?

Y/n: I sense that he is gonna pull off another Jade move.

Zhongli: I'll take them all, boss.

Y/n: Yup, yup... There it is.

Paimon: Again!?

Zhongli: How can I put this... When purchasing opera tickets, it is only natural to decide on which singer has the most melodious voice. The same logic applies when purchasing a pet bird. But this Silk Flower purchase is not an analogous case. The same logic does not apply.

Zhongli: Perhaps you don't know. Tradition states that we should decocg perfume from different sub-species of Silk Flower when making an offering to the Statue of The Seven. Rex Lapis will then make his own choice between the scents.

Zhongli: Like several other tedious and complicated traditions, this one has become simplified over time. But this is the only Rite of Parting to take place for one of the Seven in three thousand seven hundred years. As such, I do think we should honor tradition down to the last detail in this case.

Paimon: Oooh. Okay!

Y/n: We got it, chief.

Zhongli: Now that's settled, a question... *clears throat*. Do you have any Mora on you?

Y/n: We don't got it, chief.

Paimon: You forgot to bring money again!? Grrr, Zhongli!!!

Y/n: I'm beginning to see a pattern here that I'm not sure I like.

Bolai: If I may interject... Did I hear you say these flowed are to be an offering to the Lord of Geo himself!?

Paimon: Yes... In a sense.

Bolai: Gosh. Well, why didn't you say so? I heard the awful news of what happened at this year's the Rite of Descension...

Y/n: Heard? I thought you were there..

Bolai: It would be bad luck to say it out loud. But I've been worried about our dear Lord ever since... I'm worried that everything I heard is true...

Y/n: ... I'm not even gonna bother anymore. So, Paimon, about the scarf, how was it?

Just as how they ignore you, you ignored them. How nice, this chapter is fucking boring.

Paimon: Nicely done! Though Liyue is quite hot, so Paimon's saving it.

I wonder where... Ignore the Dragonspine.

Bolai: Since these flowers Wil be used to glorify our lord, they're free of charge, just don't forget to pass my regards.

Paimon: Wait. Are you serious!?

Bolai: Why wouldn't I? I would be nobody if not for Rex Lapis. If he hadn't written those poems in praise of my wares, they'd only be worth a fraction of what I can sell them for today...

Paimon: Huh... So much folkfore around Liyue's deity here keep making cameo appearances in support of local businesses...

Y/n: Hmmm... That could be the reason on why Zhongli is going to them.

Zhongli: Thank you, boss. I think I speak for all of us when I say your generosity saved all of our skins.

Y/n: No, no, you don't.

Paimon: "Our" skins!? You're the one who forgot to bring Mora!

Y/n: Do you even have Mora...?

Zhongli: Ahem...

Bolai: Please. It's the least I can do.

Y/n: Zhongli just maxing out his luck and charisma over here.

SCENE CHANGE MOTHER FU--

Paimon: So now that we've got the flowers, how do we make the perfume?

Zhongli: Ideally, with the help of an expert. Unfortunately, none of my aquantices have personal experience in the art of decoction...

Paimon: Talk about first world problems...

Zhongli: Hence why I need your help, Traveler. Try talking the common folk especially women.

Paimon: We get to go around twon looking for nice smelling ladies? Paimon likes this job!

Y/n: I don't... Can I at least get some armor and a get-away scooter just in case it goes wrong?

Zhongli: I will wait for you near the Statue of The Seven. Come meet me when the perfume is ready. Best of luck, Y/n.

Y/n: Comforting... Well, try not to be seen as a creep challenge starts now.

T

IMESKIP BROUGHT YOU BY Y/N USING A SCOOTER TO GET AWAY FROM A BUNCH OF ANGRY WOMEN

Y/n: Oi, you!

We see a person who is definitely not Y/n. He was wearing his straw hat, with his mustache.

Girl#7: Huh? May I help you?

Y/n: I happen to smell your NPC self's perfume. Can you tell me abo-

Girl#7: GET AWAY, CREEP!

Y/n: Bitch, I'm talking like a normal fucking person! Get your wooden plank ass outta here!

The mustache boi walks away, looks up, and sees the words in the sky: Challenge Failed.

Y/n: Well... The challenge sucked anyway...

Paimon: I don't think you should talk to girls like that, they are over sensitive...

Y/n: If they won't hear me out, then fuck them not in the good way!

Paimon: Maybe let Paimon do the talking next time?

Y/n: Eh, sure. Why no--

You stop again, and look up to a rooftop to see no one.

Y/n: I swear, it felt like some person was watching me.

Paimon: How can you be so sure?

Y/n: I don't fucking know, I used to be a street rat before becoming a chef, it's a weird feeling I get when it happens. Basically Spidy-Senses but with stalker paranoia. Maybe my stalker is the playable character...

Its been 7K words, and if you are still reading, I have a question for you... How the hell didn't you die of boredom yet?

So anyway, boredom aside with Y/n's paranoia, you finally let Paimon do the talking and now you're in front of a woman called Ying'er.

Ying'er: Well hello. You've found me at last, I've been waiting for you.

Y/n: ... I don't like where this is going.

Ying'er: I've heard rumors about a couple who were snooping around town looking for nice smelling people with one guy who was a hit rude.

Paimon: Now you make us sound like bad people.

Ying'er: What can I say? People love to talk. Next time, you could be a little more discreet.

Y/n: Hmmm... Describe the rude person, was he a handsome fellow?

Paimon: Stroking your ego again...?

Y/n: I'm just bored... Can we just get a time skip on this? No?

Ying'er: I was actually starting to worry you wouldn't find me, this is the ultimate test for my appeal.

Y/n: Okay, cool. Perfumes please with these. Hey, that rhymed!

Ying'er: Three in one go... My goodness! You have extreme taste for someone your age. You're on a prowl and need a sweet-smelling ammunition, is that all?

Y/n: This ain't no perfume commercial, lady. It's for Rex Lapis.... Now that just makes me sound I'm hitting on a god.... Oh well.

Ying'er: *Chuckles* Aw, is that the best you could come up with? Even if you were genuinely making an offering to a deity, that doesn't explain why you need three kinds. I'm sorry, your story doesn't hold water!

Y/n: You wanna bet on that?

Paimon: Zhongli was right, people don't remember this tradition anymore.

Y/n: Can we please timeskip this...?

Ying'er: As one of my favorite poems goes: "Oh, cherry tree, begrudge not thy blossoms as they are deflowered in the spring, for come winter, even thy sturdiest wood shall wither."

Y/n: Does anyone really care about this. Just time skip it dammit!

Paimon: Paimon wants to leave...

Ying'er: In short, I'm happy to help, Traveler. You can be my assistant while we work, just make sure that I'm the only person on your mind while you're hanging with me, okay?

Y/n: Then I'll immediately forget about your existence. Got it.

Ying'er: Now, now. No need to be a bad boy toying with girls' hearts.

Paimon: Hey, now! Calm down, lady!

Y/n: I miss Mondstadt...

Ying'er: So where should we go to make the sweet, sweet perfumes.

Y/n: Wanmin Restaurant! (Xiangling, please be there.)

TIMESKIP BROUGHT YOU BY THE AUTHOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO MAKE THIS CHAPTER ENTERTAINING

Let's just get this over with, ya fucking Uncreative banana piece of shi-

Xiangling: Okie! Got it!

Guoba: *Guoba noises*

Y/n: Speaking straight facts again, Guoba.

Guoba: *Smug Guoba noises*

Ying'er: I've already spoke with Chef Mao. Traveler, are you read-

The world eater jumps in front of the perfume lady with Guoba in hand.

Xiangling: HUZZAH! As I, Xiangling, alongside Sir Guoba II, will protect Sir Y/n the Traveler from your weird phrases that he finds uncomfortable!

Ying'er: Oh, how cute. You can help us as well. Now. Y/n, are you ready to please me.

Paimon: Uh- W-what did you say?

Ying'er: I meant make me proud. As my assistant, obviously.

Y/n: Save your bonking bat, Y/n... You need the perfumes... It can be done after...

Ying'er: Well then, while I'm setting up. Could you bring me some water?

Xiangling: Oh, it's just behind the restaurant. Let's go, Y/N!

Pulling your wrist, while you looked like you were so done with life. The two of you bring some wo'ah.

Xiangling: Before I forget! Y/n, I just made one BEAUTIFUL slime stew! Do you want to try it after!?

Her energy knows no bounds, she was practically bouncing around.

Paimon: Paimon wishes your stomach a nice recovery if you eat it....

Xiangling: Don't be like that! I tried some! It's good!

Y/n: You'd eat concrete if you were able to cook it.

Xiangling: AN IDEA!

Y/n: NO!

Paimon: So... How's life, Guoba?

Guoba: *Shakes head in Guoba*

Paimon: Don't worry, you'll get that cookie jar one day.

Xiangling: Tests must be done to see if it's edible!

Y/n: Do you want to die!? You absolute donut!

Cupping her cheeks with your hands, you begin to shake her.

Y/n: MY DAY IS DAMN BORING, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO SEE YOU IN HOSPITAL, YOU DOLT!

Xiangling: AYYayyYyAyayyYY!

Ah, the drugs are kicking in. Took them long enough.

Y/n: DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?

Xiangling: YAYyyayHhYyhYayya.

Y/n: ARE YOU HAVING A SEIZURE?

Xiangling: NOOOoOooOOoooOo!

Y/n: Alright. Nice. Let's get back to the perfumes. Thanks, Xiang. You made this boring thing a little enjoyable.

Xiangling: I have no idea what I did, but you're welcome!

Guoba: *Intense Guoba noises*

Y/n: Don't worry, you're awesome, Guoba.

Guoba: *Happy Guoba noises*

A

fter the drama of getting water, you are finally back in the kitchen.

Mao who saw what the hell they did back there was happy and scared in the same time.

Happy because his little girl is getting more friends.

Scared because both of them are chaotic... And it's Y/n.

Ying'er: Now. I need to to extract the Silk Flower essence using a crafting bench. Perfume making uses an all together different technique from alchemy.

Ying'er: Here, let me teach you. Very carefully, take hold of the mortar and pestle... Gently does it. Now, use your strong hand to stir it in persistent rhythm... Keep going until the juices start coming out...

Y/n: Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do...

Mao: What in the absolute world did I just hear!?

Xiangling: It sounds that bad? I don't really get it, it sounds normal.

Y/n: Oh, you pure, pure angel.

You stare directly at the woman's eyes.

Y/n: You better not tell her or I'll YEET your ass to another dimension.

TIMESKIPPU DA

Y/n: I just wanna say I ate a very good garlic bread with avocado.

Xiangling: Ish gawd!

Mao: Don't talk while eating.

Ying'er: Now. The essence is placed into the water and simmered over low heat until most of the water is boiled off. You must take care of controlling the heat during this process. If the temperature goes too high, it will affect the scent. So please focus. Don't waste any drop of essence, we need them all.

Y/n: Why do I have to do all of this?

Ying'er: Come on, I'll guide you.

Y/n: I'll steal your recipe in the process.

With some guidance... And some burnt gloves. You finally got the hang of it.

Y/n: And that's why you get an extra pair of gloves just in case.

Wearing your adventuring gloves, and tossing away the burnt ones in the bin. You flex your fingers for a bit in them.

Paimon: *Whisper* Don't. Flex. Them. You'll give her more ideas.

Y/n: *Whisper* Oh right. Thanks.

Xiangling: THE SMELL IS STRONG! IT'S INVADING THE KITCHEN!

Guoba: *Guoba warcry*

Mao: *Internal suffering*

Y/n: Normal Tuesday.

Ying'er: The perfumes re done. And you, my lovely assistant, did a great job. A testament to the lengths you will go for romance... It's rare to see them nowadays.

Xiangling: Y/n has a crush? Who?

Mao: Really? Doing that in front of me, young man?

Y/n: It's my love for Guoba.

And thus Y/n married Guoba and lived happily ever after with Venti and Aether joining the harem--

CUT! CUT! WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS IN THE SCRIPT!?

TAKE 2

Y/n: It's for myself.

Narcissistic motherfu--

Ying'er: Anyway... Shall I give you a brief overview over each scent? It might help you match what you're going for.

Y/n: I'm just gonna say no knowing damn well you're still gonna explain them.

Paimon: Paimon wants to hear it though!

True to his words. She started explaining.

Ying'er: This first one is sweet as candy, straight out of a dairy tale...

Xiangling: It smells delicious! I wanna take a bite of the air!

Mao: Not again...

Ying'er: Younger women love it. The second one for those with more refined taste... The first choice for daughters of high society. Lastly, the third one has a soft yet lingering scent, like mint that captures the alst light in the dusk. Mature women adore this one. All clear? Don't get them mixed up now, you'd ruin the mood.

Y/n: "Ayo, Rwx Lapis. Be my lover. " Got it.

Ying'er: ... Okay. Be sure to come over if you need any help with anything, okay? I'll leave you with some parting words: One who tries to sail three boats simultaneously should be careful not to go overboard.

Y/n: Uh-huh... Three... Definitely.

Ying'er: Come and hang out with me at Scent of Spring sometime, okay?

Y/n: Yeah, sometime...

And thus, she left.

Y/n: Thank God, she's gone. Hehehe. She didn't mention anything about payment. Nice.

Mao: Y/n, what exactly are you planning on doing with my daughter...?

Xiangling: Eh? These are for me???

Y/n: No, they aren't. And don't worry, Mao-Mao. This is for a funeral. I'll see you at the Rite of Parting.

Mao: Oh...

Y/n: Well, I'll be off. Gotta meet the BigDongZhong. Remember. Stay in drugs, don't do vegetables, and eat your school.

Mao: That doesn't even make sense.

Xiangling: BUT WE WILL!

Guoba: *Agrees in Guoba*

Y/n: Oh... And Xiangling.

Xiangling: Yes?

All fo a sudden she got booped in the nose.

Y/n: Boop. Payback.

And thus you haul ass towards the statue. Leaving the defeated Xiangling.

Xiangling: NOOOOOOOO! MY STREAK!

The older Chef just shakes his head.

Mao: I seriously don't know what's going on anymore...

And thus... Cliffhanger.

_______________________________________

I'm fucking tired.... As always.

Hello, sorry for the boring chapter. Hopefully the last bits were better.

I've been thinking for quite some time about 30 minutes on how to make it enjoyable... And my brain died joining my braincells.

But, hey! 9K wor--

....... Fair.

So... Uhhh, how was it? Boring? Still boring? Really boring, ya fucking banana!?

I found this picture a few weeks ago, and decided now is the perfect time to share it

Oh well.

BA-NA-NA RO-TA-TE FA-STER