{TW: STRONG MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES; PLEASE BE ADVISED. SKIP TO AUTHOR'S NOTE FOR RECAP BEFORE MOVING ON IF YOU CANNOT READ}

If I needed more proof that coming to school was a bad idea, my time in the cafeteria would be all I need. Emori left my side a little while ago, and even though I'm sure she was probably just going to say 'hi' to an old friend, it was annoying. She asked me to have lunch with her. And then she left.

Most of the guys are too busy to talk to me. I can hear Travis's loud laughter as someone else joins in. I'm not a part of their conversation, as usual.

I hope Emori will come back. No matter how many people are around me, it's still as if I'm the only person in the room. Even when I could still see, I always felt so alone. That's what it's like to be popular. Everyone knows who you are, but no one gets close to you because they enjoy your company. They just want your status. Sure, a few people are good friends to me, but I still feel so alone. Like I'm not allowed to have any issues. Even when my parents' marriage felt like it was falling apart a few years ago, I had to pretend it wasn't.

Losing Gavin to the accident wasn't the worst part. What came after was. All of this is the direct result of... well, anger issues and depression. My therapist told me it's survivor's guilt. The stress of wanting to conform to the views of our community even though I have no clue what I want to do anymore. Any plan I had for myself no longer exists.

So many people are around me, yet no one knows what I'm going through. They hear about it, but they don't know. The NFL is out, and I lost my college scholarship because I can't play football anymore. Without it, I'm not even sure I can afford to go to college. Gavin was my biggest supporter, the one who taught me everything there is to know about football. Everything that made me fall in love with the sport. And now he's gone, and so is the chance of achieving my dreams.

The sounds of laughter and conversation fade away, replaced by a dull buzz in my ears. Blood pounds in the back of my mind and my heart thuds in my chest. My hands shake. My feet tingle. I need to get away. I can't stay in the cafeteria any longer. But if I leave, the others will notice, someone will follow me, and I'll say something I don't mean. Then I'll have no one left. They'll hate me.

My breathing is shallow as I fight back tears. I can't cry. Not here. My throat is so dry, it feels like my tongue is made of cotton. And why can't I breathe? Oh, God, I need to breathe. I swallow as bile rises in my throat and my legs begin to tremble.

I need to get out of here. The only issue is whether I can sneak away or manage to get to the door without falling.

Fuck it. They're too busy to pay attention to me. I stagger forward with my hand raised to help myself, hoping I don't run into anyone or walk into a table.

But before I can clear the tables, my knee smacks off one of the chairs, and I crash to the ground. I pull my leg to my chest and groan. The cafeteria is quiet now, and I hate it. I hate that people can't pass up the chance for gossip.

"Tay, honey, let me help." Miss May appears and hooks her arms under my shoulders, pulling me to my feet.

"What happened?" Travis asks, and Miss May stops. She shifts a little to adjust to my weight.

"He fell. It's okay. I've got him."

"But -"

"I know you want to help, but I have him," she says. Her sweet voice sounds as level as ever. "Look around. People are staring. You aren't helping matters. I've got it."

Travis sighs but leaves, and Miss May leads me away.

Just as I make it to the hallway, I collapse to the ground and pull my legs to my chest. Pins and needles ricochet through my body, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Tears manage to slip their way through my eyelids as I lean my head against my knees.

Miss May's knees crack as she drops beside me and rests a hand on my shoulder.

"Mnh." I shrink away from her touch. Unformed words lodge in my throat as I hide my face in my knees. Every emotion, every thought that came after the accident all hit me in waves. My limbs are like lead. I can't move them.

I lean until my head rests on Miss May's shoulder. My trembling begins to subside but it's still so hard to breathe. I'm so dizzy and nauseous. I feel childish. Guys my age aren't supposed to cry. Why am I acting like this? Why can't  I stop?

"Here." She nudges me with something.

I take it and bring it to my nose to sniff. It's sweet and smooth to the touch. "Chocolate?"

"It's good to eat something after a panic attack."

"Oh." I bring the chocolate bar to my lips with unsteady hands. Panic attack? That's what that was? My counselor told me I had one before, but this one felt different. Worse. My heart is still thumping loudly in my ears, and I desperately will the throbbing to go away.

Every joint and muscle in my body aches. I want to go home, but I can't. My parents will automatically know what happened.

"You wanna go home? I can call your dad and -"

"No, please don't call Dad." I throw my hands up quickly. "He can't know what happened. Neither can my mom. Especially her. Please, Miss May, I'll be fine."

She lets out a breath, and the frown in her voice is evident. "Okay, I believe you, but if something else happens, I will not hesitate to call them. You can't hide these things from them." She wraps her frail arms around me, and the smell of her vanilla perfume fills my nose. I inhale the comforting scent to calm myself down. "I'm here if you need someone."

I force a smile. She's so sweet, but not even she can handle my issues. "Thanks, Miss May."

As the soft squishing of her shoes retreats down the hallway, I slump against the wall again. The linoleum floor is cold against my hands, but I don't mind. My phone is heavy in my left pocket, and I pull it out, using the call command to call my therapist.

Dr. Pierce's voice filters through the speaker, sounding confused. "Tay?"

I sniffle, stretching my legs out to their full length on the floor. "Sorry to call out of the blue like this."

"No, no, it's okay. Is something wrong?"

"I had another panic attack." I play with a loose thread in my pants, the phone tucked between my shoulder and ear. "It was bad, I guess. A lot of people saw it."

She breathes out through her nose. "Hon, that's not good. Have you been taking your medicine? I know you don't like it, but I really think if you just give it a chance -"

"Hell no," I snap, effectively interrupting her. The memory of the chalky taste of those damn pills makes me cringe. They don't do anything, anyway. They just make me tired. I never feel anything but lazy and indifferent. Like a zombie. "That shit doesn't help me one bit."

"Tay, I get that -"

"No. Respectfully, Dr. Pierce, I don't think you do." She's a therapist. She probably hasn't even gone through what I have. If she did, she'd be more understanding. How would she feel if she had pills crammed down her throat? I'd say pretty shitty.

She sighs, probably pinching the bridge of her nose the way she always used to when she was Gavin's doctor. "Fine. Don't take the medicine. But you need to start making more appointments or I'll have to drop your case."

"But -"

"But nothing, Tay. It's the office's guidelines. If you don't initiate by their terms of the word, they assume you don't want our help." She sighs and sharp clinking echoes in the background. "Even if they drop you, I will do my best to still counsel you on my days off, but those are few and far in between. Just one more appointment, okay? Then you can quit if you want. Should we say... Wednesday at four p.m.? Is that after school lets out?"

I clench my jaw. I don't want to go to the office. Things have been going so much better until now. Maybe I should just let her drop my case. At least then, I won't have to worry about it anymore.

But I need this to work. I want to be able to let go of what happened or at least be able to think about it without having a panic attack. If not for me, then at least for my family.

"Fine. See you Wednesday."

A/N (Recap): After Emori leaves Tay, the crowd begins to get to him and his anxiety rises to a high. When he tries to escape, he falls, and Travis tries to come to his aid but is driven away by a concerned Miss May. After Tay's panic attack, he calls his counselor to set up an appointment with her.