Reality is useless, let's get back to our LIMP (still a terrible name).

If you're asking yourself: Alex, journals are for talking about your daily life, why aren't you doing that instead of talking about a pretend male love interest?

You might not be asking yourself that. I'll be honest I don't even know who I'm referring to when I use the word 'you'.

Is it another pretend person, my apocalyptic survivor?

Is it Julian, thinking she'd read this to check in on me. Maybe if it is I'm doing this so she finds amusement in my entries and not complete depression.

Or maybe the 'you' is to the friends that no longer care. No, they probably care it's just I'm out of their lives enough that I'm not a daily relevance in their life.

Maybe the 'you' is the family members who aren't around anymore. The ones that have attached the word 'sick' to me and have let it be at that. They don't understand the full extent and don't care. Maybe this is for them...

Or maybe it's for me since my life is small and it feels nice to talk to the universal 'you' of the world. I don't know and I'm not sure I care.

But, to the 'you' that is questioning my lack of daily life put into this journal well...

Hi! And welcome to a day in the life of a chronically sick person! Before we get started make sure to hit the like button, think of subscribing, and don't forget to turn on that notification bell!

Thanks for joining me in what it looks like to live my life.

To clarify I live one day, not multiple days. I live the same day over. It's like a groundhog day scenario except I'm the only one reliving the same day and everyone's lives are moving forward.

So this routine could be copied and pasted into the rest of my journal entries on how my day went. Though I will admit to some slight variations, the small things that really shake up my life.

Morning: I wake up and access my pain. This will determine a few things: can I get out of bed? Can I make my own breakfast? Can I get dressed?

I usually can get out of bed. Most days.

If I can make myself breakfast then that qualifies as a decent day.

If I can change from my pajamas to sweatpants/comfy shorts and a T-shirt, this is also a positive. It's good to look good for the four people in my life.

After breakfast, I prepare myself for a long day of not really moving in my room. Sometimes if I'm feeling adventurous I journey out into the family room.

If my pain is manageable I can read, if it's not manageable I listen to an audiobook. If it's unbearable then I watch something to distract myself.

Here you might think to yourself, why not take pain meds?

Great question that has a terrible answer. Pain meds don't work on me. And I've taken the hardcore meds that can only be attained from a prescription pad and a strong warning. Still, they don't work. Lucky me.

For lunch, I usually eat something that looks like a garden transplanted onto a plate and a side of the animal who'd wandered around the garden.

Well, that's currently what it is, I mentioned I have small variations in my life, food is one of them. I've done every diet you could think of in hopes that it might help. I once did all meat. Yeah, it was as bad as you can imagine.

After lunch, it's back to a book, audiobook, or tv show until my sister gets back from high school. Then I live vicariously through her day, which I'm hoping she embellishes because otherwise, I'm really missing out on a wild life of high school.

Next, my younger brother comes home from middle school and pokes his head in. Sometimes we watch an episode together, it's a toss up between Phinus and Ferb or Doctor Who. 

Dinner comes later. Again another garden and poultry. It's usually Julian who makes it or my mom. It's rare if I feel up for eating at the dining room table.

Then before I change back into pajamas it's more books.

Oh, my nighttime routine?

I'm glad you asked, it's brushing my teeth with a natural toothpaste and avoiding the mirror as I do it so I don't have nightmares that night.

Some things not mentioned in my day but are occurrences that happen from time to time are: sitting outside in the sun, walking up and down my driveway (if possible), and eating a meal on the front porch. But these aren't guaranteed activities so I didn't mention them so I didn't exaggerate your expectations of the glorious life I live.

Thanks for coming along with me as I went through my day! Don't forget to subscribe!

Do you see now why I don't journal about my day? It would be pointless. It's far more meaningful to dive into the unrealistic world of a pretend male love interest.

Though I don't know, maybe seeing my daily life you'll understand me a little more. Though maybe you won't, looking at the complete lack of activity might be completely foreign to you and hard to grasp.

Don't worry, you wouldn't be the first.

I know sometimes people wonder why I don't simply do more, get up, and workout because that could help my body. Take part in chores around the house. Study for the GED. You know, I'm home, why not take advantage of my large amount of free time? Why be lazy?

To you people, I say SHOVE YOUR THOUGHTS UP YOUR-

Sorry Julian if you're reading this, I'm okay, I promise.

Anyways, people don't understand.

And I will use this factor to develop the LIMP plot line, let's get to it.

I'm going to draw some stars here so you can feel like we're getting back into the real story.

*****

I made a bad decision. Yes, even people who are chronically sick and have reached higher levels of wisdom because of this fact can still make bad decisions.

My bad decision?

I chose to look into the mirror. Yes, even I see the idiocy of this decision. But there you have it. I stand in front of my mirror, my hair washed. It hangs like limp (ha!) noodles around my face.

(Since this is pretend I'm going to pretend I actually have the energy to blow-dry my hair when this is not realistic in the least. It hurts too much to hold a blowdryer for too long)

I blow-dry my hair and feel satisfied with the less pathetic result. I almost look, dare I say it, human because of this. Am I doing this all for a hot guy? 100%. Do I feel stupid for putting in this much effort? 100%. Will that change anything? Not at all.

I've searched out and refrigerated a water bottle. I've blow-dried my hair. I'm committed.

I go to my closet and pick out a less worn-looking T-shirt and a pair of shorts that I would think of as cute. (Since I've been out of the world for a while I'm not sure anymore what's cute or not)

I get changed and brave facing my mirror again. I smile in an attempt to appear more lively but I stop when I realize that all I notice are the dark circles under my eyes.

Knowing the best course of action is to not give the mirror any more ammunition to destroy my self worth, I walk away. (I would say I skip down the stairs but we've already stretched the limits of believability today and so I won't break it with that lie.) I make my way to the kitchen where I retrieve the water bottle from the fridge, check the time, and then walk out onto the front porch. 

I sit in my usual spot and roll the water bottle between my hands, gazing out on the street. (But not searching, I don't want to come off too eager.)

Behind me, I hear the door open and a second later Julian passes by me.

"Off to work?"I ask like I haven't memorized her entire schedule and can predict the time without having to look at a clock but solely based on her arrival and departure.

"Yup. Enjoy soaking up the sun," she says. "Don't get too overheated."

I nod and watch as she drives away. When I can no longer see her car, I go back to staring at the street and waiting untroubled.

But waiting lasts until the water bottle has not only cooled but become lukewarm and the hair I worked hard to blow dry sticks to spots on my face from sweat.

No Ryder comes.

I stand and pull my shirt away from my skin. What a waste of an outfit.

I walk into the house, not hating him but myself for hoping.

Because something someone who has never been sick will never understand is the worst thing they can do is waste a sick person's energy. Because that precious energy I used up is gone forever.

*********************************************************************

Hello, You cute carnation! 🌺

Ooooh!! A twist in the story! A bump in the road! A unforeseen conflict! A pothole in the road! A knot in our headphone wires!

Go ahead, you have my permission to gasp and mutter unintelligibly at this shocking development.💭💬🗯🐼

Now let's jump back to Alex's day, I say she has true potential to become a Youtube influencer. I mean, if it wasn't for the fact that doing that takes so much work and energy. Energy she doesn't have. Still, she has potential.

Random side track: Do you ever wonder how people get big on Youtube? I mean you post a video but how do others find it when there are literally millions of videos being uploaded a day! It's crazy!

Okay, back on track! I'm not sure we really were on an specific track...

Alright then! Vote, comment, follow don't eat the green tomatoes!

Randomly I'm getting back into my panda phase, my 4th grader heart would be happy!