Author - RehanaSiraj

Book - Annoying Home mates

Reviewer - polymath_land

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Review

Title-

The title is good, simple, apt to the plot and quite unique, definitely attractive enough to grab the readers attention.

But, still, I suggest, you can make it more attractive by having synonyms of it.

Cover-

The cover is not at all attractive, just some simple pictures which cannot attract any readers. You can make the cover in a creative way, after all, it is all about the home mates. You definitely can!

The title on the cover doesn't match with your book title, change it.

Blurb-

Blurb is good, but not sufficient to attract the readers.

There are some words you misused in your blurb.

" rather than to live on the same flat for six months. ", it is the wrong sentence, don't you think so?

The title is Home mates and in the blurb, you have written Flat. It doesn't make any sense. Either change it to home and or change the title to Flat.

Blurb rather gives me a character sketch more. Your story is definitely something everyone would love to give a read if they want to smile. But, losing the readers just because of an unattractive blurb is definitely a great failure.

Work on the blurb more. Your story has a chance to build an attractive blurb.

" Peep inside to know more", is a sentence which should be banned while writing. It is not the correct way, don't include peep to know more in your blurb.

It may irritate readers, even if you write, write it under personal blurb. I agree you have differentiated it with a '**' symbols, but that definitely cannot be understood by new users. So, if you want to write about something that doesn't include the blurb of the story, write it under personal blurb / AN's.

Plot-

The plot is definitely not something new, but the way you have created it with the different type of characters and their attributes with extreme humour is definitely something that would grab readers attention.

Well, Ramu is definitely an important character here.

Kushi, Arnav, Ishita, Raman and Shivay living in the same flat in their respective rooms.

Humour is definitely plus point to your story, in fact, it is excellent but the way you carried out the story (flow) is blitz here.

Arnav and Ishita's relationship, Arshi's and Raman-Ishita's cat and dog fight is fun to read.

Annika's introduction as a servant in the same house, the behaviour of Shivay and Annika gives a hint of an idea of their relationship, yet a curiosity to know the fine relationship between them.

Drunken Kushi is definitely a treat to read.

Until now, the humour is attractive.

But, you have missed the flow of the story.

The readers may get confused with all the characters (more than 3) included, even I did. So, don't rush. Just take it at a slow pace with the neat introduction of their attributes, especially when more than 3 characters are involved.

Actually, a novel should mainly focus on 3 characters - Main character, his/ her supporter and a sinner. This format gives no confusion.

Since your book is all about different characters, it gives the readers confusion. So, just concentrate on the flow, take it at a slow stride.

Well, coming to the character Guru, you have introduced him as a person who loves Annika and has the greed of money. He sent Annika to trap Raman in their web who turns out to be a cop.

But, it is all a web of sham, he wanted AB Negative Heart which lies in Kushi's chest, for his illegal mafia on a contract. After kidnapping them, using Ishita who's a heart surgeon to operate Kushi, at the same time revenging on Kushi for his parent's death who died because of Kushi's dad turned out as a surprise. He wanted revenge and money. He grabbed it using Annika whom he claims to love.

It's definitely an interesting part of the story. You could have added this part as a blurb in a different way to make it interesting.

Kushi's tactics to save herself and her friends is appreciable. (Virgin part)

Humour is still present here, that was good. I smiled a lot. Making me feel emotions is a tough job. I'm a hardcore woman with no heart and emotions, that is what everyone calls me. You did manage to make me smile(laugh).

At last, Raman's acting as innocent who turned out to be a cop is the real surprise. I didn't expect it. He came to follow Ishita who's here to operate minister who's unhealthy, and that definitely failed the guru's plan.

Him giving a chance to Annika who's a mediator with no bad intention is justifiable. Still, there was a condition which screams from his professional loyalty.

At last, an open ending with a promo of the second season is interesting.

Character development-

- The relationship between Arnav and Ishika is shown beautifully.

- The cat-dog fight between Arshi and Raman - Ishita, Kushi - Shivaay is quite humorous.

But, as I said you have rushed the flow(narration), if you could have taken it at a slow pace, character development would be good.

Narration-

It is where you need to concentrate on. Even if you have narrated in writer's pov, the narration is not up to Mark. Like there was no gap between certain dialogues, and you have continued every individual's dialogue in a single paragraph. It irritates readers and they stop reading, eventually.

For example, take a look at it.

"Btw, that was also my first kiss", she whispered in his ears, making his neck hair straighten up with her proximity. And which is surely audible to ishu.

" Don't give any culture lectures as if....", Kushi snapped at ishu, throwing a glare towards her. She is highly pissed off.

Here, Kushi has a dialogue with two different persons, first, it was Arnav and second, it was ishu. You have to show us this difference. If you combine them, readers will get irritated and have to re-read it to understand. How many times can they re-read?  Their eyes are definitely not strong to re-read, they do have different stories to read daily. Got it?

Also, 'Start/End of flashback' should be written in bold so that we can easily find out what's the present and what is the past.

In fact, you can use the italic font style for a flashback. It is the best way to show a flashback.

Focus on these points.

Grammar-

Well, your story has a lot of grammatical mistakes. Be it punctuation, be it a sentence formation.

Ellipsis is used are unnecessary except at some points.

Look at below,

"Btw, that was also my first kiss.", she whispered in his ears. As soon as he heard her, his hormones took a pace of sprint, the proof is the goosebumps on his strait. Of course, the effect of her proximity it was. How can this be missed by Ishu? Her perk ears heard Kushi.

" Don't give any culture lectures as if....", Kushi snapped at ishu, throwing a glare towards her. She is highly pissed off...

Doesn't it look better?

Have a look at this, use vocabulary, synonyms and use whatever available in the dictionary.

You'd definitely improve.

Conclusion-

Positive points-

1) Plot
2) Title
3) Fun element.

Negative points-

1) Blurb
2) Narration
3) Grammar
4) Cover

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Note-

I may sound rude, but it is for your betterment. I hope this review helps you. I'd be glad if it does.

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• Mention in your book.

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