Steve lay in bed until 6. He only got about 2 hours of sleep but he didn't care. He woke up and grabbed a sweater, a pair of jeans and his boots. He walked into the bathroom and got ready.

Steve looked himself in the Mirror and saw the blade glitter.

Well your awake so might as well

Steve took the blade and ran it along his arms. The psychical pain temporarily took away the constant mental pain he was In. He cleaned and bandaged the cuts and got dressed.

He walked into the common room and grabbed a book and sat down. "Good morning cap sleep well?" Tony asked as he went into the kitchen to grab a breakfast bar.

Of course I didn't. Nightmares constantly haunt me as soon as I'm almost about to get some REM sleep. Nightmares want me to cry and scream and whimper and be back with Bucky.

"Like a log." Steve replied and flipped the page in his book. Tony nodded and sat down at the table to eat his bar. Pepper came in a second later and the two chatted.

You and Natasha could have that if you were normal. But you can't provide squat for her.

Steve curled up in the chair and read. Natasha came in a second later and plopped herself into the couch opposite Steve.

She patted the spot next to her and Steve got up and sat next to her. She was reading a file and passed it to Steve.

"If we take out this HYDRA base it may destroy their  presence in North America." Natasha said as Steve flipped through it.

"Who all is going on this mission?" Steve asked her. Natasha shrugged. "Everybody." She replied.

Steve nodded. She took the folder back and walked over to where Pepper and Tony was. Pepper got up and hugged Nat and walked off. Nat sat down and started talking with Tony.

Steve got up and walked towards the room. He put on his Captain America outfit and his black boots. He grabbed his shield and walked towards the common room again.

Clint, Bruce, Rhodey, Nat and Tony were already in the common area. "Let's go." Steve said an walked off towards the roof.

He didn't expect his problems to flair up but they did. As everybody got on the roof as Natasha got the jet ready, they all ran towards the ledge.

His breathing became heavy as his team neared the ledge. He wanted to scream for them to back up but he didn't. He was scared they all might fall and end up like Bucky.Soon Natasha  came up flying the jet and they all boarded.

As Steve walked on the ramp to board he looked between the cracks.

Come on jump. It would help everybody.

"You coming cap?" Tony asked with a worried expression. "Yeah." Steve replied and walked on the ramp onto the plane.

Natasha was flying and everybody sat on benches. Tony say next to Steve on one side and Rhodey on the other side.

Steve's eyes darted around the room and he sat on his hands so they wouldn't quiver.

He kept on imagining the plane crashing into the ocean. He wanted to scream again for Nat to just stop and land.

But soon Nat landed and everybody got off . Hydra men attacked from everywhere and Steve jumped into battle not caring about everybody who yelled at him to stop and formulate a plan.

Everybody followed suit and All of Steve's fears ceased to bother him. He threw his shield not caring about the people who shot at him.

Maybe you can get shot and make everybody happy.

So he was a little less careful.

When the mission and everybody was back at the tower,  everybody voted that Bruce cook. Steve walked off towards his room.

Tony ran up. "Hey cap are you okay you seemed really reckless today." Tony asked, concerned as always.

Steve nodded. "Yeah I'm fine." He reassured and walked towards his room. When he reached his room he picked him his shield and threw it into the wall.

Steve left the room and grabbed his bag (with his blade of course) and walked off towards the gym.

His room barely seemed like a safe haven anymore so the gym would have to do. He walked in and started punching the bag.

No wraps of course but he didn't do it for long in case Tony sent someone to check on him.

So after about 30 minutes Steve walked off towards the bathroom and doctored his hands. He would have to lie and say he got injured on the mission. He felt like he was always lying and he hated it.

He picked up the blade and twirled it between his fingers. He rolled up his sleeve and dragged the blade across his skin. A little while later he was lying in a pool of his own blood.

He kept on seeing Bucky shaking his head, ashamed. "I'm sorry Bucky!" Steve cried and curled up on the floor.

Why couldn't his miserable life end?