Thorin was sitting on his throne thinking about nothing in particular.  He watched Fili and Kili walk by, talking.

"I like pancakes," Kili said.

"Well, nobody ever cooks them, because Thorin said they're too formal for regular meals," Fili replied dryly.

Thorin stood up violently, which made both of them look.

"So I see you only call me 'uncle' when you're directly addressing me?" he asked, raising a majestic eyebrow majestically.

"Uh, I don't know, it just depends on what mood we're in," Fili stammered.

"Well, I hope you're in a good mood, because I've decided we're going to have a dinner," Thorin announced. All the Dwarves raced up to hear what he was saying, for some reason.

"We'll invite all the usual people, even Thranduil, I guess," Thorin explained, like a decree. "And we'll serve...pancakes."

"WHAT?? REALLY!!" Kili exploded, running in circles.

"Ooh, like a party?" Gloin asked.

"No!! It's a dinner. Not a party. Understood?" Thorin said.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Balin agreed and ran off to dig out a centuries-old pancake recipe.

"Inform the eagles that they need to inform Middle-earth of my dinner," Thorin told Fili.

    Much time later, Bard walked up to the doors of Erebor, where he was greeted by Kili.

"Hello, Kili! It's nice to hear that there's finally going to be a party in Erebor! I hope I don't have to throw a party in Dale," he said with a good-hearted chuckle.

"Erm, technically, it's not a party, it's a dinner," Kili replied, taking Bard's coat (as it happened, he was also in charge of coats, courtesy of Thorin).

Soon after came Gandalf. "Kili, my lad!! What's been going on?" Gandalf asked, handing Kili his hat, which was like half as tall as Kili.

"Nothing much, except that dinner will be fabulous!!" Kili exclaimed.

"Did someone say fabulous??" asked a familiar low-yet-somehow-still-high-pitched voice.

"Hello, Thranduil. I'm surprised Thorin invited you to this party," Gandalf observed.

"Why wouldn't he? I invited him to my party, didn't I?" Thranduil replied, walking past Kili without a greeting.

Kili sighed. "Your staff?" he asked Gandalf, holding out his hand.

"Erm, you would not part an old man from his walking stick," Gandalf said assuredly.

"Eh, okay," Kili said, motioning for Gandalf to walk through.

Soon after came Legolas, Tauriel, Azog, Beorn, Radagast, Elrond, and, last but not least, Bilbo.

"Woah, who invited Azog?" Legolas asked.

"I didn't," Thorin answered, looking scornfully at Azog.

"I guess the eagles did," Bard figured.

"Ah well, beggars can't be choosers," Legolas said.

"Are you saying that I'm a beggar? Because I'm not!!" Thorin yelled.

"I know," replied Legolas, trying not to get into a fight.

"Have you people SEEN Goza?!" Bard suddenly exclaimed. Everyone looked at him and saw a huge white Warg beside him.

"He's grown up already??" Azog asked, petting Goza.

"WOAH, what happened to you, Thorin??" Bilbo suddenly asked. Everyone noticed that Thorin's face was covered in nasty red cuts and bruises.

"Oh, well, Goza got a little violent yesterday, and he picked me up with his razor-sharp fangs and threw me into a wall! It obviously scratched me up pretty bad, and was very unpleasant!" Thorin explained with unexpected cheer in his tone. "But it's not the first time I've been picked up by a Warg," he added, eyeing Azog coldly.

"Wow, I'll bet you disciplined Goza pretty well," Tauriel said, looking pitifully at the huge Warg.

"Yes, I was just about ready to throw him from the rampart, but Kili came to his defense, as expected," Thorin said, annoyedly eyeing Kili.

Tauriel then looked at Kili with a happy look which made Kili faint. But he woke up a millisecond later, so he never actually fell to the floor.

"So, anyway, why don't we all head to the dining room?" Thorin suggested, which was greeted by many murmurs of agreement. The group shuffled down a staircase with no railings and there were several near-death experiences.

Eventually they made it to the dining room, which was a big room with a lot of gold objects glimmering everywhere. Everyone took a seat, letting Thorin and Gandalf sit at the two ends of the table. Several of the Dwarves were fussing over something foody at a nearby counter. Bard got up and walked over.

"Do you guys need help with something?" he asked.

"Oh no, we're just trying to transport this 500-pound stack of pancakes to the table," answered Dori.

Bard reached out to slip a hand under the platter, but accidentally knocked over a tub full of weird, creamy white stuff.

"Ewww, Bard, you got lard on the floor! Clean it up!" yelled Dwalin.

"What?? It was an accident! I don't want to touch that stuff," Bard complained.

"Clean the lard, Bard," Bilbo said calmly.

"Bard, don't make this hard," Thorin coaxed.

Bard grumbled and grabbed a rag which he used to scrub the floor clean. Then he helped the Dwarves carry the pancakes to the table. Everyone ooohed and aaaahed when they saw the pancake tower which was taller than Gandalf.

"Wow, that's taller than me!" said Gandalf.

"Alright, so how are we supposed to get the first pancakes down??" asked Legolas.

"I don't know. You're tall, you figure it out!" Kili said with a smart look on his face.

"Wait, I have an idea!" Gandalf said. With his staff, he used the Force to pull down many pancakes, which all floated over to the people seated at the table and landed neatly on their heads.

"Hmph. I could have done that," mumbled Radagast, who looked rather natural with a pancake on his head.

Kili and Fili were giggling, meanwhile, to see Thorin with a pancake on his head. But when Thorin looked at them sharply they stopped, and everyone took their pancakes off.

"So, where is the syrup? And the plates, for that matter?" asked Elrond, fingering his pancake.

"Oh, we cracked the plates!" answered Fili.

Bilbo looked at him with a fearful look in his eyes. Fili and Kili laughed to themselves.

"Just kidding," said Fili.

"You think that's funny?" Thorin asked.

"We didn't mean anything by it," Kili replied quietly.

Everyone at the table was just sitting there doing nothing. Eventually Bifur walked in balancing ten bottles of Dwarf-made syrup. Everyone took one and did up their pancakes.

Then, at last, everyone ATE their pancakes.

Except Elrond, Legolas, Thranduil, and Tauriel all spat theirs out instantly.

"What's wrong?!" asked Gandalf, looking at the four people who had just been sprayed with syrup and chewed pancake.

"These pancakes taste so Dwarven!!" exclaimed the four Elves all at once.

"And ordinarily I wouldn't have a problem with that, but seriously, these things are missing something," Tauriel gasped.

"Yes, and I think you'll be missing a hand soon," growled Azog, wiping his face clean of syrup.

"Relax, man, the hand is in the past," Thorin said, grateful that he was at the end of the table.

Azog just gave him an annoyed look.

"How about some milk?" suggested Kili, handing Tauriel a jug of it.

She poured herself a glass, but Legolas wouldn't.

"Milk is for babies," he said firmly.

"Are you implying that I'm a baby?!" Tauriel asked.

"Uh, no! Milk is for adults!" Legolas declared hastily and poured himself a glass.

"Hey, Legolas, how about a drinking game?" asked Kili.

"Ha, I wouldn't try that," Legolas said. "You have no idea how much milk my stomach can hold."

"It's on!!" Kili said and downed his glass.

As everyone watched Kili and Legolas drink glass after glass of milk, they also ate the pancakes and marveled at how good they were (except Thranduil and Tauriel). Elrond eventually started eating them.

"Once you take several bites, your tongue gets used to the taste," he said.

"I think they are excellent," said Beorn, who was on his 38th pancake.

"Yes, you Dwarves are actually very good at cooking," Bilbo said (he was only on his 4th).

"Thank you, Bilbo. I think your food is pretty good too," Thorin answered. (That was only the second time he'd ever called Bilbo "Bilbo" in his life.)

"Hm," said Radagast. He lifted up his hat. Everyone hid their eyes and cringed with horror.

Radagast dug under a Rhosgobel rabbit and two sparrows and found a bottle.

"Look!! This is all-purpose forest sweetener! Perfect for forest-dwelling Elves," he said, handing the bottle to Thranduil.

Thranduil looked at it questioningly. He handed it to Tauriel and said, "You try it first. If you die, I'll unbanish you."

Tauriel stared at him blankly and then poured some of it onto her cold pancake. After the first bite, she devoured the rest in 0.7 seconds.

"I take it it's good?" Thranduil asked. He poured some onto his pancake and tasted it. Then he devoured the rest in 0.5 seconds.

They both had fifty pancakes each, and that was the end of the pancakes.

"Wait a second, I never had any!!" Legolas exclaimed.

"You still have your original one," Fili said, pointing.

"Oh yeah," Legolas said. "But I'm already pretty full on milk."

"Ha! Do you admit defeat??" Kili asked, who was obviously struggling to stay awake. (Not from alcohol, but from...too much liquid.)

"No!" Legolas cried and kept drinking milk. Eventually he stopped though and ate his pancake with the 'forest-sweetener' from Radagast.

"DARN, I WISH I HAD ANOTHER ONE!!" he yelled.

Then he collapsed with sleep. Unfortunately, Kili only had time to say "Game over" before he collapsed too.

"Ooh, looks like they tied," Radagast said.

"Well, everyone, that was pretty much the end of our par--I mean, dinner," Thorin announced. "Thanks for coming!"

"It was good!!" exclaimed Bard, clapping everybody on the back.

"Ow," said Bilbo.

Then everyone slowly but surely got up and fetched their coats and whatnot. Thranduil and Tauriel seemed extra-tired, having eaten fifty pancakes, but of course they had to tote Legolas out because he was sleeping.

Thorin and Fili stood at the doorway, waving to all their full guests.

"Bye!!" Fili called.

"Farewell!!" shouted Thorin.

Then he looked at Fili. "Why do you always have to use such casual language?" he asked sternly.

"Why do you always have to use such formal language?" asked Fili.

"Are you sassing me???" Thorin demanded.

"No, not at all!!" Fili replied hastily, and headed back into Erebor.

"Where are you going?!" asked Thorin.

"To...wake up Kili!!" Fili called.

Thorin shook his head. "Nephews."