SFX:  OCEAN SOUNDS AND DECK CREAKS. 

MARY: Up and at ‘em Jenks, I’m replacing you on watch. Here, some mulled grog. Tastes like hot pitch, but it’ll keep off the chill.

 JENKS: Much h’obliged Cap’n 

SIPS, THEN COUGHS, SPUTTERS.

JENKS: (coughing) You weren’t kidding. You sure h’it’s not ‘orse piss?

MARY: Well… maybe not horse. Can never be sure what Cookie puts in these grogs. (Pause) He’s brewing up something for a Christmas dinner tomorrow… I never pegged Cookie as sentimental.

JENKS: H’is it really Christmas tomorrow? (Chuckles) H’out on these waters h’it’s ‘ard to tell. I ‘ope ‘e it’s edible.

MARY: Don’t expect miracles, just hope you can keep it down.

JENKS: H’if me mum were h’on board she could make h’a meal fit for h’a king. She could make h’a feast h’out o’ just h’about h’anything. The ‘olidays were h’always my favorite. H’everyone h’around  h’a table o’ food h’and drink, h’a wench to kiss h’under the mistletoe… 

MARY: Well, if you’re homesick, feel free to jump over board and swim back home.

JENKS: H’oh, h’even h’if h’I wanted to, h’I couldn’t Cap’n.  She we’hent to ‘er maker h’a while h‘ago, bless ‘er ‘eart, h’and h’everyone h’else h’is scattered to the four winds now.

MARY: (small pause) I’m sorry. (quiet chuckle) An edible Christmas dinner sounded too good to be true anyway.

JENKS: (Pause) What h‘about you Cap’n? H’anything h‘about the ‘olidays to make you want to swim home?

MARY: (Sharply) No. 

JENKS/MARY: I’m sorry I didn’t mean…

JENKS: H’It wasn’t my business to h’ask Cap’n 

MARY: No, it wasn’t. (Pause) Anything worth swimming for is right here, on this ship.

JENKS: Cap’n…

SFX: SOUNDS OF WAVES ON THE BOAT

MARY: (Proud) Look at her, Jenks. Look at how she rides each swell, how she always seems to fly faster toward the open seas then to the ports.  With a good wind in her sails, my old girl could ride the waves right to the end of the world and back. To feel the wheel in my hands, to feel the deck pitch under my feet, endless horizon as far as the eye can see…Why would I ever want to return to land when there is so much out here? 

JENKS: Yes Cap’n, h’it does me ‘eart good to see The Conquest under full sail. She’s the best ship h’I could ask to serve on. (Pause) H’and you’re the best Cap’n I’ve ever served under.

MARY: (mildly) If you think compliments will get you an extra helping of rations, I’ll hang you from the yardarm, Jenks. I ain’t going soft any time soon.

JENKS: On my ‘onor Cap’n, h’it’s all truth. H’and the rest o’ the crew will say the same. You pulled h’us h’out of plenty o’ scraps when h’it would’ve been h’easier to leave us behind. Now you can threaten to ‘ang and whip h’us h’all you like, but h’I h’ain’t seen you lay h’a ‘and on one o’ h’us yet, h’and h’I don’t think you ever will.

MARY: Plenty of Cap’ns would’ve done the same. 

JENKS: No, never. H’I served under many Cap’ns before you found me h’in that French prison. H’I worked for navy h’officers and privateers, h’I’ve been whipped and starved h’and h’almost drowned by both h’and ‘ave the scars h’on my back to prove it. But you Cap’n… 

MARY: (Challenging) What, I’m soft? I don’t have the guts to spill some of yours to prove a point? To keep my men in line?

JENKS: (Placating) You won’t ever ‘ave to spill h’our guts to keep h’us in line Cap’n. That’s what h’I’m trying to say, we’ll follow you to the end o’ the earth, just give the word. 

MARY: (long pause) You’re a good man Jenks. How you ever settled for this sort of life is beyond me. 

JENKS: H’ I could say the same h’about you Cap’n. H’I won’t ask, since you’d thre’heaten to ‘ang me boots from the main mast, but someday…h’I ‘ope you’ll tell me. Good night …Cap’n.

SFX: BOOTS WALK AWAY, FADE AS OCEAN SOUNDS TAKE OVER. 

MUSIC STING 

JONESY: Ship ahoy!!!!!!!!!

MEN MUTTERING IN EXCITEMENT, ANTICIPATION

JENKS: H’all right you h’old gossips, we’re not going to reach h’it h’if you st’hand around h’idle. H’I want h’everyone back at their station h’or h’I get h’out the Cat-h’o-Nine! 

SOUNDS OF MEN MOVING

BAILEY: Should someone tell the Cap’n? 

SFX: WHISTLING KITE SOUND

JENKS: No, Bailey, lo’hooks think she ‘eard and went up to the crow’s nest to see for ‘erself. 

BAILEY: (Awed) By the blazes, I don’t know many who can sneak up any of the masts and swing up to the crows nest without getting’ noticed. Our Cap’n sure is something. 

JENKS: (Admiration) Yes Bailey, yes she h’is. 

BAILEY: (Knowingly) Yes…well, I’d best take my turn at the wheel. 

SFX: BOOTS LANDING ON THE DECK 

MARY: Give me your spyglass Bailey, I want to get a good at her.

BAILEY: Aye Cap’n. 

SFX: SPY GLASS CLICKS OPEN

MARY: Nice ship, good lines. Maybe we should tow her along instead of sinking her.

BAILEY: She’s listing to one side, Cap’n. Peacock could be right about her taking a shot. 

MARY:  And she’s moving like a drunken cow. She could have taken on water.

JENKS: H’I don’t think so, Cap’n. Look, she’s not tied h’off properly. The sails h’are too slack, and the riggings h’are h’a mess. 

MARY: Whoever is crewing this ship either has wood for brains-

JENKS: H’or h’is dead. H’I ‘aven’t seen h’any signs o’ life.

BAILEY: Let me see that glass. (Pause) I don’t…wait! I thought I saw movement in one of the windows. The crew might be hiding below deck.

JENKS: Then why leave ‘er h’in such a state? H’are they trying to look this bad h’on purpose?

MARY: There’s only one way to find out…Let’s go ask. Jenks, get the crew armed and ready. As soon as we’re close enough we’re going treasure hunting.

MUSIC STING

MARY: Steady Morris, bring her a little closer to this tub…

SFX: RUNNING FEET, 

 GASP AS SHE LEAPS, AND LANDS

MARY: There, that wasn’t too hard. Get a move on Jenks, the worst that happens in your feet get wet! 

SFX: JENKS LANDS ON DECK

JENKS: Still no sign o’ the crew, Cap’n? 

MARY: Do you see any crew, Jenks?

JENKS: …No Cap’n.

MARY: Then we can suppose there have been no signs of the crew.

TRENT: No one move!

MARY: Scratch that, one old man with a rusty pitchfork. 

TRENT: (Desperate) I said no one move! I’m armed.

MARY: So are we mister, think you can take on all of us by yourself?

PIRATES CHUCKLE 

TRENT: I don’t care! I’m not letting you get any closer.

MARY: Listen old man, we couldn’t care less about you. We just want whatever treasure you’ve got hidden in your hold. 

TRENT: Treasure? 

MARY: Sure! Gold, silver, jewels-we’re not picky. Just let us just rob you quietly and thoroughly and we’ll be on our way. 

TRENT: I don’t know what you’re talking about! 

MARY: (sigh) Well, I tried to be nice. 

SFX: DRAWS HER BLADE. 

JENKS: Cap’n wait.

MARY: Relax Jenks, he can still talk if he has one leg-can’t you, old man?

JENKS: Cap’n I think he’s telling the truth.

SFX: PATTER OF SMALL FEET  

A CHILD’S VOICE

SARAH: Daddy!

TRENT: Sarah! Get back in the hold!

SARAH: But it’s dark down there! I don’t like it!

JANET: Sarah? Get back here baby-Oh my God Trent, who-

TRENT: Janet! Get Sarah back in the hold, I’ll try to hold them off as long as I can!(Top)

MORRIS: Cap’n! You need to see this-

MARY: Not now Morris!

SARAH: No! I don’t want to! Daddy!

JANET: (panicking) Sarah, please, let go of Daddy’s leg-

MORRIS: Cap’n! You really-

MARY: I’m busy being scary Morris! Give me a second!

TRENT: Sarah, go with your mother-

MARY: Hold it!!!(TOP)

SFX: FIRES A SHOT

SILENCE FOLLOWS EXCEPT JANET’S QUIET SOBBING.

SFX: SHEATHES SWORD

MARY: Mister, we may be no good sea-robbers, but we aren’t murderers. Just give us the treasure and I promise my crew will not harm you or your family. 

TRENT: We don’t have any treasure!

JANET: (Sob) Please… there are children, families down there. We have nothing of value you could want.

MORRIS: CAP’N!!! 

MARY: Morris, shut up or so help me I will shoot you in the head! I am trying to show these people I am a big, friendly pirate! 

JENKS: Cap’n…

MARY: I know Jenks. Peacock conned us. He’ll pay for that. (Raises her voice) Hold The Conquest steady Morris, we’re coming back on board!!

TRENT: Thank you, thank you-

MARY: Stop blubbering, just be happy you’re too dirt poor to be worth my time. 

SFX: WHISTLING SOUND /CANNONBALL

JENKS: Mary get down! 

SFX: A LARGE CRASH

MUSIC STING 

OLD MARY: (VOICEOVER) It should be clarified, that while Captain Mary was…negotiating the ownership of the Falcon’s valuables another ship had appeared behind her and fired a canon ball at the unsuspecting Queen. Only the quick action of her trusty first mate saved her life, as the quick tackle to the ground sent the cannonball crashing through the railing, missing her completely. Unfortunately, the new ship was still armed to the teeth, and circling around for a better shot.  

MARY: Bailey, Jenks! Get all the families hidden in the hold, Morris, run up my flag. Get our firepower ready. I’m going to have a word with the Captain of that ship.

CREW: (Alternately) yes Cap’n aye, Cap’n, right away Cap’n.

MARY: You! Trent is it? 

TRENT: yes?

MARY: Keep everyone off the deck. No one comes up, unless they want to risk being blown to kingdom come.

TRENT: Yes-Yes I will.

MARY: (pause) Is there something else?

TRENT: I-uh…you-uh…went from robbing us to trying to save our lives. 

MARY: And? 

TRENT: You’re-well, you’re a very bad pirate, if you don’t mind me saying so.

MARY: Is that a fact.

TRENT: Yes. But you are an exceptional person, Captain. I don’t see how you ended up in this sort of life.

MARY: I get that a lot. Now get back to the hold before I change my mind and leave you to be blown apart by the canons.

SFX: BOOTS RUN OVER THE DECK 

MARY: Hey! You there! At the wheel! I want to talk to your Captain! Your Captain!

KRISTOFF: Vat is all this rrruckus? I thought I tell you to blow dem out of the waterrr.

 JENKS: Cap’n…that’s Nepo Kristoff

MARY: I am aware of that, now shush! (louder) Kristoff! You salty old Barnacle! What are you doing so far out in these waters? You usually loot and pillage the coasts this time of year! 

KRISTOFF: Harrr, Captain Marrrrry, you arrre rrrrrright. But a liddle birrrdie told me therrrrrrre vas a forrrtune out herrre, so I come to see forrrr myself. Vat about you? I hearrrd you had been hung in Spain. Vat a pity dey werrre wrrrong. 

MARY: It’s all a matter of opinion. Personally I think my neck is too pretty to be stretched out by the rope.

KRISTOFF: You vould think that. Modesty is virrrtue you do not haff.

MARY: When you look this good, why be coy? Now, no more flirting you old sponge. Would this little birdie happen to be a certain fancy pants Navy officer?

 KRISTOFF: Maybe. So vat?

MARY: So he led both of us on a wild goose chase, Kristoff. There’s nothing here but rats.

 KRISTOFF: Nothing? 

MARY: Not even a crumb for my crew to steal. And some of them were excited about finding a few extra tidbits for our Christmas dinner. 

KRISTOFF: (Pause) I do not believe you. You haff look of a cat with a mouse, Captain Marrry 

MARY: Does it matter? By order of the Pirate Charter and the decree of our law, I Captain Mary, Pirate Queen and superior to your good self, claim this ship as is my right.

KRISTOFF: (Sigh) So…Dats it den? You claim yourrrr rrright and I haff to sail off like dog wit his tail betveen hiss legs.

MARY: (Sweetly) Well, you can oppose it, but I really wouldn’t if I were you.

KRISTOFF: And vy not? Who is to keep me from firrring and becoming new King? 

MARY: The fact that while I was stalling you, my crew had time to load our canons. Jenks! Hit the deck!

 SFX: MULTIPLE CANONS BOOM