Chapter 40 I Love College

Payton

"Bye Dad," I say as I climb out of his Volvo and open the back door to get my bag.

"Safe flight Payton," he says, "call your mother when you land, let her know you got back safely."

"I will."

"And think about what we talked about last night," he adds.

"Dad, I'm not changing my major," I grind out and slam the door before walking into the airport. He had the nerve, no, the ignorance to tell me that I wouldn't get hired as a physical therapist for professional athletes, which is what I want to do, if they realize I'm gay, so I should either change my major or keep it a secret...or both. Thanks for the support Dad! It's his passive aggressive way of basically saying he doesn't accept anything about me. Whatever, I only care about what people I respect think of me, I just can't worry about everyone or I'd go nuts. Ugh.

I swear, I was going to pop a gasket if I had to stay one more day at that house. It wasn't nearly this bad when I was living at home, mostly  my brother was away and my Dad pretty much ignored me. He was either at work or downing cocktails with his cronies at his golf club. This time it was like they saved it up and hit me with it to make up for lost time as well as for the next several months. Mom isn't as bad, but she certainly doesn't stand up to Dad.

Deep breaths Payton, deep breaths and let it go, I say to myself, stopping just inside the terminal and inhaling slowly.

I'm like 3 hours early for my flight, but my dad thought it was a different time and I wasn't about to correct him if it got me out of there sooner. I look for United Airlines and go over to check in. Once I get to the agent I hand her my itinerary and I.D.

"Okay, unfortunately your flight is going to be delayed. The plane is originating in Cleveland, but is grounded pending a mechanical issue."

Great.

"But I might be able to get you on an earlier flight since you're so early."

"That would be great," I tell her, since I don't really want to get on a plane with mechanical issues anyway. She starts clicking away at her keyboard. Literally for like 5 minutes and thousands and thousands of clicks and clacks.

"Will you be checking any luggage?"

"Nope." I hold up my knapsack, "This is all I have."

"Great, there's a plane leaving in 20 minutes. I'll call ahead and let the gate know you're coming, you'll just have to hurry through security."

She clicks and clacks a few dozen more times before handing me a boarding pass and pointing me in the right direction. Twenty minutes? Has she been through security. I run towards the entrance and get in line, hopping on the balls of my feet as I wait, full of nervous energy. This is exactly why I like to get to the airport early, to avoid stressful situations like this.

When I get to the lady at the desk checking I.D.s and boarding passes, I tell her that my flight leaves in 20 minutes and she's nice enough to send me to the shortest line which is only for airline personnel, passengers in wheelchairs who are being brought through by airline personnel, and VIPs. Wow, I'm a VIP! I swagger up to the short security line, pretending in my head that I'm a celebrity...a rock star! and hand the guard my boarding pass and ID while taking off my shoes and throwing all my stuff through the X-ray machine. I'm through in five minutes and I hustle down to my gate, successfully avoiding any paparazzi or groupies. That's a relief!

My plane is already boarding and I get in line, then I remember that I need to text Tommy so I quickly tell him my new flight information and not to worry if he can't get there early, I'll just wait. I don't get a reply, but I realize he's in class, so once I'm on the plane and seated I put my phone on airplane mode and close my eyes. I can't wait to get back to Chicago. My celebrity status aside, I'm so mentally and emotionally drained I feel like an empty shell. Two more days at my parent's house and I'm sure I'd be in a pine box next to old Aunt Adele!

Two and a half hours later I walk off the plane in a daze since I'm pretty sure I dozed for most of the plane ride. I turn on my phone again and check for a text from Tommy. There's no text so I send him another one that I landed, but he doesn't have to rush, he can get there whenever. Beggars can't be choosers, right?  I walk outside onto the arrivals level of the terminal and cross the first pickup lane that's for taxi's and limos only. The next lane is for normal people who are picking up other somewhat normal people and there's a little area with benches. I text Tommy again that I'm at area D42 so he'll know exactly where to find me.

I sit for a while and just vegge and people-watch. I love to watch people and try to figure them out from afar, or just make shit up. When I'm with Tommy we do this and make up complex back stories and scenarios, but after a while I get bored of it and pull out my phone to read for a while. There's a new story that I want to read by my favorite author, but I haven't had the time to start it yet. I bring up my library looking through all the books...S-s-s-s-s, there it is! Woot! About sexy brothers Cortez and Callum! I love the name Callum! Hmmm...I wouldn't mind sharing those brothers! I look around before sitting back and bringing my feet up on the wide bench so my knees are in front of my chest. Pretty soon I am lost in the book, oblivious to the world around me.

Tai

"So what are we going to do?"

"What are we going to do about what?" Chris says and I grit my teeth. And here I stopped and got sandwiches and brought them to his work because he's too busy on some project to meet me anywhere, the least he could do is spare me 2 minutes of his attention!

"About Ashton," I say calmly, but I can feel a light sweat break out on my forehead. I love Chris, we go way back, but sometimes he's so frustrating. I almost think he does this to me on purpose. I glare when I see the side of his mouth tug up slightly.

"Ashton's fine. I called him and he said he's fine. So he's fine."

Chris is working away with 5 screens in front of him and wires everywhere. I have no clue how he knows all this technical stuff, I mean, I never really thought of him as that smart.

"Do you know what you're doing?" I ask.

He looks up and rolls his eyes at me. I shrug my shoulders, that's fair.

"Okay...Chris," I say, getting back to my original point, "he says he's fine, but the love of his life just broke up with him, he's a mess! He's not talking much to anyone, Tommy says he's been avoiding him on campus and...he's just not himself!"

"Hey, I know he really liked Gideon, but I don't think he's the love of his life," Chris replies and he looks deep in thought for a minute. "He was his Dom, a mighty fine one, but they had a 3 month contract, Ashton was fully aware of what the agreement was and wasn't. The guy was always getting called away or stuck at the hospital anyway, Ash should find someone that's more reliable."

"Chris...you're so..."

"What?" He glances over at me before looking back at one of the screens which is full of code or whatever...a bunch of nonsense that Chris stares at for a few seconds before typing away on his keyboard.

"Just forget it," I sigh.

"So how are you and the rope guy?" Chris asks offhandedly.

"Master Ken...and we're good. Really good. I think." I sigh heavily and sit down in the spare desk chair.

Chris sits back and spins around to face me. "You think?"

"Sooooo...we had this really good scene the other night, I mean, I'd been gone a week so it was like a reunion of sorts," I say with a smile, remembering Master Ken was amazing...and I was flying so high in subspace...I wasn't thinking straight."

"That's kind of the point of subspace, to not think at all," he says.

"Yeah," I chuckle humorlessly, "but I said something I shouldn't have, or I think I did...I'm not even sure Chris. It might have just been in my head, or I could have said it out loud...I was kind of out of it."

"Okay, okay Tai, so you don't know if you said it or not, what was 'it' anyway? Spill."

"I...I think I told him I loved him," I whisper.

"Oh. Wow. Do you love him?"

"I don't know...maybe. I think? I'm not sure. I love being with him. I love when he touches me...he's so amazing, he's sexy as all get out...I...I...I..." I do not stutter!

"Wow, Tai." Chris smiles and shakes his head. "So what's the problem?"

"It's been weird ever since. Well, you know, I'm not even sure what I said, but when I came out of subspace later on, he was all stiff and formal...and distant. And then he drove me home and it's been two days and I haven't heard from him. Jesus Chris, what if I screwed it all up?"

"Do you usually hear from him every day?"

"Well...no, he usually tells me when he'll call me or we just make plans when to see each other again. But when he dropped me off he was so quiet and I didn't know what to do so I just got out of the car and...and that was it."

"Hmm..."

"What?"

Chris looks away, his brows furrowing. I wait quietly. Which is pretty damn hard for me. His eyes furrow even more and I open my mouth to ask...but close it. Let him think. He'll know what I should do.

"Oh my god!"

"What. Chris. What?"

He spins in his chair back to his screens and keyboard and starts typing away madly, a big grin on his face.

What the????

"Chris, what?!"

"Hang on..."

I let out a deep sigh.

"Okay," he says and sits back triumphantly.

"So?" I ask.

"Huh? Oh. I figured out how to replicate the message on multiples screens using flash technology and sending the signals through a...."

"Jesus Ann Christmas! I thought you were going to give me advice!"

"Oh. That. Well, next time you see him, just tell him that whatever you said last time to disregard because you were high as a kite from the great sex you had and you didn't really mean it."

"That..." I let out a deep groan, dropping my face in my hands. "That's your advice?"

Ashton

"Party at my place!" some guy shouts making me look up from my food.

"Hey, where at?" I ask and he looks over before smiling.

"Here's the address, come by and bring all the friends you want!" he says while scribbling the address down on a piece of paper and handing it to me.

"Thanks, what time?" I question and after telling me 7, he heads off towards a group of girls sitting at another table.

"You, at a party? Willingly?" another someone asks making me look up to see James smiling down at me.

"Yeah, I don't have any other plans." I shrug while looking back down.

"Can I sit?" he asks making me nod.

James is in my animal science class, he's a cool guy. Knows his stuff and loves animals almost as much as I do. He's a total jock though. Captain of the baseball team and in that 'jock' group of friends. I've never really talked to him much because we obviously don't run in the same circles. That being said, he's hot in that boy next door way. Blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, dimpled smile and lean muscles. I don't know if he's straight or whatever though because I've never really paid attention.

"Well, I'm planning to go to the party too. Do you want to go together?" he asks with that dimpled smile and I nod.

"Yeah, that'd be cool," I agree as he sighs.

"I understand, I knew you'd say no, but I thou...wait what? Yes?" he mumbles with surprise all over his face.

"Mhm." I nod as he scratches his head with a chuckle.

"Wow, well um damn. That was easier than I thought. I had all these cheesy pickup lines to throw at you." He smirks making me raise a brow.

"You're trying to pick me up?" I ask and watch as his eyes widen again and a blush stains his pale cheeks.

"Not if you don't want me to," he counters and a smile tugs at the corners of my lips.

"I don't mind, as long as you take me out first," I reply making him beam.

"Yeah! Um, I can pick you up at 6. We'll grab something to eat then head to the party. Does that sound good?" He asks nervously and I motion for him to give me his hand. He does so and I take out the pen I always keep in my pocket before writing my cell number, dorm number and building.

"Six sounds good, this is my cell phone and dorm number. I'll be ready so try not to keep me waiting too long." I smirk while standing up and he quickly stands as well.

"Oh I won't, don't worry." He beams as I pick up the trash from my lunch before nodding.

"Good, see you later," I mumble before walking away.

When I get back to my dorm room, I drop onto my bed face first with a sigh. That was interesting and unsettling. So James is at least bisexual if he was trying to 'pick me up'. I wonder what made him come up to me. We see each other a lot but he chose today to approach me. Maybe it was for the party like he said. Ugh, I'm overthinking things. Rolling onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling silently while rubbing my hand up and down my torso. My phone suddenly starts vibrating making me groan as I take it out of my pocket and answer without even checking the ID.

"Hello?" I answer blankly.

"I was just checking to see if you gave me a fake number," James mumbles making me roll my eyes as I smirk.

"Are you standing outside my room too?" I ask sarcastically and frown when I hear something bang outside.

"No! Of course not," he chuckles as I raise a brow.

"So that wasn't you making a ruckus out in the hall?" I question knowingly.

"I'll see you at 6!" He replies cheerfully before hanging up.

"That was odd," I mumble to myself before checking the time, almost 4 o'clock.

I have an hour to kill before I need to start getting ready for this dinner...date? Oh God, does he think this is a date? Is it a date? Not to me, he's just feeding me before driving us to a party. Whatever, let's just call it a date for now if it gets me free food. I spend the whole hour just lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I don't think of him or his mesmerizing hazel eyes or his toned body or his deep laugh and voice or soft hair or his large hands...Nope, I'm over him. Completely over his stupid asshole...sexy, large self. Damn it! Shaking my head, I get out of bed and grab my shower bag and towel before heading down to the large bathroom down the hall.

Thankfully it's not too packed so I get a shower after about 10 minutes of waiting. I don't waste much time and wash up quickly. Turning off the tap, I wrap my towel around my waist after packing all my things back into the bag. Pulling the shower curtain back, I step out and make my way back to my dorm room. Locking the door behind me, I put my bag into the closet and run the towel through my wet hair as I look through my clothes. I don't really care what I wear so I pull on boxer briefs before tugging on some faded blue jeans and grabbing a white t-shirt.

I put on deodorant before pulling the shirt on and tug on socks then step into my boots. Stepping into the tiny restroom in the room that only has a small sink and toilet, I tidy my appearance. My hair's still damp so I just push it back with my hands and thankfully it stays in place. Running my hand over my jaw, I don't even think of shaving my stubble. I'm way too lazy to even attempt to shave at the moment. Leaning forward, I widen my eyes and sigh as they dilate slightly. I wonder what time it is, I think just as a knock sounds at the door. Stepping out of the bathroom I walk over to the door and open it.

"Hey," James greets with a smile and I nod.

"Hey, let me just grab my wallet and phone," I say making him nod quickly.

I turn and walk back to my nightstand before grabbing my wallet and phone. Stuffing both in my pocket along with my keys, I grab my leather jacket before shrugging it on. When I turn around James hasn't stepped in the room making me raise a brow. Usually, the guy would walk in like he lived here. I walk over and he steps back letting me get out of the room. I lock the door to the dorm and look over at James who smiles happily before licking his lips.

"After you," he says while motioning me to go first.

"If you wanted to look at my ass you could have just asked," I scoff making him blush as I start walking down the hall.

"Actually, I already looked at your ass as you walked away earlier. It's nice, looks plump," he comments while walking next to me.

"Where are we going?" I ask to change the subject.

"A little restaurant that I love, it's really good, and German. Do you like German food?" He asks worriedly and I nod.

"I love food, plain and simple." I shrug making him laugh and I look over to see his deep dimples have made an appearance.

"Well that's good, at least you're not picky." He smiles down at me and I nod.

When we get to the parking lot, James leads me over to a black Acura before opening the passenger door. I climb in after mumbling a quick thank you. The drive to the restaurant is quiet but I don't really mind. I gaze out the window and listen to James singing along to the radio softly. He has a great voice but I don't really care enough compliment it. The car slows to a stop about 10 minutes later and I look up to see us parked in front of an antique shop. A frown tugs at my lips as I look over at James.

"This is the closest parking I'll be able to get. The restaurant is down the street," he explains making me nod. "Wait! I want to open your door!" he says as I reach for the door handle.

I sigh and watch as he gets out and closes his door before rushing around the front of his car. He opens the door for me and bows dramatically while holding his hand out. An amused grin threatens to pull at my lips as I humor him by grabbing his hand and climbing out of the car. Before I can pull my hand free he tangles our fingers together and gives my hand a gentle squeeze while closing my door. I look at him with a raised brow but he just beams before locking his car and pulling me down the street. When we get to the small restaurant, we get a table quickly since he made reservations and we sit at a table near the back corner. After ordering our drinks the host leaves with a nod.

"Your hands are really soft," he says while tracing his fingertip over my palm.

"Yours aren't," I reply and he looks up at me with a smirk.

"Yeah, I work with my hands a lot and being the star pitcher of the team takes a toll on them." He shrugs while sitting back.

"So, you're a pitcher huh," I comment making him nod and he starts talking about playing since he was in fifth grade not even realizing I was talking sexual.

The dinner wasn't as horribly annoying as I thought it'd be. James is actually really funny and even though I didn't laugh at his stupid jokes, I could tell he knew I was amused which caused a smug grin to be on his face the whole time. He doesn't ask much once he realized I was giving him vague ass answers and I get the feeling he enjoys talking about himself since he didn't seem to mind my evasive tactics. I was more focused on the giant plate of Jagerschnitzel in front of me. I never tried German food before, I have to come back and try more.

"Liked it huh?" He chuckles when I sit back with a sigh.

"Yeah, that was great," I state while burping after covering my mouth. "Excuse me."

"You're all good, but I'll let my aunt know you liked it," he says and I nod before freezing.

"Your aunt works here?" I ask even though she obviously does because he just said it basically.

"Yeah this is a family restaurant, my uncle and aunt own it," he explains while we stand up.

"That's cool," I mumble as he leads me back outside. "Don't you have to pay?"

"Nah, I eat for free and since you're with me your food is covered." He shrugs making me nod.

By the time we get to the house where the party is being held, my food is settled and I don't feel like I'm going to go into a food coma. I don't even remember who is throwing this party even though I'm sure I have class with the guy. James and I climb out once he finds a parking spot and since it's not too late, barely passed 7:45, we don't have to park too far. I stick my hands in my pockets as we walk across the lush green grass of the lawn before walking into the house that seems to be vibrating with how loud the music is blasting. My eyes drift around as I hide my grimace, this is not my scene. Oh god this is worse than the club, I think as I push through the crowd of grinding bodies in the...living room, I guess. 

Feeling a hand wrap around my elbow, I look back and see James behind me. He takes the lead and pushes his way through the crowd with ease. That's good because I have no idea where the kitchen is and that's what I was looking for. He seems to have the same plan as me and soon we're in the still packed kitchen. I not so gently pull my arm from his hold and make my way towards the fridge. Not surprisingly, it's packed with alcoholic beverages and although I'm not 21 yet I grab a beer. It's college, you're supposed to get wasted at college parties right? I don't plan to get wasted but a single beer won't kill me. Lane has given me stronger stuff at The Backdoor, and down in Florida, we drank a lot of rum drinks - which reminds me of the tattoo, maybe a reason not to drink anymore, but I push that thought out of the way.

"Ashton, you shouldn't be drinking," James says with a frown and I raise a brow. Only one person gets to tell me what to do...okay three, but only one who's not related to me.

"What are you, my father? It's a beer James and I turn twenty-one in a few months. I'll be fine," I scoff before popping the cap and taking a swig. 

He doesn't comment, but I can tell he's not happy about it. I notice he grabs a soda and I remember he's driving so obviously he can't drink. He grabs my hand with a smile before pulling me down to the basement where we find people playing beer pong, people smoking weed by the smell, kegs...wow this is what I was missing? I look around the room as James continues pulling me along by the hand. We stop next to one of the beer pong tables and everyone shouts James' last name before doing some weird handshake.

"Guys, this is Ashton. Ashton, these are some of my good friends. Barnes, Simnick and Miller," he states while pointing at each guy.

"Hey." I nod and they all smirk.

"Finally grew some balls and asked him out huh Ackerman," Barnes snickers while nudging a chuckling Simnick, I'm guessing they go by last names.

"Shut up!" James hisses and I raise a brow as he looks at me with a smile. "Ignore them, the beers gone to their heads."

"We're not drinking yet dumbass," Miller scoffs before looking at me. "You play?"

"Yeah." I nod with a shrug and they all cheer.

"Now it's even numbers since Jamie here doesn't drink," Simnick says making me look at James.

"I'm allergic to alcohol," he mumbles causing my brows to shoot up.

"Oh that sucks," I mutter but he just shrugs.

"Sometimes, but I don't really mind." He smiles down at me and my eyes snap down to his mouth as he bites his bottom lip.

"Ashton, come on we're up! You're with Simnick and Barnes is with me," Miller shouts over the music.

I walk closer to the table, Simnick motions for me to go first. I've never played this with alcohol before, but I don't really care if I mess up. Taking a swig of my beer, I stare down Barnes as we both toss the balls through the air. Simnick playfully punches my shoulder as Miller groans. I look down to see that Barnes missed and quickly grab the ping pong ball before it rolls off the table. Since I made it, I take the first try. I toss the ball again and it goes into a cup that Barnes grabs before chugging quickly. The game goes back and forth quickly and I've finished my beer along with three cups of what I'm sure is not just beer because it's way stronger. The room has filled up more though, so maybe it's been longer than I think.

"Yes bitch, suck my dick and drink that shit!" I laugh as I get the ball into the last cup and I take a hit of the blunt that gets passed to me.

"Fuck Ashton, drop your pants then!" Barnes shouts back before chugging the cup.

"Oh shit, oh fucking shit!" I gasp, making them all look at me.

"What?!" Miller slurs while I beam at him.

"This is my motherfucking song!" I scream before climbing onto the pool table with Barnes.

"That party last night was awfully crazy, I wish we taped it! I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked! Drink my beer and smoke my weed, but my good friends is all I need!" I sing along while draping my arm over his shoulder as he dances along with me.

"Pass out at 3, wake up at 10 go out to eat then do it again. Man I love college!" I scream.

"AY!" They all scream back.

"I love drinking," I sing.

"AY!" They repeat making me laugh.

"I love women!" I cackle while shaking my head. "No I don't, I love dick!"

"Okay, that's enough. Ashton, let's get you some fresh air," James says and I look down to see him frowning before he pulls me off the table.

"You didn't tell me you had a twin," I giggle while pointing at the other one.

"I don't, you're drunk," he grumbles while pulling me away.

"Ashton come back! YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME!" Barnes sings before falling off the table and onto Miller making me laugh as I stumble behind James.

I hiccup as I trip over my own feet but don't hit the ground. Suddenly cool air hits me and I take in a deep breath. Blinking quickly I look around to see we're in a yard. Everything starts tilting and I hear a curse before arms wrap around my waist. Looking up, I see James and his twin looking down at me. Hmm, double penetration at its finest. I press my lips to one of theirs and I'm suddenly on my back with a groan. The grass is cool and I run my hands over the soft blades slowly. So soft and comfy. Opening my eyes, I see that James and his twin are gone. Ugh rude!

"Are you okay?" someone asks as I struggle to get back to my feet.

"I'm," hiccup. "Good."

"You sure? Do you need a hand?" they ask and I feel a soft hand on my arm.

"Wow, you're hot," I slur as I stare into bright green eyes and the pale cheeks turn pink.

"Thanks, um come on let's get you some water," they chuckle and I follow clumsily before everything starts tilting again.

"Hey, what's your name?" I ask while draping my arm over their shoulder.

"I'm Charlie, you?" They ask while looking up at me and I smile while leaning down.

"I'm Ashton," I whisper the secret before frowning. "Just don't bite my finger!" I say before bursting out laughing and Charlie groans.

"Jesus," he huffs as I stop walking. "Hey what are you doing?"

"I don't feel so good," I mumble before my eyes roll back and everything goes black.

A groan escapes me as I turn my head. Hearing a snore, I force my eyes open and fucking hell that was a mistake. I quickly slam them shut again when the sun attacks my over-sensitive eyes. My head pounds and my mouth tastes horrible. What the hell? Slowly opening my eyes, I notice the weight on my back making me frown. I look back and see some guy laying on top of me. Hearing another snore, I look over and see another guy lying next to me. Who the fuck are these guys? I shift and a sharp pain slices through my ass and lower back making me groan.

"Shh, babe five more minutes," someone mutters and I groan again.

"Get the fuck off me," I huff and push him off making him land on the other guy.

"What?!" they both jump as I sit up with a hiss.

"Who are you guys?" I ask while rubbing my lower back as I stand up.

"I'm Miller," the one that was laying on me yawns. "This is Barnes."

"Where the fuck are my clothes?" I grumble to myself.

"Oh shit, Ashton?!" Barnes gasps and I look over to see them both looking at me like they've seen a ghost.

"What?" I mutter with a frown.

"Oh God, James is going to kill us," Miller whispers and my brows furrow before my brows shoot up.

"I remember you now, you're his friends. Great, are my pants on that side?" I ask while picking up my briefs.

"Are you not worried?" Barnes asks while tossing me my jeans.

"No, it's not like we are or were ever going to date. It was one dinner and a party." I shrug while pulling my pants on and I hiss as pain slices through my back. "Fuck, whichever one of you fucked me last night...call me."

"Well, um we both did." Miller blushes while looking at Barnes. "At the same time."

"Seriously?" I ask, my first double penetration and I don't even remember it. Damn.

"Yeah." Barnes nods making me sigh.

"Whatever." I yawn and finish getting dressed before frowning. "I don't see any condom wrappers," I say while looking around the floor and in the trash.

"What?!" Miller screams and I hiss while clutching my head.

"It's too early to be yelling like that," I grumble while glaring at him.

"We had to have used condoms! I always use a condom." He panics while looking around the floor as I grab my wallet on the floor and the condom is still in there.

"I have to get going, I'm meeting some friends for breakfast," I say before nodding at them and heading towards the door.

"Wait Ashton! Are you not worried about us having unprotected sex?" Barnes asks worriedly making me shrug as I look at them over my shoulder.

"I'm clean, I'd hope you two are and even if you say you are I'm going to get tested. No point in stressing until those results come back. Bye," I mumble before leaving the room and walking down the hall.

I walk the best I can without a limp as my eyes water and I force myself not to break down in this strange house. Get back to the dorm, get back to my safe place then I can break down. Never let anyone see you weak, never let anyone see you cry. I repeat this in my head and quickly wipe away the few tears that spill from my eyes as I go down the steps as quickly and quietly as I can before slipping out of the house while glancing at all the people passed out throughout the living room.