Loneliness climbs the stairs
O' my heart.
Slowly ascending it's way into the
Chambers of my dimly lit room.
The candle of hope ever burning,
The tower of confidence not bending.
But somewhere along the lines,
In the whirlpool of this chaos,
Loneliness has found its way to me.
Presenting itself as a child of dark
It waits on the door of my heart.
It knows it's not welcome here.
However that doesnt stop it from
Pursuing interest.
Of growing a tree of her fruits
In my chambers
Even if I do not allow.

Fear looms over my head like
A grey cloud gathering its sky.
Waiting to rain.
Rain & turn the green grass gray.
The uncertainty forming a
Necklace covering my neck,
My passage, making me anxious.
Trapping me in its bubbles.
Fear, uncertainty, anxiety, aloneness
Dance around me.
Changing hues, forms, trying to make
Me afraid.
Their tactics dont work,
However they leave some mark
Behind on my walls.
An imprint.
Inprint of their hues on these walls.

At the mercy of their mighty feet,
It's true, once you've power you've
Everything.
When you leave, you're dead.
I walk from place to place,
A nomad wandering around
Knocking on doors with hope of
A refuge.
Of a home.
It tires me out keeping a strong
Exterior every single breath o' the day.
Where do I go?
Who do I turn to?
Who do I speak to?
How can I be full of strength
Throughout the ticks on the clock.
Where do I go in my moment of
Weakness?
No one is around when the clouds are
Dark & ravens are guarding the
City of death.
The missing presence haunts the
Corridors of my mind;
Of the doors of my memories.
The missing presence haunts the
House of my soul.
The missing presence;
The sign is ever present of not
Having him nearby.
Of not having him around, next to me
Right when I need him.
I miss him.
I miss my father.
The sunray of my life, my joy, left me
Too soon.
Too early I lost him at the tender age of
17.
5 years of togetherness before I lost
What meant most to my soul.
I lost the apple of my eye,
No longer in human realm.
Now a inhabitant of astral realm,
Not a hour of night passes by when
I do not feel it.

His brown eyes cloud my mind.
Every memory of us a picture
Framed in my mind.
A gallery of art, of him, curtains
My being.
I catch reflections of him in my
Facial features.
I catch reflections of his nature in me.
Only thing I dont catch is him.
Knowing that I'll never be able to
Touch his skin, hold his fingers,
Fills me with sorrow so deep it
Drowns me in an abyss of
Thunderstorm.

I cannot hide what I feel.
I miss him,
My soul howls in pain when I relive
The night of 17th Nov, 2020.
Not being with him in his final moment,
Not saying goodbye.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I'm not filled with guilt or regret.
For I served him, gave back.
Took care of him on my own in his
Vulnerability and that fills me.
I hold the torch, awaiting what's next.
I must go forward.
Weakness & strength go hand in
Hand.
Grief & sorrow is important to let go
And move forward.
One cannot move ahead without
The other.
They're incomplete without
Each other.
One must go through grief to
Experience joy.
One must experience all to move
Ahead in this epiphany we call
Life.
Tragedies strike everyone.
They visit everyone,
What we make of it and of
Ourselves depends solely on
Us.

Written on 5.12.20.

-Ridhima Joshi