04/09/22

 It was the staff member from earlier holding the green bag. When I stood and she handed it to me I noticed the white wrapping paper that'd been placed on top to keep the gift a surprise was gone because she'd opened it.

"Thank you," I said as she turned to Jungkook, this time handing over two handfuls of bags hanging off her forearms and fingers.

The gifts were always so thoughtful, but we had a whole corner in the dorm dedicated to fan gifts and it was becoming a mess. It seemed every gift lost a sliver of its value as another one came because there were too many to adequately appreciate.

I peeked inside the paper bag before pulling out what looked like a stuffed sock with a hair tie enclosing the top. At my weird look, Jungkook smiled, "I've gotten one of those before. It's not really that creepy when you get one tho-"

"Why not me? I don't get it."

My brother sat up in his seat and motioned towards the item. "Put it up to your nose, it smells good."

I did as he recommended it and a strong lavender smell wafted up my airways, immediately making my nose scrunch up and my head jerk back. "Phew, that smells good, but it's strong!"

He chuckled a bit, watching me slowly struggle. I coughed a few times, wondering why the smell was still lingering when Jungkook took the gift back to sniff for himself. He eyed me suspiciously before raising an eyebrow. "You okay?"

Water collected in my eyes and I took in one huge breath to try and cough it out- something felt stuck in my throat. But as I inhaled, I only seemed to choke on the air.

"Hey," Jungkook's hand reached for my forearm. "Hey, are you okay? Do you need water?"

Through another few coughs I nodded and he started searching frantically around him for a water bottle. When he didn't find one on the couch, he told me to wait a second and he went on to find one.

I wondered if suppressing the cough would help so I sat there and let my eyes water a bit more before finding it useless. I was running out of breath and it kept getting harder to breathe.

"Here, here, hey, hey." He uncrewed the cap in a split second and put it up to my mouth. I took a few gulps and the sting of the coughing went away, but I was lightheaded again. Why had that feeling become so familiar to me?

My breathing wasn't as heavy but my heart was pounding because of the sudden nervousness and urgency I felt.

I realized my vision had started to burn again around the edges but it was going away. I felt I would have fainted if I'd been standing.

Jungkook was still staring at me. "Thanks, I'm fine JK." The water ran down my throat and the bottle crinkled as I continued to empty its contents.

"You don't look so fine."

I swallowed, hard. It was scratchy.

"You look really pale."

I felt pale. I felt half weightless. I didn't feel alright.

"It'll pass, Kook. Sorry." I half chuckled at the dramatic scene.

He exhaled a breath. "I'm tired of this."

I looked up at him and took a moment before responding. "I'm sorry? I mean- you mean because it keeps happen-"

"Yeah. But I'm not... I'm not tired of you, I'm tired of this happening to you." He stood. "So we've gotta figure out how to make it stop."

"No Jungkook, it was just because the smell was a little strong. Where are you going?"

He shook his head. "There's something wrong with you. I know it when I see it in my sister's eyes."

-----

"We don't have the materials to test right now, but just make sure the item is properly disposed of." The doctor grabbed a bottle of hand sanitizer and rubbed a squart into his hands before taking off the gloves he'd used to examine my face with. "There's a lot of possibilities. Bromobenzyl cyanide, chloroacetophenone, chloropicrin, phosgene, all irritants or gasses which can damage the eyes, lungs, or other body parts and are disguised by their sweet or non-abnormal smells. It was easy for a fan to use that as a way to get in."

The boys were all standing in their own places of the examination we'd found at the venue. They were going to be on stage within the hour, yet they all insisted on being here to hear what our medical staff- the closest thing to a doctor we had here- had to say. He'd inspected me, the boys watching me like a bug as he did so with no positive conclusion. Sejin was standing to my right as well. Going left to right, standing was Taehyung, Jungkook, Yoongi, Namjoon, Jimin, Jin, and then Hoseok. Arms were crossed over chests, hands were clasped together or resting on a hip, and faces were intense. We were all worried about what my constant health faults might have a part to play in concerning the grand tour we were currently embarked in.

I thought about the fan that had handed me the gift. Why had they even been at the concert meet and greet if they just wanted to harm me?

On the other hand, if they loved BTS to an obsessive point, I'd be the one person in their way.

It disappointed me. She'd seemed so kind like many of the other ARMY I'd met. And how many fans that I had, or would meet had the same thoughts of potential harm?

"Well that's another thing to add to the list for staff to check before letting us have the fan gifts," Namjoon sighed. "Sujin, what if this is what's been affecting you recently? This would explain you passing out these last few weeks. The headaches, fatigue, lightheadedness, everything."

"What... exactly being the cause?" Hoseok asked to clarify.

"Potential fan harm. The gifts. Sujin's symptoms started racking up when we started traveling. Don't you think it could be because now we're traveling, meeting all these new and international fans and there's a lot more room to meet some of the... not so mature ones?" Namjoon explained.

"Tour would explain it too," Taehyung said, "I don't think we need to think too technical about this. It was one fan so far and we've learned our lesson. Sujin, you need to think about whether you think this is something that's been used against you before."

"Not really that I know of," I said. "I've just felt weird lately, is all."

"That could be from a lot of different things," said Jungkook.

"You're right," the doctor agreed, "so we need to keep tabs on her. Any time you feel something is off, write it down. Boys, Mr. Sejin, keep an eye on what's going on and happening. Note anything out of the ordinary." Around the room was a head full of nods. "In the meantime, get some rest, take it slow, and preferably stay away from fans. We don't know what more could come."

"It's a good warning sign," said Yoongi. "Thank you, doctor."

The medical staff gathered his things and left, leaving us all standing in the room in silence. I glanced around at the eyes of my brothers and uncle.

"I'm sorry, but really... you don't have to worry about me so much." I looked at the door frame where the medical staff had just left. "I'm sure they'll figure it out."

Yoongi was standing with his chin on his fingers and his arm propped up by the other. "I'm sure they will soon. They have to. The company is pretty good at figuring these kinds of things out, trust me. We've all been there at some point."

Namjoon shifted his weight to his other foot. "We'll get other people on it if we have to-"

"It's not that serious," I said. "I'm sure. I feel fine most of the time."
Which was a partial lie. I always felt lower than usual energy, but that was expected when on tour, right?

The hand on Yoongi's chin fell to his side and he headed towards the door. "Get some rest, Sujin. Guys, we need to finish getting ready."

"Not until we know Sujin's alright," Jimin said, his lips still parted from the sentence as if he wanted to say more.

"No worries," I assured him. "You need to get ready for the stage. I'll hang out backstage."

"It's not too loud out there?" asked Jungkook. I shook my head no.

"I enjoy hearing the crowd rush."

Namjoon nodded to himself before motioning his hand to the door. "Boys." He led them out and I followed behind.

--------

The members had decided earlier that they were going to do Baepsae, Dope, and Save Me for their soundcheck. Before that, we had our own rehearsal. As we all moved onto the stage I was thrown in awe. There were staff working on the seating and venue as well as speakers, lights, cameras, tech, and much more. But the first item on the boys' agenda was solo rehearsal.

The idea had been proposed that each member should do their solo song and ask the others for input. So we were lined up against the side of the stage as we got ready to watch and critique the others. Going in order of the tour setlist, Jungkook went first. Namjoon stood, his arms crossed over his chest next to Jimin with Yoongi, Jin and Taehyung standing behind Hoseok and I who were sitting on the floor.

As the music started, Jungkook took his position on a rolling stage that took him around in a circle. I imagined the suit he'd be wearing, the one with glitter ombreing and fading as it reached for his shoulders. His black leather shoes, stiff and light for his quick feetwork, and the white shirt accenting his face that would soon be glossy with sweat. The black dress pants, perfectly ironed and showcasing the stripe of glitter reaching the entire length on the side of his thighs.

He stood still, closing his eyes as he sang the familiar notes of Begin. With such simple choreography at this beginning point in the song, he only needed to worry about singing. I wondered how he stood it, standing on a moving platform and singing elegantly as fans screamed around him.

When the pre chorus approached, his left foot stepped back in a smooth motion, swiveling his body to face the audience as he got off the platform. The choreography picked up as he swept his hands over his head and started his sharp arm motions.

"You make me begin...."

And boom. There it was. His feet were flying, arms flailing- but crisp, intentional movements were being made. He danced- really danced as he moved across the stage. The backup dancers were moving too but only in my peripherals. My mouth shot open.

"Could Jungkook stop being good at everything for a second-"

I looked at Hoseok who was watching, his mouth open as well in a thin smile. It was his 'impressed' face. He didn't reply to me.

As the song went on and the perfect dance continued, his moves didn't slow down and hit every beat perfectly. By the time he got to the last chorus, his breath was hitting the mic, showing the intensity of the moves.

The song ended, his back to the audience and his head up. I couldn't even imagine the energy that must have taken. I saw him practicing it countless days in prep for the tour but it had finally come together. It was beautiful.

When I looked back, Jin was laughing, bowing his head slightly. "Do we need to give feedback to that?"

Hoseok behind me laughed.

"Seriously, JK, stop being perfect at everything you wet sock!" I shouted.

"Go easy on it," Taehyung told panting Jungkook who was heading towards us and Hoseok cracked up.

"I guess we're all aware Jungkook is better than any of us," I joked.

"You're working too hard. Go easy," was Namjoon's critique. Jungkook was hopping up and down as if to get his limbs moving normally again.

"I feel the soul," Jimin commented.

"Yeah," Namjoon said, "each person has a different capacity."

I stood, wanting to watch firsthand how the boys were reacting to Jungkook's performance and what their advice might be.

"There are limits to the capacity," Jin added.

"If you keep putting water in a bathtub," Namjoon went on as Jungkook then went into a handstand. I watched him for a moment before doing one myself to his right. Namjoon and Jin's conversation came to a halt for a moment as they surveyed the two maknaes walking on our hands over the stage before Namjoon continued, "it's going to overflow. That's all it can take."

Jungkook came out of his handstand and I lowered my feet before standing upright and going into a stretch. He looked at me without acknowledging his brother's critique as if he wanted to see what my thoughts were first.

"It was great, Jungkook. I think the others already mentioned what I would have advised. We don't want this show to be another Santiago."

"Heh," he huffed with a smile.

"But it's great either way. It was super cool to see it all come together," I assured him. "You look really clean and in sync, both with the music and the dancers."

"Thanks," he said quickly, flashing a smile before grabbing his water bottle.

Jimin's song started briefly through the speakers to test the audio, and then our attention came to the stage again where Jimin had his mic on and we could tell he was prepping to get started.

The beat dropped which instigated his body roll.

"Naege malhae..." he started, singing and dancing the scene I remembered Jungkook mimicking that first day in Santiago.

"Don't be like a prey....

Smooth like a- like a snake..."

Not only were Jimin's moves perfectly on beat, clear, clean, and crisp, but his voice reflected outstanding emotion as his head was free, waving with the rest of his body and shifting every other second to match the song.

"Gyoso dwae domangcyeo wado

Geojic sokee bbanyeoitsseo

Caught in a lie-ee-ee..."

I was reminded how much I loved Jimin's choreo with this song, as it hit every beat and drag, every hold of the strings and kick and snare and everything in between. How Jimin's voice longed and grew and stretched, moved and slipped to perfect notes.

As the second verse came, he crouched on the stage a second with the background dancers surrounding him so he could discreetly apply a black blindfold over his face, a large piece of ribbon.

The stunt amazed me. He was now only relying on the music to keep him on beat with the song and the other dancers. Or he had to trust the dancers to match him.

He continued that for several bars of the song, my mouth gaping open. He was keeping his position in the dance trusting he was in the right place and that those around him were on their spots to keep the formation.

During a series of beats in the song, Jimin's hands crept to the back of his head where he untied the blindfold and threw it off in a second. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding.

At the bridge, Jimin was hoisted up on the arms and hands of the background dancers and he laid face up on them as he sang. I knew that one was coming, but it amazed me every time. I couldn't imagine it being easy to be able to breathe and sing in that position. He must've practiced a lot and learned new techniques.

The song ended with him on his knees, before he dramatically climbed to his feet and a remix of the song started. When the last beats came, he repeated a few of the quick dance moves in sync with them before letting the stage become dark around him, letting him exit.

We all clapped lightly and Jimin huffed before heading towards us and crouching down beside us.

"What do you think, hyungs? Sujin?"

I opened my mouth to rave about how much I liked it when Namjoon cut in. "It's out of sync with the person behind you."

I dismissed my thought for a second to turn to him and ask, "Do you mean when he's blindfolded?"

Namjoon nodded.

"That's kinda hard to do in the first place..."

Hoseok and Jin nodded, both saying, "It's cool."

Jimin looked around at us for a moment, hoping for a better response. Then he lowered his head. "My voice is failing me."

"Uh, no it's not," I said, seeing his mood rapidly drop.

"And we just said you're cool," Namjoon commented with a small laugh.

Jimin's head hung low. Was he really getting upset about it? He know of all people how hard it was to pull it off.

"Jimin-ah, we think it's great," Jungkook said, coming up from behind and bending down to rub his elder's back.

"It's okay," Hoseok said in a peppy voice. And then Jimin hid his head in his white t-shirt sleeve and I knew he was crying.

"Hey," I said, putting a hand on his forearm.

"You can do better later," said Namjoon.

Jimin wiped his nose, his head still lowered.

"Hey, hey, hey, Jimin oppa," I said. "Your transitions from chest to head voice are amazing, especially when you are near the bridge and the climax arrives with a lot of emotion. Your stage presence is also stunning, especially considering the vibe of the song. And I honestly feel like a lot of the moves are pretty impossible to mess up," I added, glancing at Namjoon, "because not everything is done with the background dances at the same exact second. There's a lot of waves. And even if you were half a second off, no one would even notice. Heck, if they noticed, would they care? Noooo, they sure as heck wouldn't. You know ARMY. They love your voice, they call you an angel all the time, I see it everywhere and they believe it. I promise, Jimin."

Hoseok nodded, adding, "If I have to choose the coolest here, I'll choose you, Jimin."

I raised an eyebrow at him. That's totally something we'd say to anyone having a bad time. Not exactly helpful..."

"That's why we have rehearsals," Namjoon added. I thought Namjoon was only trying to save his mistake at that point.

We all knew Jimin was sensitive. We all knew 'Lie' gave him the most anxiety. We all knew maybe Jimin had the most anxiety of all of us. We all knew Jimin had been working to the core on this song. We all knew we were supposed to help. And we all knew, then, that we had not.

Maybe he needed more confidence, and we certainly were not providing that. 

A/N: I really hope you all enjoyed! And if you saw my a/n, yes I'm doing much better today! I watched PTD LV off some live streams and I really enjoyed it but experiencing a bit of FOMO and PCD from the November concerts X( But all is well. Hoping to be able to update again soon!

Please stay healthy, happy & safe!

-Rose