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"Hey, hey, Jimin," I said softly, coming up beside him. He wiped another tear, sniffing lightly. "It's okay, alright?" I paused, studying his face. It was solid, but he was hurting. "We did this for critique. Nothing they commented on is something the fans are gonna hate you for, point out, or even notice. They were unnoticable mistakes for anyone except us, only because we know exactly what it was supposed to initially look like. But "initially" doesn't matter, because this dance, this choreo, this song is supposed to look like however you want it to and however you make it. This is your song, Jimin, your song. Do you understand that?" I asked. He sniffed again and nodded quickly. 

"Heck," I looked up at the other boys, continuing my speech, "remember when I said that when I was a fan, I would have paid a couple hundred dollars just to stare at you all on stage for two hours? I mean- not in a creepy way. It's just- all this singing, dancing, show stuff, performing, doing what you love, it's all a bonus for us fans to see. We're here for you, and to physically show you our support- their support." I started to stand, keeping my eyes on all the boys. "I was a fan once and that was how it felt. I'm one of the only ones with the power to physically be here to support you. But remember, if the fans could tell you this themselves, they would. It's just super hard to give a pep talk to seven guys on a stage above your head." I took a breath. Jimin was still crouched, his head hung low. "Take it easy, Jimin."

And with minimal reply, we continued with the other songs. As Yoongi did his runover of 'First Love', I couldn't help but become entranced. I noted the boy's voices chatting throughout. They were probably attempting to relieve Jimin again from his stress, but I couldn't hear it too much.

I was only so focused on an impression I got from Yoongi's song. I wanted to find my first love.

When I looked over at Jimin, he was continuously wiping his eyes and nose with his sleeve. A lump formed in my throat and I sat next to him again, facing the opposite direction so I could see Yoongi's performance.

I was reminded of Jimin's singing status as the boys got ready for the stage later that day. I was laying down on a white couch in a side- artist's room across from where Jimin had been lying down.

"Do you mind if I practice some things?" he asked. I glanced up from the book I had been reading.

"Huh?"

"Can I practice my singing? It won't bother you?"

I shook my head no. "I can pretend you're not there if it'd make you more comfortable."

He shrugged before humming a bit and starting on some vocal exercises.

Jimin wasn't in a situation to receive vocal lessons. None of the boys were. So, he could either try to improve himself or be happy with what he had for the rest of the tour, even though it had just started. I knew he must be feeling really bad about it because of how stuck we were. But really, when I heard him practicing, I heard the strain, the changes, the practices. I saw what he was striving for in his voice but really, he didn't need it. I was used to his voice at that point. I didn't need him to sing pretty. I needed him to sing Jimin. I wanted to hear Park Jimin's voice, the voice recorded in Save Me and Lie and every other BTS song to date. I was sure that was what the fans wanted to hear, too. The thought never even crossed my mind that his voice was sounding off, or could be better or was worse than before or other's. It was just Jimin's voice, and we all loved it. We all loved him. When would he see he was enough?

I heard some shuffling and then Jungkook's voice. "Lower your tongue as if you were yawning." he made a deep, elongated 'eeeeh' to demonstrate. "You sing like this with this voice." I looked up and nodded. Even I had learned that in the little time I studied vocals. "But this is a little.... Eeeeeeeeh... it shouldn't sound like this. It has to sound clear."

Jimin was laughing a little at Jungkook's demonstration as he laid back on the couch. "Alright."

Jungkook caught my eyes and I smiled. I was glad he was trying to help Jimin. But he reminded me of Suho sometimes. Jungkook was the one that always knew almost everything. He taught the boys things they already knew but took it as his responsibility to do so when they wanted help. Sure, Kook was the main vocalist, but Jimin was older. And I knew some who thought Jimin's voice was the preferred one over the maknae. Just a personal thing.

After a little, they packed up and headed to the stage for soundcheck, leaving me sitting on the couch. I didn't think they expected me to follow, but I set the bookmark into my current read before getting up and following behind Jimin.

When I made my way up the stage, a staff member was telling the boys that an audience had been invited to the sound check and asked which three songs they would sing.

"We have a list-"

"Crow Tit, Dope, Save Me," Yoongi said into his mic as he leaned against a speaker. I chuckled. It was always those three. Baepsae, Jjeoreo, Save Meh.

"Baep, Jeol, Save," Jin said, goofing off with his abbreviations.

"Baep, Jjeol, Save?" Yoongi asked.

"Jjeol, Baep, Save." Jin said.

"Jjeol, Baep, Save," Yoongi clarified once more.

That was indeed the list of songs the boys performed as a couple hundred fans stood around the freshly setup stage, the boys singing their hearts out as if to get their energy out with a smaller crowd. Hopefully they were only letting out nervous energy. They had another two and a half hours of singing and dancing ahead of them.

Soundcheck always had a level of awkwardness to it. Though the fans were going crazy about being up close and having more of a personal touch since the whole stadium wasn't crowded, a level of practicality was still required. The boys needed to test their mics, in-ears, the speakers, lyric guide devices, lights, camera, the list went on. Today was my turn to be in charge of the DAW inputs, meaning I had the computer the tracks were playing off of, and since I knew how to work them, I was the one specified to alter the music to sound the best in the certain stadium as per the requests of the members.

For instance, after Baepsae, Hoseok talked into his microphone so I could hear him over the chatter of the fans. Luckily, I was betting most of them couldn't speak Korean, so our business talk was private despite his voice being carried through a stadium and beyond. "I think the drums need to be louder," he said, tapping his earpiece. "Turn up track number four."

I nodded from my spot below the stage, taking a look at the computer in my hand. I found the fourth track which was indeed a set of kicks and snares, and turned it up a little.

--------

As the boys got ready to get on stage a few hours later, Namjoon was fiddling with his mic when he came to pat me on the back. I'd be watching the production and background music for a portion of the show today since I'd proven myself ready.

"Kid, you do good today alright? Don't leave us with some corrupted audio to sing to. I don't think I'm very good at improv."

I laughed, "I promise I won't, Namjoon-ie. Good luck out there today, and watch out for Jungkook." The maknae I'd spoken of scoffed as he walked passed me and Namjoon and I exchanged smiles. "Thanks for trusting me with your audio. I won't disappoint you." I paused. "And to be honest, I think I'd disappoint the fans most if I screwed up their treasured concerts." That time it was Joon's turn to laugh.

"Yah, don't worry about it," Joon shook his head. "Have fun and stay safe behind the scenes. Burn the stage, Sujin."

"You too!"

He nodded, giving me an approving smile that made me feel like gold. After a quick hug, he turned to his members who were gathering. They looked professionally stiff in their gray outfits, the signature for 'Not Today' and all their opening tracks.

"This is Brazil," Namjoon said, giving every one of his six teammates an encouraging look. "Let's get this. Show our fans how much we love them and how much we can give back. Match their energy and then give a little more, but don't push your limits, please. Let's get through this one without error or faults, at least major ones. Let's be there for ARMY. Ready? Bangtan!"

"Bang bangtan!" the boys repeated, putting their hands in and throwing them down into their signature team cheer.

"Good luck bros," I said, "I'll be running around backstage with some of you. Remember to signal if you need a track altered. I got you covered."

"Thanks Sujin," they said before they were off, ushered to the stage by staff to begin another night of concert.

I spent the night running around backstage, watching for signals which came once or twice from the members when the song audios needed to be altered. I helped take care of their water, wardrobe changes, and felt the rush of the fans above the stage singing along to the ear-blasting volume of the music and the beat of the percussion echoing as the boys sang and danced their hearts out. Oh, how I loved their energy.

But as the night came to a close and slowed down, and the boys moved into the speech portion of the concert, I was able to relax and fall into the background even more.

I found a black leather couch right backstage and layed down to rest. The fatigue of the day and job had found me and I wanted to give my feet a break for a while, trusting that if anything went wrong with the boy's I'd be awake enough to hear it. But my eyelids fluttered ruthlessly, weighing down until it was painful to keep them parted. So I let them close.

--------

I woke to a hand shaking my forearm gently.

"Sujinnie, we're going to head home. Wake up dongsaenggg," Hobi sung. The second my eyelids opened, I took a second to look around. The boys were piling in, along with staff with sweaty foreheads and sagging facial features thanks to the stage exhaustion. The crowd was audible outside, chatting mildly as they exited the arena above since the concert had come to a close.

I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. For some reason, as soon as I'd woken up, I forgot the details of whatever I had dreamed of. I just knew it had to do with him. Again.

I was so tired of being upset about Jiho.

I had told myself countless times it wasn't something to worry about anymore, that I didn't possibly have the energy to keep going like that. But despite my attempts and pursuit of getting rid of the memories, they bounced back in their own ways, sneaking the anxieties that resulted back into my dreams and absent thoughts.

It was exhausting. I felt more tired than when I went to sleep.

Without another word, I swung my legs over the couch and lifted myself off, feeling the coolness of the night sweeping in front the entryways to the arena. Following the boys to the artist's room, I tried to remind myself the dark cloud above my head and mood was something of my imagination. I didn't want it to be there, and I wasn't trying to be sad about it. I wasn't trying to miss him. I wasn't trying to be heartbroken.

I was silent as the boys changed and packed their belongings, staff running from room to room doing their jobs to pack up their supplies as well, including anything from the company. I sat on a couch, staring off into space as I thought about it. Why did I still think of him? Why was he still my worst nightmare and why was he still my only daydream?

Jimin smiled at me, signaling we were heading to the van to get back to our hotel.

How had my mood changed so quickly? Right before my nap I had been drowning in the rush of the fans and the music and the concert. It all just felt flat now. Disappointing.

"Ready?" Tae asked as I caught up with the line of boys being led by staff towards the private parking garage. His lips were held in a fine line. I could tell he was exhausted.

We climbed in the van, Jimin, Jin, Namjoon, and Tae in the car with me. The others were taking the van behind. The sweet smell of travel was around us, though really it was just Sao Paulo. It reminded me of fun, and intricate. I thought about how we were going to the states after we left Sao Paulo.

My phone screen lit up my face in the dark interior of the van reflecting the night outside as I picked a song from my playlist to listen to on the ride back to the hotel. The happenings of the day flew through my mind and I looked up. As we rolled out of the garage, I turned to Jimin.

"How did Lie go?"

He leaned his head back and ran a hand through his hair. "It felt choppy. And sluggish. I just don't know if the fans could tell or not."

"Honestly? I'm sure they didn't. I thought it looked great and the cheers were as loud as ever from what I could hear."

"I think they've always been quieter than I'd imagine."

I raised an eyebrow. What was supposed to be said about that? He had thousands of fans in an arena screaming his name and it wasn't 'enough'?

Hey hey heyyy, it's Author-Nim Rose here!

Phew, what has happened since I last saw you all? 

I know my last update was after the first weekend of PTD in Las Vegas- I was so disappointed at the time because I didn't think I was going! And then three days before the ssecond weekend concerts, a guy offered to take me on a date to the concert. Omg, it was spectacular and just what I needed. One of the best weekends of my life, to be with the boys again.

Following that, my summer included time at the Grammy Museum's Grammy Camp for high schoolers interested in a career in music! I went as an electronic music producer :) I'm taking after our amazing producer, Yoongi, as well as Hobi and Joon and all the others who work on putting BTS' music together. That's where I've been since the concert in April, not to mention my junior year of high school has been a tough one so far!

Nonetheless, right now I've been finding a lot of comfort in BTS again and it brought me to preparing another chapter for you all :) I still don't think my life will be complete until I finish writing this book, as long as it might take. Thanks for being patient and sticking around :)

Stay healthy, happy, and safe, ARMY! Until next time,

Rose