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Back at the hotel, the eight of us were crowded around a table in the largest room sharing a meal. The boys hadn't had time to eat dinner before the concert and after several hours on stage after hours of prep, they were famished. I hadn't found time to eat either, so I was eating along.

The older boys were conversing with themselves about the fun they remembered in the U.S. on past tours and concerts. Since our final concert in Sao Paulo was the next day, it meant we were packing up and getting ready to head to the States within the next week. It was approaching shockingly fast and I was starting to wonder how I would feel about it.

Jimin and Tae were on the loveseat in the room, eating silently. Jungkook had just gotten up from getting more food on his plate and came to sit down at his spot beside me. As he started to dig in, I set down the plate of food I hadn't really touched since the older's conversation had started and leaned my head on his shoulder. He stiffened for a second before grabbing a piece of meat from his plate and lifting it to my mouth with his chopsticks. I shook my head.

"No? Did you eat very much, sis?"

"Not really. Kookie, I'm scared."

"About what?" He stuffed his face with a mouthful of cooked broccoli.

"America."

He set down his food. "What about America?"

"Everything."

"Your dad?"

I nodded.

He turned to me, bringing his arm around my back and over my shoulders. "I think I understand. I went there to do my dance training once, and one time the hyungs and I went there to take a hip-hop class that freaked all of us out. America sure is something. And it always meant something to us when we went there, something different every time."

I nodded. "Traveling is weird."

He scoffed in a light-hearted way. "Tell me about it."

After a deep breath I looked around the room, surveying the boys as they ate and conversed, all excited from the post-concert jitters.

--------

It was the last day before we headed to the states and I wanted to practice dance. I had been missing it so much, and a moderate one without an exhaustive workout was allowed by the medical staff. At least if I passed out, I'd be in a safe spot with access easy enough for someone to come help.

I had found a room booked at our hotel which looked more like a yoga room, with rubber floors and mats rolled up and placed along the wall with the entrance. The rest of the walls were covered with mirror tiles and a ballet handle bar along the middle.

Placing my water on a spare metal chair in the corner, I worked on hooking my phone up with the Bluetooth speaker in the room so I could start.

My first go-to playlist included Nujabes, something I'd picked up on from Hobi's dance practices. It was the best music to freestyle to and warm up with.

And when you get good enough at your hobby- at least to you, that it isn't work anymore. It's play. It's fun. It's a want.

It's when you're good enough to yourself that it's easy. That you just feel better and better about your skills because at that point you're good enough to enjoy it, and you don't have to worry about progressing, just enjoying it.

That was how I was starting to feel about my dancing, that was what Hoseok had taught me. Even if I wasn't actually as good as I was, which was unlikely just because I was always so harsh with my self-criticism, it didn't matter. Enjoying it was enough to keep me going with a large smile.

I kept going, feeling the beat vibrate inside of me as the music blared in the speakers. The sound echoed off the walls, surrounding me and pulsing with the ground.

Hoseok, Jimin, and Jungkook's old dance-centered performances flashed in my head.

Their body moving at their own free will, their minds controlling the steps half a second before the music got to their ears.

I tried to adopt it. Surround it, hug it, take it in and bring it home for myself.

I switched to some BTS songs. I Like It pt. 2, Blood, Sweat, and Tears, MAMA, Begin, either doing the actual choreo or freestyling. Something about the beats and vocals hit me so hard with those songs. And they always got me dancing, feeling the mood, feeling the beat. Plus, hearing my brother's harmonic voices were always a comfort item to my ears.

And then a sound came from outside the song. I froze, moving my beats in a more sluggish way as I strained to listen. It took another second before I turned around to realize the door was cracked open and Hoseok was peeping his head in.

Heat rushed to my cheeks and I stood awkwardly, smiling back at him.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," he replied with a small laugh. "Nice seeing you here."

"You too." I chuckled,grabbing my phone on the floor beside me and hitting pause on the music. "I was just freestyling and stuff."

"Yeah? It looked pretty good."

I shrugged, "I had good music to choose from."

He beamed, "You do it justice."

"Thank you. What're you up to?"

"Nothing much," he said before taking a moment to form his next words. "I just heard the familiar music."

"Oh, haha." That brought up a memory. That was how the boys had caught interest in me when I was at my orphanage. They'd heard the music I'd been dancing to and took it as a sign to check in on my room where they found me dancing to one of their songs.

"Yeah. Well," he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, "I was packing for tomorrow, and maybe you should too. Soon, at least?"

"I know," I sighed. "I will, you don't need to remind me. I'll do it later."

Somehow he caught onto the uneasiness that wasn't part of my irritation for packing."What is it?"

I pursed my lips. "America. It'll be interesting to go back."

"Understandably.

"But part of me is excited. It'll be a chance to restart." My eyes drifted to the floor.

"Then I'm sure you'll make the most out of it, dongsaeng."

"Yeah. How are you feeling about performing there?"

"It's exciting and terrifying at the same time." He paused for a moment. "We have a huge fan base there. But it's also the states, and a lot happens there. It's like the world we study and hear about and rehearse for all the time, yet we only get to visit every once in a while." That reminded me of what Suho had told me before about Korea and America being like two worlds, and the inhabitants of either one felt as if any piece of the other was some sort of fantasy. America was only something we saw on TV shows and heard music from and read online news articles about. And we also studied English at school and sometimes got attention from musical artists there who wanted to collaborate with a celebrity in our country. It often felt like celebrities in America were even more of a celebrity to us because they were so far away and much less accessible.

"You're right," I said, "I totally agree. But we- you guys are so special to them, it's hard to disappoint. Especially since we're from another country, I think it doubles the cool-ness factor and likelihood that even if you were to all stand on the stage and do nothing, they would all love you."

"You still think our cool dancing and singing is just a bonus to them?" he chuckled.

"Well..." I dragged on the 'l', my grin expanding as I did so.

Hoseok shook his head playfully. "Alright, alright, I see. Then I'm off to get ready to go to America where I can do nothing on a stage and still get sixty-thousand people screaming for me. That sounds nice. Very nice. A luxury."

"Alright, Hoseok," I laughed. "I'll pack soon and then check in with some of the elders before going to bed."

"Good, I think Joon wanted you to."

"Yeah, I know."

"Maybe I'll see you in the morning?"

"Yep, thanks Hobi-oppa."

"Mhm. Night, Sujin!"

"Night."

And that ended our last day pre-America.

--------

The second we landed in Newark, New Jersey, USA, I got a text.

Suho: Congrats on making it to the States. Call me when you get a chance, okay? It's important.

That was a fair request. It really had been a while since I'd talked to Suho, and I needed it.

But the severity of that problem seemed to melt behind the task at hand. Getting off the plane and taking my first steps on American soil seemed like a large feat. It seemed as if it were the peak of the tour, the moment we'd been building up to for as long as we could.

The boys were beyond excited to perform and see their fans in the States again, so I knew I'd have to push away my hindrances and make it a good experience for everyone.

When I'd come with my parents, we'd lived along the East coast which was exactly where we were now. I remembered staying in Florida the longest, with countless trips to New York. The fact that our first stop was in New Jersey didn't help the anxiety, as instead of being eased into the nostalgic country, I was thrown headfirst into the same place where the memories were born.

I was eager to get to the West Coast where I could make new memories with my new life and the boys. Hopefully being here with them on tour would help me, anyways.

The city had an organized but busy vibe to it. It looked a lot like Seoul, and Santiago, and Sao Paulo, which made sense because our large concerts had to be held in large cities where there were the most fans and appropriate accommodations. I felt as if after the tour it'd seem that the whole world was made up of cities like this, though I knew there were still suburban and rural areas around.

We passed the sights in a blur. The airport was the same bustle as usual, and either my emotions were getting to me or I was getting used to it, because our trip down 'fan lane' wasn't as threatening as it had been previously. It was the same meticulous choreography of steps we always had to take, surrounded by BitHit staff, bodyguards, managers, makeup artists, and the like, all covered in an outer layer of fans from every direction, following us as we moved.

Once out of the endless terminals and sections of the airport, we took a moment to breathe before loading into the vans that were here to pick us up. The motions and routine that happened after landing at a new tour destination was starting to feel like muscle memory.

But maybe, I thought, maybe this time I can see the magic in it. Maybe this time I could enjoy it. This time I was safe.

I took a seat on the van next to Taehyung on the left side of the vehicle, watching as the staff loaded my suitcase in the back and the other staff took my extra bag as well as the boy's to the other vehicles. We were off in a matter of seconds, wasting no time to get out of the fan rush.

I paid attention to my surroundings as we drove, wondering if I'd been here before, even if it was just a road we'd traveled through on our way to New York or back to Florida.

But did that really matter?

Was that a thought I was destined to have?

I really wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what was okay and what wasn't, and I wasn't sure exactly how I was supposed to handle it. Not even how I wanted to handle it.

So I didn't. I let it go for the moment, vowing to contemplate it again later even though that wasn't necessarily the best idea.

Sometimes throughout the day as we checked off items on our routine list, doing things the way we always did when we arrived at a new tour destination, I felt like this was my place. It took a bit of thinking to sometimes remember not everyone knew about my past here. None of the staff did. Just the boys and Sejin, and that was it. At least, that was supposed to be it. And for some reason, Cal seemed to stay in the back of my mind, as if he, too, knew my secrets. Funny thing was, I hadn't seen him since the boy's last performance. It was like we'd left him in Santiago though I knew he was somewhere among the crowd of staff and makeup artists and BigHit workers. It reminded me of Suho.

So as soon as I got settled in my new room, I didn't even have butterflies as I thought I would when I finally called Suho back after his text upon my arrival. Maybe because I was telling myself it didn't matter all that much, that our relationship wasn't as big of a deal as I said and thought it was. Or maybe there were too many problems for me to worry about at the moment, I didn't have time to worry about him too. He just needed to be a comfort, a good thing at the moment. I wanted to let him. Whether it sounded like it to him or not, I was casually calling him, putting my feelings aside.

I dialed his number and put the phone to my ear when the call request started. I only had to wait a few moments.

"Hey," I said the second the ringing stopped. But then I clamped my mouth shut. Maybe that was too fast. Too desperate. I waited another second that felt like minutes as I waited for a reply from the other end.

"Sujin, there you are. How is America?"

I let out a silent breath. "Good! It's exciting to be here."

Breathing sounds pulsed through the speakers of my phone, making me wonder what he was up to. Before I could ask, he replied,"I bet. You feeling excited about it?"

"Yeah!" But really, I wasn't sure.

"Good." He was quiet for a moment. He let out a large breath that ended quickly. "So, good thing you called, because I thought it would stop and I wouldn't have to bother you about it again... but..."

"Bother me about what?"

"About this problem that is coincidentally starting up again..."

"What problem?" I prodded, hearing his breathing pick up more.

"I really need you to post something about us dating. Please. And soon. I don't know how quickly it's going to fix this but.. I can't..."

My heart leaped when he said 'us dating'. I took an extra breath and reminded myself I was working on getting more comfortable with that. "Okay," I said slowly, "but why? Is everything alright?"

"Will be if you can do something about this."

I was starting to get frustrated because my concerns were only building. "About what, Suho? What is the problem and what is adding onto our dating play going to do about it?"

"Look," he panted a few more times, "I literally can't get anywhere without reporters asking me for updates. I'm in Seoul, you're not. I'm being bombarded. I'm pretty sure they're attacking you too, but online, so I'm also pretty sure that your busy schedule is preventing you from being able to be conscious of it. But please."

As he spoke I listened harder to the sounds coming out of my phone. The more I thought about it, I realized I was hearing a lot of voices, more than the normal crowd on the streets that was common to hear if the person you were on the phone with was walking along Seoul. 

:)