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"Oh my gosh, Suho," I gasped, "are you being followed right now?"

"Eh," he gulped, "uh, it's just a little paparazzi. Nothing too bad..."

I pursed my lips, and then quickly said, "I'll post something, maybe do a live... Uh I don't know, I'll post something to grab people's attention. Can I hang up with you so I can do that?"

"Sure. No worries, take your time." I heard the sarcasm thick in his voice as he tried to downplay his anxiety. "I'm almost home but I don't feel like showing them all where I live. So. I'll go hide in a dumpster for now or something. That sounds like fun."

"Suho-" I didn't have words. "Call Daehyun or something-"

"No, no, you go do your thing, I'll be fine. Bye."

"Uh, bye Su-"

My phone dinged as the call ended from his side. I lowered the phone to my hand and then opened my Twitter. Darn, I realized, I should have asked him for a picture or media to post. I didn't even know what to do.

Scrolling through my phone's media, I found a folder of songs I'd written, a few with the help of Suho. I picked one I hadn't released yet and added it as a media.

Hello ARMY!

Another work in progress, thought I'd share! Hoping to release it as a single or in an EP sometime soon!

Thanks to my boyfriend Suho for helping me out on this one :)

Cheers to an amazing music music buddy

After looking at the word boyfriend a couple times and wondering if I was really going to put that out there, I hit post. That was that.

I texted Suho that I'd done something, and to call again if he needed help getting home safely. I put my phone down and went to take a shower. Nerves flitted around my stomach as I did so. I couldn't stop thinking about what the specifics of his predicament were.

But did I really have time to worry about that?

There was so much ahead of us while we were here. We were going to New York as the boys were invited to numerous TV shows and award shows and had special performances here and there. It was all a dream come true for most of them, so I didn't mind. But I knew a part of me would be digging back into the self that knew English and smelled America as much as my father's alcohol.

Or maybe I wouldn't. I was mostly scared it would happen, so how could I know if it would actually or not?

Luckily I hadn't felt too closed off from the boys recently. We didn't have time to feel separated because of our few arguments while we'd been on tour.

After my shower, I texted the boys about eating arrangements for the night and was informed they were ordering in for ease, but they all wanted to eat together. I couldn't help but feel that had something to do with me and our first night in the U.S. together, but it was whatever. I agreed and when the time came, I found Jimin's in his room and we walked to Jin's room together, where everyone was congregating.

The boys were engaged in a conversation about their next interview, one that would be completely in English and would have me involved by request of the station, which I'd agreed to.

They were also discussing the remixes for the medley of old songs they'd do at the concert. The expected cheer of the crowd. The contrast to how concerts in Seoul felt. The way the bass would boom through the stadium so much that eardrums vibrated and how their hearts would leap with the music, so much that even the fans would find it hard to catch their breath among the singing and dancing and chanting. They'd be waving their ARMY bombs and the long day they'd encounter before entering the venue. Concerts weren't easy for anyone, but they were worth it for all involved.

I zoned back into the hotel room with the boys around me, cartons of Korean food in the middle.

Jimin, who was sitting to my left on the floor leaned over to me. "You've been quiet."

I nodded. "I've been really sore lately. And I'm tired, and I think a headache is coming back. But it's whatever. I'm happy to be here."

"Ah, I understand." He let in a breath, leaning on his right wrist with his food set down in front of him. "This is a long shot, but how long has it been since you thought of Jiho?"

I shrugged. The name didn't touch me this time, or catch me off guard. He was a casual conversation waiting to happen, and I was glad Jimin seemed to acknowledge that. "He's been on my mind lately."

"Why's that?"

"I'm not sure, honestly." I shifted my sitting position a little. "Maybe because I'm trying to see how his band is holding up with all this going on. Tour, and traveling, and new languages, cultures, all of it." I paused to look at the boys who were laughing in conversation. "I wonder what he would have thought about all of this, too. I know it's been some time since the whole thing happened, but the more I look back on it... the more it puzzles me why all of it happened. I wish he hadn't done what he had, more because it just seemed dramatic in the scope of things." I paused because I wanted to admit something, and I didn't want to be embarrassed to admit it. "I was dramatic. Not about the grief, but my reaction. My self-infliction. Now that life is putting things on me, I wonder why I ever put it on myself. I regret that." I looked into my lap.

Jimin's face was thoughtful, but he didn't say anything.

"I know I don't know what it felt like to be him and I still don't know all the details. I'm sure he had more than enough plausible reasons for his actions, and at the time maybe I did too. But in hindsight, none of it should have happened. It wasn't even that long ago, but none of it should have happened."

"No, no of course. It's ridiculous." Animation finally appeared on Jimin's face. "Ending it wasn't the solution, you know that and you know why it isn't, Sujin. The members and I, as I'm sure you also do, wonder why the reasons he used... or wrote about in his journal, were the things that really pushed him off the edge. It's puzzling how much your career affected him. If he wanted what you had so bad, ending his life wouldn't bring him that in any way."

"Right. I don't have any explanation for that in my head and I fear that's what will haunt me for a long time."

"That's valid, but for the sake of your own humanity, don't let it. Please."

"I know." I sighed. "I really do know. I'm okay now, just wishing it hadn't happened." The faces of the boys around me, laughing, eating, being excited about where we were always put me back into perspective. "Truth be told, it doesn't affect me as much here as it did at home. This is a new world, and while the whole thing with Suho is following me, it doesn't touch as personally Jiho did. Maybe I shouldn't have given Suho such a hard time on the whole dating thing. Arg..."

"If that's how you see it now, just change the way you're acting towards it and make sure Suho is on board."

"Is that how you think I should see it?"

He took a moment before responding. "I'm not exactly sure, yet. It's a messy situation."

"You think I don't know that? I want it to be as easy as it can be. I don't think it has to be this hard but I'm... I'm making it. I guess I get scared every time something happens that's out of my control, like what Suho said to the media without my allowance, because I feel like I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the things that are under my control."

"That makes sense, yeah," Jimin nodded. "One step, day, idea, at a time, Sujin. And you always have us around, the members, to talk to and ask if you need it, you know that."

"I do. Thanks... I just don't know if I can do it. This has been going on for months and I just... I just want it to stop." My face crumpled and I covered half of it with my hand, suddenly embarrassed.

"Oh Sujin-" Jimin's hand ran up and down my arm and I could tell he was looking at me. The room went quiet as unwillingly, I let out a small sob.

"Sujin, you were so quiet- are you okay?" Taehyung asked from the floor. I hated the instant attention.

I couldn't answer him, so I wiped a tear from my eye and turned halfway into Jimin's chest.

My voice was muffled but I let it out. "I can't do it anymore."

A heard a few of the boys shift. Someone else's weight moved the bed. "What is it that is making this so hard?" Taehyung again.

I sobbed again. "I miss it. I miss home. I miss Suho, gosh darn it and I shouldn't. I miss Jiho but I know that's killing me and I shouldn't, I shouldn't. I don't want to be here I want it to stop."

There was silence. More shuffling.

"Sujin..." Namjoon's voice started, soft and slow, "if you need to go back to Korea, we can get you the next flight back. You can stay with Sejin's family, or other friends, staff- we can work something out."

"No, I-"

Yoongi cut in, "We knew taking you out of school would be hard, especially SOPA"

"No, I really miss being in school with Suho... but... I.. don't know. I thought being here would help me leave Jiho behind but it only hits harder when I occasionally think of it." I sat up. "I'm sorry, I don't know why it does but it does.

"I still have dreams about him and when I do, he's all I can think about for the rest of the day. When really, though I hate to say it, I'd rather not think about him at all."

"You're right," Yoongi said, "it'd be best if you didn't. Our schedule and appearances are tight overseas and you're no exception."

He was right, as hard as it was to believe. I wasn't the exception to a lot of things in my new world.

There was tension in the room. No one knew what to say anymore, and I didn't either. We had all gone over the situation so many times, I wondered if the boys thought it was useless to try to fix me anymore. That maybe this would pass without us putting in the effort we'd tried to do before.

Jimin stood and made his way hopping around the food cartons to the room's door. "I'm running to the store. Anyone want to come?"

I took one look at my half-eaten dish of Korean food and then to Jimin. I knew I could use some American food to inspire me. "Yeah. I'll come if we can run past my room so I can change and grab my wallet.

"Sure."

I got up, leaving the rest of the boys to resume the conversation as if I'd never gotten involved. I would have rather not think about them worrying about it anymore.

I grabbed my things from my room and we walked through the hotel halls, down the elevator, through the office and outside without speaking. I surveyed the tall buildings and businesses of the area. I hadn't been able to look outside with a clear head since we got here with Suho's calls and my anxiousness about my history. The buildings were blocky and old fashioned, completely American style. Things felt authentic here.

The night air helped things feel calmer and more peaceful, but also more threatening. I didn't know what to expect, as I was told every time I went to a new place that the safety levels were going to differ and I'd have to recognize and prepare myself accordingly.

Conversation about it hadn't sparked with the boys yet, so I decided to veer on the safe side and grab Jimin's hand.

The action reminded me of something. "Jimin, why is it always you that I'm with when we go on uncalled for trips to the grocery store?"

He chuckled, "maybe because I like going to the store."

"Hm. I like it too."

"Good, because I like having an accompaniment."

I looked down the streets, wondering what store he'd asked Google to show him earlier. "Where are we stopping?"

"Down this block and to the right, it's on the left side of that street."

I took in a deep breath of the air. It really did smell like America. People weren't walking around with masks on their faces, and it reminded me how Suho had warned me they didn't usually wear one in public. "In America, they only wear masks when they're sick", he'd told me. Jimin and I were wearing one and a cap to help hide our identities, but it was weird to be walking through the streets as the only ones doing so.

The store was one of the more brightly illuminated areas of the road, as the glass walls let out the lightbulb's shine from inside. Seeing all the English printed on products made me excited. This was America, and American food products in large quantities.

Jimin opened the door for me and I walked in before turning around to wait for him. There were a few other customers, and when I glanced back at Jimin's Puma sweats and white top, I could see how that would be recognizable to a hard-core fan. I hoped I wouldn't have an experience like in Seoul or Santiago.

"What were you planning on getting, Jimin?" I asked. Speaking Korean in America felt safe. Like every conversation, no matter how loud or quiet, would be kept private. That was something I really needed overseas.

"Milk to keep in the room... water bottles, I hate the tap water here. Maybe a couple snacks for the members... could you help me with that?"

"Mhm," I hummed as we headed towards the dairy section. "I'm going to grab a few things for myself. I'll pay for them."

"Oh, are you sure?" He stopped before opening the milk case. "You should save your dollars for some other souvenirs or else you'll have to ask the managers to convert more money for you."

"No, it's fine."

"Sujin, we can pay, we have our grocery funds and I doubt you're going to buy a cow."

"You never know," I laughed and turned away. "It's alright! I'll come find you after."

Once on my own, I headed to the cosmetics and medication. I grabbed a few shampoo bottles, curious to see the American beauty industry and bring some home. Then I headed to the painkillers and searched until I found an Advil bottle. I inspected it and the shelf several times to make sure I was reading the labels right when I spotted 'Ibuprofen'. It wasn't allowed in Korea, and I'd always been curious to try it after Aecha was able to use a rebranded form of it at the orphanage and it was able to cure some of my worst growing pains.

I picked up the bottle of Ibuprofen and looked at it a bit, trying to read the dose information. I looked up in case Jimin was around, ready to stop me, and then continued down the aisle to find the rest of my items.