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The road on the way to the airport twisted and turned like my stomach. I couldn't pay too much attention to the city as we drove through. It seemed that we arrived at the airport too quickly, and we were instantly bustled out.

The quiet around us shocked me. Yoongi and I were both wearing caps and masks, but I knew he was still worried about a fan leaking our location. We could only hope dearly that our sudden plans would mean there was no time for anyone to hear about where I was going.

A single staff member met us before security, and went through it with us silently. The one time I felt like a normal human being, I didn't want to be. Even idols grieved for their families, but we were often forced to suppress it in front of the camera. Here, I was just Kim Sujin. I was going to see my family because of an emergency, and that felt too normal. I suddenly craved the noise of fans surrounding us. I wished for screaming fans that would tell me I wasn't in this world, leaving America by myself to go back to my old life for something I didn't want to accept. But I was trapped. There was no way out.

We got through security in a flurry and started walking to the gate, Yoongi leading the way. I grabbed his hand. He didn't flinch.

We walked through the other people occupying the airport, speaking in fast English and living their foreign lives. It hit me that I was going home for the first time since we'd left for the tour.

"This one," he said, pulling me towards a gate. His hand grazed my back, hugging me closer to him as if he were afraid to lose me.

With our staff beside him, he approached the front desk to check in and ensure I was going to be watched over on the flight there alone. It was all set for BigHit staff to meet me the second I landed in Seoul, in case fans had found out and decided it was a good day to give me some attention.

The desk worker assured Yoongi through the staff translator that a flight attendant was going to be watching me on the flight and I had a seat in the very front, first class with privacy, too.

The airline worker spoke in cheerful English. "You're all set. However, the flight was pushed back almost three hours because it had some difficulties before taking off in Seoul. It's on its way here, but I'm sorry for the wait. You can book another flight instead, if you'd wish, but the next one doesn't depart for two hours anyways, and it's almost full."

Yoongi looked confused at the translator.

"He said the plane you're taking to Seoul is three hours late to get here, so you can either wait, or book the next one which gets here in two hours."

"Oh." Yoongi let out a puff of air, then looked at me. "What do you want to do, Sujin? Can you wait the extra hour?"

I couldn't fight anymore. Yoongi had done enough for me, and booking another flight wouldn't help anyone. "Yeah. I can wait. I know it's kind of hard to change booking like this considering the staff plans and all..."

"That's what I was thinking. If you're sure," he looked to the staff. "Yeah, let's keep it. We'll wait."

"Okay."

The staff translated, and we sat among the other waiting passengers.

As I sat, Yoongi pulled my suitcase in front of him so I could have more room and we got settled. He put his cap down lower and put an arm on the back of my chair.

"Sorry you have to wait for me, now," I apologized softly.

"Don't sweat it. We can go back to the hotel, if you'd rather wait there."

The boys. "No, I'd rather not go through security again.

He nodded.

It hit me that I now had three hours to sit here. To feel helpless as my brother might be dying. To wonder if it was the right thing to do, to leave my older brothers for a few days while they tour and perform for ARMY. To not be there for the first time since I had come to live with them, even though they'd never taken a step away from me. I felt so guilty, but too in pain to do anything about it.

"Yoongi," I mumbled, my voice soft and unattractively fragile. "Yoongi," my voice whispered again, this time barely audible. My throat closed up, then the heat in my cheeks and eyes before I felt the tears pile. I couldn't see him, or even think about what I wanted. I just wanted help.

His arms met me in the middle. I laid my head on his shoulder, turning my face into the scratchy cotton of his t-shirt, his lint-covered flannel and his chest. "Yoongi." I said it as a statement this time, and I knew he knew what I meant. "I'm so sorry Yoongi, it's not supposed to be like this."

"You're right," he said, his voice on edge slightly, but only for the concern I knew he had for me. His words were slow. "It's not supposed to be like this for you. I'm so sorry it is."

I sobbed again, my left hand creeping up to grab the fabric above my heart. Each cry that I produced didn't have a sound, just a small jump, a choke in my throat. I grabbed my shirt, squeezing as if my heart was physically splitting into pieces. I felt the pain. "Ah, Yoongi-ah..." I wasn't sure what I wanted of him. I just wanted help.

"Sujinnine," he replied calmly, adjusting his arms to bring me tighter comfortably. "I wouldn't have chosen this for you if I could have."

"We wouldn't have chosen this for you if we could have."

The first time I heard those words, my heart dropped to my stomach and stopped for a brief moment. The shock rushed through my veins until I took the effort to actually think through what was being said. The boys and I were sitting in the living room of the dorms after a conversation about Jiho. Some of them had been drinking, and our conversations had turned comfortable but deep.

"You wouldn't have chosen to adopt me?" I had asked.

"If we had known that bringing you into this music industry would only bring immense pain to you, we wouldn't have chosen it."

I was already deep into a pit of darkness and depression at the time the boys said these words to me, making my brain over and under-analyze them at the same time. I had to repeat my question. "Are you saying... you wouldn't have chosen to adopt me?" My mouth was slightly hanging open as my nostrils were plugged and tears took their journey down my cheeks, a few endings where I could taste them on my tongue.

"No. We as people would have. We as idols shouldn't have."

"I think to clarify what Yoongi's saying," Namjoon interrupted, waving a hand in the air, "I should tell you he doesn't mean us as individual people, Sujin. Never, would we say we don't want to keep you or have you, nor was adopting you a mistake. We saw you, we wanted to adopt you and help you, we wanted someone to bring closer to our hearts. There are still reasons for that action we took that we have yet to fully explain to you, and we promise, we will. We owe that to you. But... you shouldn't have gone from one unfair world to another. I think sometimes we feel bad that we couldn't show you what a normal life is like..."

"No, Joonie." I paused for a moment. "This could have happened to anyone."

Yoongi spoke, "However, I do believe it was us and the music industry that pushed Jiho over the edge."

Coming from anyone else, that sentence would have destroyed me. But hearing it from Yoongi made it make sense.

"Okay," I said thoughtfully. "Okay." I took a breath. "Maybe I wouldn't have wished this upon myself either. But I'm here." The tears came back and my voice faltered. "I just need help being okay in it. I want to be in it, I just need help."

And here I was again, in the same position as I had been a couple months ago when I'd been mourning Jiho.

Except this time it was something that was supposed to be a part of me. My family. My old family.

Remembering how comforted I'd felt the last time I'd had this conversation with Yoongi, I wanted to say the same words that'd brought me peace the first time.

"I just need help."

And that was the truth.

But this time, those words didn't help. Something hit home more when it was about my dongsaeng than when it was about an optional lover.

I wanted to escape, so bad. I had three hours, and I was not about to spend it all changing my mind about my decision. Continuing my unfinished nap from earlier and letting the exhaustion seep in, I closed my eyes as Yoongi ran circles on my back.

---------

When I woke, the world was blurry. My first question was how much longer until I boarded for my flight.

Worried it might be really soon, I sat up straight. Yoongi's back was to me and he was talking to someone. The voice that replied to him made my heart beat. Goodness, I was getting tired of the emotional spikes.

I leaned forwards so I could see past Yoongi's shoulder, and looked at the said person for a moment. I stared until their gaze locked onto mine.

"Sujin, nice to see you awake. I hope you don't mind seeing me here, it was a totally rash and impulsive decision but I heard what happened yesterday and I was considering dropping by in the U.S. anyways for... funsies, but, well, here I am because apparently there're more reasons than one." He drew in a breath and his hand crept to his hair as he rubbed the back left and right .

"Suho- did you fly all the way over... Suho." I stopped to think about it. "I'm still in the U.S." Right? Yes, I was still there. "Did you fly to the U.S.? How did you get here-"

"I explained. I took the flight from Seoul that just arrived. Yoongi here tells me it's the one you're taking back to Seoul in an hour?"

"Oh... Wait, you said you heard what happened yesterday... Aecha just called me about Chinahe and I just... what?" Woah. The details were getting mixed up.

He gave Yoongi a respectful nod and then sat on the other side of me to converse. I turned to face him, then pulled my legs up to my chest.

"He really is gone, I'm sorry. I know it wasn't really my business, but a bunch of Daehyun's friends were around when it happened, and naturally, when I heard it was the kid from your orphanage, I felt I should check in and do something about it." he stopped to lean his head down a little and look at me, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. "Are you okay, Sujin?"

I nodded, but didn't change my expression.

He drew in a breath, "So I looked back at some of our messages, because I couldn't remember if Kyeong Chinhae was really someone you'd mentioned. If I'm correct, he came in as an infant around the same time you entered the orphanage, so you must have watched him grow up?"

"He was like... He was a brother... to me. He was my dongsaeng." I wiped my nose on my sleeve lightly. "I just wanted to be there for Aecha."

"I know, but she's okay. I... I think she was more upset about getting the information to you. I dropped by the hospital after they pronounced him dead. But I'm not going to lie, Daehyun's boys knew it the minute it happened."

I blocked out the last sentence. "You really did that?" My posture straightened so I could look at him for the first time. "You went to the hospital to check in with him and Aecha?"

He nodded quickly. "It was no biggie. As I feared, nobody close to him was in a good situation and I wanted to know if you'd heard the news. Aecha asked me to bring it to you if she couldn't get herself to do it... However I guess she did..."

"She did. She just made it sound like he was going to be okay." My voice cracked as I said that, and my lip trembled as a tear slid down my cheek.

"I think she's having as hard of a time accepting it as you might. That's completely valid, you know?"

I mumbled a "mhm". Of course I knew.

I wanted to thank him for coming, but Yoongi was here, and I didn't feel like pouring the emotional soup down his throat again. So instead, I stood up and gathered my things. "Yoongi, can we get a room for Suho? I'm sure he's exhausted from the trip, so we should head back now."

Neither of them questioned my decision, and for that, I was very thankful.