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Suho being there made me feel like I had my sidekick, which helped to an extent. It helped me feel less dependent on the members. However, I knew that just wasn't what the American audience was going to be looking for, so we all had to get into character before any appearances, and fast.

If anything, I was thankful I wasn't getting the beating from the members on almost dipping right before the American interview that had requested specifically I'd be there, because they wanted me to be a big part of it too. I wasn't interviewed that often, honestly. BitHit jumped at the opportunity, and so did the television company as soon as we promised to deliver. Had I followed through with going back to Korea, it wouldn't have happened, and I would have let a lot of people down. Yikes.

Meanwhile, I was getting good at suppressing the hurt from Chinhae. Trust me, I was well aware of how insanely unhealthy that was. There was just nothing else to do about it, and we all knew that was how it was during the tour schedule. Aecha was busy dealing with all of it herself, and she understood when I didn't make it back to Korea for the funeral. I wasn't sure she really cared, and I was okay with that. After all the progress I'd made getting away from that life, I was okay with leaving behind the last few 'goods' in order to completely eliminate the 'bads'. As much as it pained me to acknowledge it, maybe that was why Chinhae's death didn't bother me too much,

My outfit for the interviews had been really thought out- but not by me. I was lucky enough to like the black skinny jeans and silk white button down that had a red collar. It reminded me of a circus outfit to an extent, but it fit the boy's recent comeback theme from 'Not Today'.

I was sitting atop a table in the artist room, swinging my legs back and forth. My hands folded on my lap, I was aware that my eyes were glossed over and my mind was zoned out. I didn't really care. If the boys hadn't gotten used to it yet, I knew they would dismiss it as grieving. Maybe that was all it was.

Jimin, adjusting the collar on his black and white bomber jacket, paced slowly around the room, taking a look at the snacks provided by the company, and then his script of questions to expect. Taehyung was doing the same, eating out of a plastic snack bag. Jungkook, in the opposite corner was hopping up and down, warming up for a pristine performance. Jin, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok were out of the room dealing with outfits or whatever else was calling their attention.

I wrung my hands together, the interview answers I'd prepared in the back of my head. I'd viewed them briefly the day before and then set them down for good. My brain was in a fog, so I didn't want to read over them again to prepare, but I also didn't think my sheepishness would do me good if I had to answer something on the spot. I was going to rely purely on the adrenaline of being recorded and hope my public speaking was good enough.

I looked up to see if I could find my script sheet when Namjoon hobbled into the room, gripping the back of the couch as soon as it was in his reach. His face was contorted and he grunted in pain. It was probably his knee again.

Watching as he found his way to the front of the couch and fell onto the cushion, I started to worry about how much he'd been suffering, even though he kept it to himself. He knew that if he fell, so would his whole band. That's what he had to expect, being the leader.

Jungkook walked to the couch adjacent to Namjoon's and sat down, his eyes wide and curious of his hyung, who was now rubbing the area with his hand. A staff member came silently and handed Joon an ice pack. It had taken me a white to accept there wasn't much I could do when the boys were suffering their medical issues. I'd learned to surrender them to the staff. It constantly made me feel useless.

A poke to the shoulder took me out of my zone. They told me the interview staff were looking for me. After a staff member checked with Namjoon who nodded quickly as he was putting in his IEMs, I was off.

- - - - - - -

"What are your plans for the future, Sujin?"

"Naturally, I can see music in my future. There's a reason the boys and I were drawn to each other when the agency set up the adoption deal. As odd as many fans, as well as I find it that we found each other the way we did, it was a miracle that needed to happen." The studio lights made me wonder if I'd stepped into a shopping mall. White backdrops supported me and I wondered if my outfit would make me a moving worm in front of it. The cameras click, click, clicked, and I'd gotten used to the flashing by now. The reporter in front of me felt like she only meant business. I hadn't signed up to do an interview without the boys, but the company had. Part of me was relieved to not have to appear in the main interview with the boys and face the backlash of intruding later.

"Are you considering being an idol? Or would you have another interest in the music industry?"

Think fast. What do the boys think you'd say to that? The company? "I actually have a passion for music production, the hardware and software behind the hits. I believe audio engineering or concert management would be an appropriate career for me." I managed a smile with this. That sentence was partially true.

"Would this be in the American or Korean industry?"

"Wherever it takes me. However, I do believe the globalization of music is important in more ways than for the popularity of a single artist. I've seen the boys make improvements not just within their own career goals but for the sake of our nation, and I'm really proud about that." My smile became more sincere. It was true. The goofy, enthusiastic brothers I spent my time with were passionate about their work and often we didn't get to discuss the global impact they were starting to make. Really, it was because we didn't want to create a boastful bubble we'd burst ourselves. It took a lot out of us to even accept we were touring to an audience overseas who would accept us as our own. "Music transcends language, and I'm here to see that continue."

"How inspiring, Sujin. To what extent do you believe the boys have put these ideas to you?"

"Oh." I'd never thought of it that way. "Well, if they were an influence, it's one I'm grateful for and was ready to follow. As I said, the musical seed was already planted in me. The boys were the water to help it grow." I shifted in my seat. How many pictures were they going to take of me talking? I smiled extra wide. Maybe I'd find my crooked posture on the cover of a magazine.

"Thank you! I have more questions but we're out of time, I'm afraid. Thank you, Kim Sujin. We look forward to your brother's performance later this evening."

I hopped off my stool. "Thanks." Yeah, thanks. They didn't need to congratulate my brothers through me.

But one day, maybe it'd be me preparing a performance.

I walked off set and took the water bottle a staff handed to me. Sejin came running up to tell me where I was off to next, but a bout of nausea stopped my steps. The ground beneath me danced and I wanted to sit on the floor to make it stop. My heart started racing as I wondered if I was going to pass out.

I closed my eyes, feeling the world still shifting. My iron was low again, wasn't it? That was it.

My arm was moving but not on my own account. Oh, it was just Sejin grabbing it to hold it steady. As soon as he held me standing again my corners of my vision unblurred. This was getting exhausting.

"That's another one for the log," he said, rubbing my back. He meant the memo note in my phone of every time I thought I was seriously going to pass out that was ordered by the last doctor visit. It was embarrassing.

"Yeah, sorry. It wasn't that bad."

"It could have been." I avoided his eyes. "I was just about to tell you that the boys are going to the main interview right now. Want to watch?"

I nodded. I'd be able to sit back and rest.

Some house staff led us to the studio the boys had been preparing in. They were taking their seats, and Sejin directed me to my spot on the stage with the boys. We did our mic checks, and I paid half attention, knowing this interview might not take much out of me. I was in the background. The recording equipment did fascinate me.

Directly after the interview of minimal mistakes on my end, I saw Sejin catch Namjoon's shoulder so he could talk to him, making Yoongi stop to listen too. The two eyed me, and I realized Sejin was telling him what had happened. I looked away and became a little angry. It wasn't that big of a deal. Except maybe he thought it was because it'd been happening too often.

I continued to walk to our backstage artist's room and ignore it, but the boys had other plans.

"You doing okay, Sujin?" Namjoon softly grabbed my wrist from behind and I turned as he caught up to my side.

I looked at him for a moment. Of course I was, so I told him so.

"Okay. We've really been running recently. Running around way too much. We're just getting more worried-"

"You don't have to, stop it. I'm okay. Worry about yourself." The words themself were more harsh than the way I said it, but I still regretted it later.

—-----

We were in our backstage artists room, getting ready for another concert of the Wings Tour.

I was relaxing on a black couch while all the boys were discussing the concert. This concert at the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey was going to be a huge one. Fans had camped outside for a few nights, and we were starting to see the American side of things first hand. To have their favorite Korean artists come to the US was such a treat for them. It meant even more than to our ARMY back in Korea, and it showed.

"It's a bigger concert hall again. We were in very small ones so far, so don't panic and keep the choreography going," Namjoon reminded them.

The boys nodded, then RM turned to Taehyung. "The gap between you and I is too big on that one part of our set. I know we mentioned it at rehearsal, but it was too close."

"Then I have to go two," Tae replied, putting his hands on his waist as he thought and referred to their stage markings.

"Yes, go to two," Namjoon confirmed. "You need to go to two to the left."

"Okay." Taehyung took a seat on the arm rest of the black couch next to mine. Then, thoughtfully, he turned to Jin. "the other time, you... you need to move faster." He pointed a soft finger at his elder. "You need to be in one no matter what, before you finish your part. The timing and distance was off, again at rehearsal."

Jin's eyebrow furrowed.

"Well," Jin said slowly, "well I can't tell the distance." He turned away to fiddle with his outfit.

"It doesn't matter." Taehyung had his phone, plugged in, in his hand. He waved it around as he spoke. I didn't like how impatient he was getting with explaining his problem. "You need to be in one anyway."

How could Jin do that? I thought. I knew when they were dancing, especially if they were turning around, spatial awareness was a gift, not a talent.

"I was in one. I was." Jin spoke with confidence.

"And then it's too far for you, right? When we sing Spring Day." Nervously, he rested his elbow on the back of the couch. "Isn't the bridge for Spring Day too far for you? Yesterday? You run but you should run faster."

I sat up. Wasn't one criticism enough? Why was Taehyung starting to get so picky, and with Jin of all people? Jin was only going to get defensive.

We all knew Jin struggled with his dancing, and the extra hours he put into keeping up with the other boys was extensive. Hearing sudden criticism like that from Tae was going to hurt, whether Taehyung was right or not.

"I run after I see you run."

"Yes, it was far yesterday- I mean, the other day." Jin's voice was going up in pitch. "I ran at full speed that time." He sighed. "As fast as I could. Bang, bang, bang, I kept the time and ran."

Taehyung shook his head, his face still puzzled. He stood up, as if to demonstrate the movements. Jimin came and sat down next to me, carefully watching the boys' conversation. It felt as if the whole room was, and I was getting uncomfortable.

"You took too long to get ready."

"You can just take smaller strides," Jin suggested.

"I took really small strides. We were getting farther apart-"

"There's nothing I can do about it!" Jin interrupted him, his voice on the verge of cracking. I looked at Jimin who was brushing his teeth. Did this not bother him? I hated the sound of raised voices. "I ran at full speed to get there." Jin's hand flew to demonstrate. "You keep complaining to me. What do you want me to do?"

"No, I'm not complaining to you. Listen to me."

I stood up and folded my arms across the chest. "Can you guys just discuss what needs to be done without making it personal?"

Apparently my voice was too quiet.

"After you do this," Taehyung said, posing like he was about to run, "You take too long to get ready." He pointed to his feet. His voice was picking up pace. "You can finish this faster and move more quickly."

"I'm telling you I'm- I'm doing it as fast as I can! I'm asking you to take smaller strides."

"I'm trying to take smaller strides, so just get ready faster in a shorter amount of time."

To some extent, Taehyung's voice sounded like he was trying to protect the peace. Nonetheless, I didn't like the way he was speaking to Jin. Jin was his elder, after all, and it wasn't Taehyung's place to correct him with force, just make suggestions. And Jin, on the other hand, was getting too upset. They weren't going to get anywhere but into a bad relationship if he kept raising his voice.

I sat back down on the couch. I looked into my lap and started picking on a spare threat of my pants. I wanted them to stop it. It wasn't my place to butt into their conversation, anyways. What was I supposed to know? I wasn't a part of the band.