Vulnerability

All I can focus on is my heartbeat.

It's all I can hear, as it pulses through my body and echoes in my ears.

It's all I can feel, as blood pumps through me heavily like liquid steel.

Everything else has grown so limp that I feel like I could sink through the sheets and bed, straight through to the floor. So heavy, my bones and muscles laden with intense relaxation—a feeling I haven't felt before.

But then my heartbeat steadies and softens in my ears, allowing for my inner thoughts to grow louder. Allowing for the memory of what just happened to replay in my mind and make me feel hot again.

"Are you okay baby? Do you want more water?" Taeyoung asks this for the third time now.

I shake my head, unable to turn and look at him yet. Unable to because he just saw me at my most vulnerable, physically and mentally.

Thinking about it takes my breath away. I never really knew what to expect when it came to losing my virginity. After high school, I kind of lost the teenaged mystical fantasy about it all. Maybe because I waited so long, longer than any of my friends back home. I just never found the right guy, and was never able to let myself be vulnerable to just anybody. Because of this, the wait rendered the whole idea of sex as relatively unimportant.

What did I expect? I really don't know. So many people have explained their first times to me, many warning me that it wouldn't be magical like we all believed as young teens. And they were right. There's no sudden life-changing epiphany that strikes in the midst of it all. No change of character or metamorphosis of your personality. I don't feel any more confident than I did before. I don't even think I'm glowing, as some people apparently believe happens right after.

It did hurt, and I expected as much—Taeyoung warned me numerous times before it happened, so there was no way I could be surprised. But it didn't hurt as much as I thought. It was a weird sting, but the feeling was overwhelmed by what felt like thousands of new sensations within seconds. After the fact, I'm admittedly a bit hesitant to move, just because it slightly hurts each time I do, but it's bearable.

However, clearly none of this is the reason why my heart is beating so loudly even ten minutes after it all.

It was him. It was me. Seeing a part of me I haven't ever witnessed before. Being so irrevocably vulnerable in body and soul that it terrified me. But that fear was only soothed by his presence.

It was shocking to see how my body responded so unlike itself, even before anything really began. It was like some button was clicked on, rendering every single touch absolutely marvellous. Every soft trace of his fingers on my skin, every deep kiss that my mouth seemed to crave more than ever before, every feeling of his body on mine. Every little thing made me feel like I was losing myself. And it was terrifying.

I don't like opening up to people in any way. I never have, and it was one reason why my mother's passing was so devastating. She was the only one I could let my guard down with completely. I'm utterly floored by how little time it took for this man to reach that same level of trust.

Because here I am beside him, in all my nakedness, with a dull pain between my legs. And I'm not ashamed, not scared, not feeling any regret or relief that it's over like many of my friends told me they did. Instead, I feel like I'm melting. Like I've lost every ounce of stress and tension weighing my body and mind down.

And it's simply because I feel safe now. He makes me feel safe to be me; a human I can reveal myself to completely and know he won't run away scared.

My lack of movement and words causes him to sigh and turn to face me.

"Sohee," his fingers push my hair away from my face, placing it behind my ear. "What are you thinking about? What's in that head of yours?"

It takes no thought for the response to be voiced. "You."

I finally stop staring at the ceiling and face him. And just like that, I'm lost again. Any fear I had before, any hesitation to delve right into his deep eyes, has been obliterated. Now I can dive right in, get lost, and be totally fine with that.

"You sure you feel okay?"

"I'm fine Taeyoung," I slightly laugh at his worry. After we recovered, he had immediately gotten up to get me a glass of water, then even got a towel to clean me up. I didn't even know such things came after sex, but then again I think my experience was a bit unique. After all of this, he returned right to the bed to hold me.

"I know it was scary, letting yourself go like that. Especially to someone with experience."

I just nod as my eyes move between each of his.

"But as selfish as it sounds, I'm glad I was your first experience. It makes me feel strangely reassured knowing your first time was a good one." He pauses and his lips twitch. "Or so I hope it was."

I close my eyes as I softly laugh. Heat flushes to my cheeks. "It was," I say through my smile. "You take good care of me."

"I try my best." His thumb lightly strokes my cheek. "It was special for me too, different; the first time I actually felt loved by the person I'm with. First time I made love I guess," a cute smile forms on his own lips, one that truly shows just how nervous he himself is about all of this.

The light, fluttery feelings threatening to lift my weightless body and fly away cause me to squirm and hide my head in his chest. Automatically, his arms wrap around me.

"What's wrong?" His tone is one of concern once again.

"Nothing I just," my voice muffled against his skin. "I just love you. I really really love you. That's what this is right?" I look up at him in wonder. He leans down to touch his nose against mine and smiles.

"You shouldn't ask me, this is the first time I've felt it before too."

And this just causes the butterflies to chaotically dance inside me. I smother my face against him again, hiding the smile that I can't seem to get rid of.

"I hope they didn't hear me," I mumble against him.

"Who?"

Once we both realized that this was really happening, we were really going to sleep together, Taeyoung had gotten so serious. He left the room momentarily, returning to let me know his roommates were watching an action movie quite loudly. Then he locked the door and played his own music. He seemed so nervous the whole time, fumbling with his speakers and momentarily not knowing how to lock his door.

"Junwoo and Minjun."

"There's no way, don't worry. You weren't loud anyway—very vocal, but not loud. You're a quiet person Sohee in general."

"I know, but I felt loud." I can feel the heat set my face on fire.

"Don't worry about it. Even your sounds were cute."

I pull away, expressing my embarrassment.

"What? It's true. I don't think you realize just how adorable you are in every way. So much so that I seriously did not expect your moans to sound equally as cute. It just didn't seem fair, but I was wrong. Why are you perfect?"

"Stop, stop stop! That's enough talk about that."

"Why are you embarrassed? We're the only two people who know. Hopefully ever."

His last words seem to come out without thought. The silence and widening of his eyes after causes my laughs to stop. His implication of wanting to be with me and only me for the rest of time weighs on my mind. Of course, it's a thing I think about, but I assumed this being my first relationship, I was just being delusional.

Knowing he thinks similarly makes me suddenly feel nervous.

"I love you Sohee, I don't know if this will last forever but what I know right now is that I love you. I believe in living in this very moment and at this moment I don't want to imagine being with anyone else."

Right. At this moment this is our forever. Things could change, but for now, we should just wallow in the feeling of being each others wholeheartedly.

So I move forward to lay my head against him and he holds me in his arms once again. With a kiss on my head, his legs tangle with mine and we slowly drift to sleep.

. . .

A/N:

They used protection because they aren't stupid, irresponsible adults. Stop commenting about it. Maybe stop reading unrealistic Wattpad fics where the protagonist seems to get pregnant by "accident" 9/10 times so that you don't assume every single female character that has sex in a novel is just as dumb.

xx Sooaura