Chapter 55

Shaw

       I was starting to get very bored waiting in the psychologist's office. I didn't know how long I had been waiting in here for, but obviously it was long enough for me to want to just get up and leave, despite something possibly being wrong with me.

       At least Holden was here waiting with me, but he was too busy playing with Gibson to pay attention to me. I didn't blame him. After weeks of Gibson staying at Lawrence and Tara's house, he was finally back with us and it made Holden really happy. Holden still visited Gibson every day, but it was a lot different now that Gibson was back in our care.

       Definitely a good different.

       "You know what you should do?" I asked Holden. "Tell your cousin to hurry it up and evaluate me."

       "Cousin-in-law," Holden correct, sitting Gibson down on his lap. "Kenny is my cousin-in-law. And you can't rush psychologists. I'm sure you would want your evaluation to be thorough and not rushed."

       I sighed and leaned back in my seat. "I just want to find out if there's something wrong with me and if there is, I can find out how I can control my anger so I don't want to murder anyone who crosses me."

       "You don't really want to murder anyone, do you?" Holden asked.

       "If I say no, will you believe me?" I asked.

       "Depends," Holden said. "Are you telling the truth when you say no?"

       "You know, I wouldn't take anything I say too seriously," I said. "There could be something very wrong with my brain and it's only heightening my angry and murdering side."

       "So... You do want to murder someone?" Holden asked.

       "What? No, don't be ridiculous," I said. "I can't anyway. He's in prison."

       "Really?" Holden asked.

       "What? He tried killing you," I said. "See, this is why I'm trusting you when you said there's probably something going on that's causing all of this... darkness and disturbance going on in my brain. If only I could find out but someone's taking forever with other appointments."

       "Again, don't rush psychologists," Holden said.

       "I'm not," I said. "But you can. He's your cousin."

       "In-law, Shaw," Holden said.

       "Same thing."

       After a few more minutes, it was finally time for my appointment. Since Holden was coming in with me just in case I forget to say something about my behaviour, he placed Gibson in the stroller before walking into the psychologist's office.

       "Awe, is this Gibson?" Kenny asked once we were in his office. "He's so cute. Calvin and I have been trying to adopt a kid but we haven't had any luck yet."

       "There's always the option of using a surrogate," I pointed out as Holden and I sat down and Kenny sat across from us.

       "Or Calvin could sleep with another girl," Holden said.

       Kenny chuckled. "Yeah, I said that to him a few days ago. He ignored me for a while. And yeah, we can use a surrogate but the both of us would rather adopt since there are a lot of orphans out there already. It's just a very long process at times, especially when we're a same-sex couple. Anyway, we are here because an appointment was made for Shaw. So what's going on?"

       "Holden thinks there's something going on up here," I said, tapping the side of my head.

       "You know there is," Holden said.

       "You think you have a disorder?" Kenny asked.

       "I'm honestly hoping so," I said. "It will make me feel less like a horrible human being. I have a really hard time controlling my anger and sometimes, it's like this... dark side takes over. When it does, I can do some pretty violent and dangerous things."

       "Like what?" Kenny asked.

       "You won't tell the police or anything, will you?" I asked. "Because isn't your brother a police officer?"

       "Why? What did you do?" Kenny asked.

       "Nothing too bad," I said. "Just... My kids' mom, Kendra, got a new boyfriend and he ended up trying to kill Holden so I may have taken matters into my own hand. I didn't kill him or hurt him or anything. I just... sort of threatened to kill him. And I really wanted to hurt him."

       "Is it often you feel this 'dark side'?" Kenny asked. "Or only when people hurt those you care about and love?"

       "It's mostly that," I said. "I don't like seeing people I love being hurt so I lose it but there are times where even the smallest things can set me off. Do you think there is something or is it just me having to go to anger management?"

       "It's still too soon to say," Kenny said. "Just a few more questions and I might know for sure. How was your childhood? Life at home?"

       I sighed. "Not the best. My dad left me, my mom, and my sister and before he left, he and my mom argued a lot. He was also very... detached from us. Like there was someone else he would rather be and he didn't enjoy spending time with us. When I was a teenager, that was when the violence and anger really began."

       "And he also had a drinking and drugs problem," Holden said.

       "Right, that too," I said.

       "Substance abuse?" Kenny asked and I nodded. "Was this before or after the anger began?"

       "Somewhat before," I said. "It's what really caused me to be angry and violent all the time."

       "And afterwards, did you still have an alcohol addiction?" Kenny asked.

       "Yeah," I said. "It resurfaced recently but I am once again sober. You sound like you might know what's causing all of this."

       "I do," Kenny said. "Intermittent Explosive Disorder. It's sudden episodes of unwanted anger and most of the time, it's with a lack of reason. It can be a cause of substance abuse and emotional detachment."

       "But I'm not... I wasn't emotional detached," I said.

       "I know," Kenny said. "But you were with your father before he left. And IED can also lead to alcohol addiction, which you also had. I still don't know if this is for sure what you have. One or two more appointments will definitely help me know for sure but so far, I think this is what you have."

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awe kenny is a psychologist. <3 so cute

you know what's not cute? feeling like you have to sneeze BUT NOT BEING ABLE TO. >:( i hate it so much.

but in other news, the next chapter reaches THE LONGEST BOOK IVE EVER WRITTEN (and nobody still knows my favourite that I've written)(surprisingly, it is not a jerlan book)