To be honest, Yoongi has never felt like this before.

The last few days, the last days since Saturday have been - Yoongi doesn't even know how to describe them. He doesn't even know how to describe what he's been feeling for the past days. It's a weird mix. A mix between so many emotions that he couldn't really pinpoint a single one. All that he knows is that every time he opens his eyes he feels like the weight of the world is crashing down on him.

The weekend went by without him leaving his apartment once - avoiding every phone call of Seokjin, every text message of Namjoon and just generally trying to forget that there's a life outside of the four walls of his apartment. A life that is going on outside of his tiny anchor of safety. A life that he doesn't want to go on because that would mean actually facing the fact that he'll have to talk to Taehyung.

Yoongi spent his days trying to forget that he would actually have to talk to Taehyung about his past.

Ah... His past. If it's really his past then why does it haunt him even in the present?

He shakes his head, pulling his comforter tighter around his shoulders. After the first two days, he started camping out in the living room instead of, holing himself up in his bedroom. Somehow the small room started feeling suffocating relatively quickly. The walls seemed higher, closer to him than normal and every time he would open his eyes his gaze would automatically jump to his closet.

The closet with the hidden side, the hidden clothes inside, the hidden stash of a part of himself that he likes to keep a secret. Every time he would look at it the memories would start crashing in, bleeding through the cracks in his mind and clouding his head. The memories he tried to suppress for so long are coming back because Taehyung noticed something was off about him. Taehyung has noticed something was off since - ah. Too long. He knew it for too long already but Yoongi couldn't even find it in himself to wish that he would have been more careful.

It was bound to happen right from the start. Taehyung was bound to find out that something's wrong sooner or later because that's how it always ends. Yoongi should have known that from the start and he knew it was bad that he wasn't honest to Taehyung during the contract negotiations. But now he just has to live with that.

Honestly, it has come as a total surprise that Taehyung knew for a long time now that he's been lying. He would have never considered that Taehyung would even suspect a single thing. It's - just not something that makes sense to Yoongi. He would have expected Taehyung to demand to have this conversation the second he would have suspicions. The second he would think that Yoongi lied about anything.

In every single aspect Taehyung is like the definition of a perfect Dom. There is just no use searching for a flaw on him in this area because it is just not there. That's what Yoongi realized when they went through the contract, when they went through their first scene, when the other tied him up for the first time. Taehyung is attentive, he is completely organized when it comes to scenes, he knows when to stop, he listens to his Subs and watches even for nonverbal signs at all times. Yoongi has never encountered a Dom that was so intent on rules and safety. That's why it's weird that it took Taehyung so long to actually intervene in their relationship.

Yoongi might have hoped that this moment would never come but that was just wishful thinking. He knew that it would happen. Right from the start, he knew it but back then he was still convinced that he would just let Taehyung go. He planned to just let him go when the time to be honest comes. Never - never has he considered that he would ever think about actually telling someone about his past. For the first time ever.

It wouldn't be the first time someone would know about it. Seokjin and Namjoon - he hasn't told them what happened. Not really. Not like he wanted to tell them but they were there, they witnessed it. They witnessed every single thing that happened - okay. No. Not everything, they don't know everything but they knew about everything that left a mark on his body. They held him when he cried, they treated his bruises with ice, they dried his tears and they told him to leave. They told him to leave him but did Yoongi ever listen? Did he ever ask for help? Did he ever really listen to what they said to him? Did he ever really talk to them when they literally begged him for hours to open up, to just tell them what happened?

No. No. No.

And now it's been three years since he came crying to their apartment for the first time. Crying and mute as he sat on their couch, just staring blankly at the wall for hours. Now it's been so long and it took Taehyung - fucking Taehyung - the guy he always thought of as an insufferable brat, a rich daddy's boy; It took freaking Kim Taehyung for him to even consider finally opening up the walls he built so carefully for years.

It took Taehyung and the feeling of being in love, being loved, for him to tear his house of cards down. For himself. And when Taehyung stood in front of his door he had been sure. He looked into the younger's eyes - brown like coffee, like the wood of Yoongi's desk at the office. A calming brown. It took those brown eyes, filled with so much concern, so much love to make everything clear for Yoongi.

He could feel Taehyung's eyes on him - not really staring, not boring through him or burning on his skin. They're just - there. They're just kind of there, observing his every move. Yoongi isn't sure if he prefers this feeling instead of the burning intensity of Taehyung's usual gazes. The younger probably doesn't even notice that he's holding himself back this much. That he's doing so much unconsciously to not make Yoongi uncomfortable in any way. It warms his heart.

Having Taehyung in front of his door completely out of the blue has come as a surprise. He appreciated the other's efforts to give him as much space as he needed for the past few days and to be honest, he didn't really believe that Taehyung would manage to hold himself back for a whole week. Taehyung is such a naturally open and kind of clingy person that it seemed almost impossible for him to stay away from Yoongi for a week. But the younger surprised him once again.

It was - weird. Yeah, it was weird receiving this much space from Taehyung because over the course of the past months Yoongi got so used to him always being around him in some way that the past five days almost felt surreal. Well, not only because of that.

Yoongi shakes his head, glancing at Taehyung once before he finally decides to talk, to talk about what happened two years ago and what he should have told Taehyung during the negotiations. He can be glad that Taehyung still wants to be with him after he put both of them at such a risk by disclosing important information.

"You know how you sometimes only realize that you've been abused after you escaped the situation?"

The second the first words drop from his lips Taehyung sucks in a sharp breath. Yoongi feels the couch dipping as the younger moves but he refuses to look at him. Refuses to let his gaze stray anywhere else than the window behind his dark Tv. The sky is blue outside, a few stray clouds mingling but the sun is shining bright. It's a beautiful day – such a stark contrast to the turmoil inside of his mind.

Yoongi presses his fingernails into his thighs, drawing in a shaking breath. "It was similar for me," He admits, mind wandering back to his own past – his very own nightmare. "The first year – I didn't notice how bad he was to me. It was because he was the first person who ever seemed to be seriously interested in me – romantically."

The silence settling between them isn't too uncomfortable. Taehyung is waiting patiently. And Yoongi couldn't be more thankful to him, for his calmness.

Thinking back on what happened years ago Yoongi knows he should have seen the signs from miles away. But it was his first relationship. It was the first time someone actually showed genuine interest in him. The first time someone seemed interested in who he was, as a person.

They met in a club. Yoongi felt his gaze on him thethe whole night, couldn't even meet his eyes when they finally talked in a booth. From the first second on the man had been charming, perfect and easily made Yoongi feel like he was the center of the universe. It's not like it was particularly hard to sway Yoongi. Not difficult to make him feel wanted, loved. It wasn't difficult to make him feel comfortable, like he was normal and – needed.

On the first night they did nothing more than talk. They sat in that booth, surrounded by people clad in harnisses, a scene on a stage and bass boosted music with low red lights flashing everywhere. Yoongi fell into the other man's trap easily. Too easily because he trusted him just like that. Because the man seemed so trustworthy, so interested in him that Yoongi couldn't help but let himself fall into his arms. The man listened to him, respected his boundaries and Yoongi has already been in too deep to recognize the warnings when he was confronted with the contract.

He would have done anything the other would ask of him.

It was different to the discussions he had with the professional Doms he frequented before. But he blamed that on the fact that he would enter a relationship as well. Comparing it with his first two negotiations and the one he had with Taehyung, that contract the other Dom presented him with was something already written in stone. Yes, he was given the opportunity to mark his limits but Yoongi also easily let himself be talked into things. Taehyung let him choose his preferences, let him decide about the shape of their relationship but the other man – he basically gave Yoongi a list of requirements he had to meet for their relationship to happen.

"It's... We had a similar dynamic to what we have just," Yoongi stops himself. It's not easy finding a way to start the whole story when he never told it to anyone before and tried to forget everything about it for two years now. "I agreed in the contract that I would consent to a total and permanent power exchange, meaning that he had control over me even when we were not in a scene."

He could basically feel the way Taehyung completely tenses next to him. The other probably remembers their own negotiations and how adamant Yoongi was about not wanting a permanent power exchange in their relationship. To be honest, after the first week or so Yoongi already realized that the permanent unequal distribution of power wasn't for him but the other man – he sweet talked him right out of his concerns and then... Then Yoongi was already tied up too tight in that relationship to get out again.

Yoongi remembers it. The talk about this part of the relationship, how the man portrayed it as ideal and shut down every attempt of Yoongi to get deeper into the topic or voice his insecurities. He avoided Yoongi's concerns so easily and subtle that the other didn't even notice it back then.

He gulps, swallowing down the bile that's trying to rise in his throat as the memories continue to bleed in.

"The things – I marked as – The things I marked as a hard limit with you -" Taehyung is moving next to him and Yoongi glances at the younger for a second. Just his expression makes his stomach turn. He just wishes it would be over already – or better, he wishes that he would have never had to talk about it. Even though he knows he has to. He knows that it's the best decision he has made in the past years – the best decision to finally open up about his past, no matter how hard it is.

He continues. "My hard limits with you - The bloodplay, temperature play and the choking... They were all soft limits back then and I trusted him with everything. It was great at the beginning and I – at the beginning I could safeword easily without even feeling guilty and he was understanding. He was so understanding until he suddenly wasn't anymore."

Just like everything else it was something subtle that changed. A shift so subtle that Yoongi only noticed it when it was too late, when he's already been tied to the other man too close to let go again.

He only noticed it when his heart had already been completely tied up.

It crept in like a tumor, growing slowly and silently until it was suddenly life threatening out of nowhere.

It happened so slowly that Yoongi never really realized that the other man was manipulating him all this time. The first few times it was okay but then he started dropping comments. He started being disappointed, started showing him how disappointed he was and Yoongi – He just wanted to be the perfect Sub, to please his Dom in every way possible. He didn't even notice the way he was easily guilt tripped into crossing his limits and going on even when he needed to use his safeword instead.

"You should never feel guilty for using your safeword," Taehyung interrupts his trip down memory lane. Yoongi didn't even notice that his hands started shaking just from the memories alone. "Your Dom should feel a little bit of guiltiness for pushing you too far so that you had to revert to using the safeword. But you have nothing to feel guilty for."

"I know that now but... It was different with him. I – He didn't say it outright first but I felt it – the disappointment," Yoongi whispers, clenching his fists, "He was very good at manipulating others and after some time he actually said it. He told me – Yeah, he told me a lot of times how I'm a bad Sub, that I'm disappointing him. That safewords are for weak people and how much I would humiliate him by safewording."

When that started to happen Yoongi had been in too deep to get out again. Of course, those words hurt. Those words hurt a lot. So much that Yoongi often fell asleep with tears drying on his cheeks, with fear in his heart that he would be left all alone again the second he would do something wrong.

The man had easily made Yoongi dependable on him, too dependable. The rare seconds of softness, the rare proud smiles and the random bursts of affection directed towards him made Yoongi starved for those moments. He lived to experience those moments. He lived through all of the pain, the abuse, the uncomfortableness just to receive a tiny bit of affection at some point. He was so dependable on the other's opinion of him that he would do anything for him.

"He took me to a lot of clubs and I used my safeword a lot of times inside those. He never missed telling me how worthless I was because I humiliated him in front of other Doms..." Yoongi's voice breaks at the end and he hides his face in hands.

Just remembering what happened in those clubs makes his stomach turn in disgust. When he closes his eyes he could still see the inside of those clubs, could smell the sweat in the air, could hear the heavy bass pounding in his chest. He could still feel the heavy collar around his neck, the unpleasent seconds where he would gasp for air everytime his Dom tugged on the leash. Yoongi's knees might be healed but sometimes he swears he could still feel the phantom bruises from crawling all night right there. Sometimes he swears he could still see the bluish skin, the bloody palm of his hand because he accidentally made someone drop their glass and had to continue crawling, despite the shards on the floor.

Yoongi is not stupid and he never was. He knew it was wrong, he knew he should have left the other, he knew that what the Dom put him through wasn't right. He knew. He knows. He knows it.

He knew how those relationships are supposed to go, he knew what he needed and how a Dom is supposed to treat their Sub. He had experience. He had experience with two other Doms before, knew what he should expect from a Dom. He is not stupid for believing a beautiful lie and getting manipulated into something that he didn't sign up for.

Yoongi is not stupid so why... why didn't he leave sooner?

"That was around the time he started taking longer and longer to actually stop whenever I would safeword or asked him to slow down. That's probably the reason why I'm so susceptible to subdrop, I started dropping a lot because I knew he was disappointed in me. I knew he saw me as worthless and I adapted that mindset easily. I dropped easier and easier every time and he never reassured me, never helped me cope, never cared for me..." Yoongi fights against the burning behind his eyelids, fights against the memory of being left alone to deal with getting out of his subspace. "Until I met you I never had anyone help me during a drop and that... that feeling of being helpless, lost and just – gone, is one of the worst in the whole world."

The first time Yoongi experienced subdrop was – terrifying. It never happened to him before. He didn't even know what it was. Subdrop. The word was something he had heard about before but never experienced until his third Dom.

The two professionals he visited at the clubs – they always had at least thirty minutes of aftercare after each scene. Yoongi remembers being introduced to calming rooms in one of the clubs even. Those rooms were for Subs who needed longer aftercare, who needed more time to come out of their Subspace.

And when it happened for the first time... Yoongi wasn't prepared. He was scared, terrified and he was also alone. All alone because his Dom always left him after scenes. It was like Yoongi was just a toy, the second the playtime was over he was thrown back into the corner, waiting silently until he was of use again. Yoongi was always thrown aside but this time he didn't understand why he felt this way. Why his head couldn't stop spinning, why his heart hurt so bad and why the fuzzy feeling didn't seem to leave him.

Subdrop. For Yoongi, personally, it feels like a panic attack. A wave inside of his head that slowly overtook his whole body. Shaking up his mind and making him feel like he's drowning even though he's drawing in breath after breath. The first drop didn't last long but then it started happening more frequently and Yoongi sobbed and shook for hours on the floor alone. He kind of learned to just let it happen, let the wave wash over him until it faded to nothing but a numbness inside of him.

Until Taehyung came along he never knew how it was to be taken care of during his drops. He never knew that he didn't need to endure the terrifying feeling alone.

"That should have been a dozen warning signs but it became worse," Yoongi admits, admits his own stupidness. Just a glance at Taehyung made it obvious that the other couldn't quite believe that it could get even worse than that. His hands tremble, right leg bouncing up and down and his bottom lip feels numb from all the biting.

This is going to be the hardest thing to talk about. These are the memories Yoongi wants to bury forever – all the things he said before, the mental abuse, the ignorance of safewors, the neglect – all of that just isn't the same as the things that left permanent and visible scars on him. These things... the things were major turning points in their relationship. All of them added up to the final night, the night Yoongi finally ran for his life.

"The first time... the first time something really major happened was when we tried wax play, I didn't like it." It wasn't the first time his safeword got ignored. But it was the first time it left such a huge impact on Yoongi. "I didn't want to continue so I said 'Yellow' but he brought hotter wax and I said 'Red' but he – he dropped the wax despite that...."

Since then Yoongi has avoided candles at all costs. Everytime he would see the melted wax he could feel its heat on his skin, could feel his thighs burning up again and tears already sting in his eyes.

"I remember the," Yoongi gasps, a little overwhelmed. Unconsciously, he presses the tips of his fingers right into the scars on his thighs, absentmindedly trying to overshadow the phantom feeling of wax burning itself through his skin. "I remember the searing feeling on my thighs, burning right through my skin... I had to get the burns treated at the hospital. You know, the scars on my thighs..."

"Yoongi –"

"There's more. Please let me finish first," Yoongi interrupts Taehyung's attempt at – attempt at what? It doesn't matter what Taehyung wants to say because Yoongi couldn't hear it right now. He couldn't.

"There's more because even after that. Even after he had been so bad to me, ignoring my safewords, forcing me into sexual acts while being tied up and burning my thighs – even after all of that I didn't leave. I stayed with him which must have been the dumbest thing ever. But I didn't listen to my friends even though they told me to get out of there as soon as possible."

Yoongi shakes his head. Not a day goes by where he doesn't wish for his past self to have taken a different path. Not a day goes by where he doesn't wish he could do it all again and then make the right choices. He wishes he could go back and actually act on all the red flags.

If he could do it all again... he would have done a lot of things differently.

"The bloodplay," Yoongi continues.

Pain has never been a problem for him. Pain has been something welcome for him. He liked it. Liked it when all his body and mind could focus on was pain and not his anxiousness or anything else.

Yoongi unconsciously lets his fingers rub over his chest. "He wanted to try bloodplay but the second he touched the knife to my skin I safeworded but he pressed it down my chest despite that. I almost fainted seeing all this blood. Since then I can't see it anymore. I get dizzy every time I see blood now."

It wasn't the deepest cut, wasn't threatening or something. It didn't need to be stitched but Namjoon still took him to the hospital while Seokjin never let go of his hand. They glued the cut there, asked question after question while Yoongi just remained silent.

He only started talking when the other two boys begged him and the doctors said they would call the police if no one explained the cut. The cut that obviously wasn't an accident. Yoongi left the hospital that night with the number of a therapist in his pocket, a number that he never looked at again.

Taehyung's hand is still next to him, still laying palm up right next to his leg. This time Yoongi reaches out, interlaces their fingers before he let's the most poisonous words drop from his lips.

"And then he – when I left we," Yoongi interrupts himself, squeezing Taehyung's hand tightly. "It was similar to what happened weeks ago. He pushed me under water in the bath as a punishment – for disrespecting him. I just didn't want to have – to have sex while being all tied up. He had respected that the first year but after that he often forced me to do sexual things or performed sexual acts on me when he tied me up completely and I was at his mercy. This time I cried and struggled more than usual and he – he just lost it. Dragged me to the bathroom and –"

The first tears fall as he remembers the day. The fateful night.

They stream down his cheeks as the memories overwhelm him once again. There's so much he tried to forget about but now it all comes back. All at once. The ropes that had cut too deep into his skin, the ball gag in his mouth that was supposed to keep him quiet. Yoongi could feel the ropes on his skin, his own spit choking him as he cried, trying to beg for it to end while the other man kept touching him, kept trying to have sex with him.

Yoongi could pinpoint the exact second something snapped inside of the other man. It was as if someone switched a flip. The expression in his eyes had hardened before he cut Yoongi out of the ropes, ripped the gag from his mouth and dragged him towards the bathroom. There were fingers in his hair, holding him in place as the tub filled with water.

"And he – then he pushed my head underwater and when I – when I tried to get away I accidentally hit him in the face while struggling," Yoongi continues to choke on his words, body starting to shake with sobs as he holds onto Taehyung's hand like it's his lifeline.

It was an accident. It really was. The second Yoongi got pushed underwater he panicked, there was something inside of him that snapped as he thrashed around to fight for his life.

When his head was underwater he had involuntarily drawn in a breath. The water filling his lungs had just continued to fuel his panic and the hand on his head didn't let him go. Yoongi tried everything to get away and when his elbow hit something and he finally broke through the surface of the water he couldn't even think of the consequences.

The other man had been beyond mad already and when Yoongi finally regained his breath after coughing all the water from his lungs he knew he fucked up for real. The hands around his neck were even worse than the water.

"He got so mad, he punched me right in the face – told me how I was the worst Sub in the whole world and that no one else would want someone like me and then..." His voice trembles just as much as the rest of his body. With his free hand he draws lines over his neck, convincing himself that the phantom feeling of hands there are not real. "Then he put his hands around my neck and I was positive that I would die now. He didn't stop. He didn't stop until I passed out."

It was the scariest thing that ever happened to him. Laying there on the cold tiles, water around him that splashed from the tub and the hands of his Dom around his throat, squeezing tight enough to cut off his air supply.

His eyes had been the worst. Cold, emotionless as Yoongi's vision started to fade, black spots appearing in it as he struggled for air. Hands scratching up and down the other's arm, legs kicking him but the other didn't let go. Even not when Yoongi tried scratching the other's face.

Yoongi shakes his head, trying desperately to get rid of the pictures clouding his mind. "I was sure I would die... and when I woke up for the first time I wished he would have just killed me instead."

If it was hard talking about what happened until now then the next words should be impossible to voice. Yoongi gulps, pinching himself until he knows that there would be dark bruises but otherwise he would lose his mind. The sting keeps him grounded.

Yoongi couldn't even bear the memories without bile rising in his throat. Disgust. That's what he feels when he thinks back and even until today... there's still a part of him that wished he would have just died on the bathroom floor. Anything to not have witnessed what happened after he regained consciousness for the first time again.

"He was there. On the bathroom floor with me. I didn't fully wake up but I felt enough. He was –" A sob wrecks through his body. "He was raping me while I was unconscious. When he noticed that I had my eyes opened he choked me again. Until I blacked out. I wanted to die then. I wished that he would just kill me."

The silence following his last words is almost suffocating. Taehyung's grip around his hand is impossibly tight and Yoongi doesn't even dare to open his eyes, looking in the direction of the other isn't even an option.

Yoongi couldn't bear to recall the memories of that moment, opting to keep his eyes closed and only finally finishing the whole story.

"When I woke up it was on the cold tiles. He just left me there, alone. To die. He wouldn't have known if I had died on the floor or not.. " All the feeling, the panic has left his voice. Now it's nothing more than an empty whisper. "He was sleeping, probably drunk again and I left. I just left without ever looking back."

Yoongi loosens his grip on Taehyung's hand. The realization of what he just told the younger finally settles in.

This is it. Taehyung knows. Knows what happened to him – No. What he let happen to him. If Taehyung stays with him after knowing all of his past... Yoongi isn't sure if the younger would want to stay with someone as fucked up as him, someone tainted. And even if he does... Yoongi is scared that he'll get treated differently, with more care – as if he would break easily.

That's not something he wants but now it's out. His whole secret is out and he can just hope for a good outcome, even if he doesn't really believe in it.

"I moved," Yoongi sighs, "To the other side of the city - closer to Namjoon and Seokjin, farther away from work but I – I never wanted to see him again. I haven't engaged with the BDSM community for a long time then – it took me a year to step foot into Sense."

Taehyung is silent for a long time. So long that it makes Yoongi restless. Restless and scared and he needs the younger to say something. To react to what he just told him, what he just revealed to him.

Because the things he just showed, the things he just laid out bare for Taehyung to see was the hardest overcoming of his whole life.

Yoongi hates the feeling of being vulnerable and this... This whole thing put him in one of the most vulnerable positions he ever had to endure.

It takes Taehyung a long time to finally open his mouth. Yoongi doesn't dare to look at him, doesn't dare to say another thing. He is so... scared of the other's reaction and yet, he almost feels like tearing his hair out because of the wait.

Taehyung's voice is quiet. "Did you go to the police?"

Ah. One of the questions Yoongi dreaded. What did Taehyung expect of him? He knows that this is the first time Yoongi told someone about this. So, how? How would it be possible to have gone to the police without telling them anything? He didn't even want to go to the hospital for his injuries.

"I... I didn't want to," Yoongi admits quietly, "When I left his apartment I went to Namjoon and Seokjin. I didn't tell them what happened but they knew. They kind of knew and they said the same thing. That I needed to go to the police but I – couldn't."

Yoongi remembers it. The horrified faces of his friends as he turned up at their doorstep in the middle of the night. Turned up with dried blood from his busted lip, tears still streaming down his cheeks, wet clothes clinging to his body and bruises blooming around his neck.

He remembers the way they begged him, pleaded and cried to go to the police. But he couldn't. He couldn't go and talk about what happened. He couldn't, so he just chose to bury all of this deep inside. He chose to act as if it never happened.

"They cared for me the first times too – they helped me treat my burns and the wound on me chest. Seokjin helped me look for a new apartment. Namjoon took pictures of every bruise I didn't want, every scar, every mark that I didn't consent to – he said it was for the time I would finally change my mind and report him to the police."

"How long?" Taehyung asks. His voice sounds rough, raspy and kind of wet Yoongi couldn't bear the thought of the younger with tears. "How long did you stay with him? How long since you left?"

Yoongi swallows. He flattens his hands on his thighs, forcing his bouncing leg down.

"I was with him for a – for a little over a year," Yoongi says reluctantly, "I left two years ago."

"Two years..." Taehyung whispers disbelievingly. His voice sounds like he's crying. "You've been working for my father for four years... We already knew each other and I never suspected a thing... Two years ago..."

When there's once again silence breaking out between them Yoongi finally turns his head to look in the other's direction. Taehyung isn't returning his gaze, his face isn't even visible.

He has his elbows on his knees, head in his hands and only upon closer inspection Yoongi sees his shaking shoulders. When he reaches out towards the other, fingers curling in his hair in a somewhat comforting manner Taehyung lifts his head.

That is another image burning itself into Yoongi's mind forever.

He's seen him crying before but never like this. Until now Yoongi's been convinced that the younger isn't an ugly crier. But he has also only seen him cry like – three times. When they watched Hachiko, when Taehyung got drunk and they didn't have pizza at home and when he swore he broke his little toe on the edge of his couch.

But this is different. His eyes are as red as the tip of his nose. His face is a mess of tears and snot and it surprises Yoongi so much that he stops crying all together. Too worried about Taehyung as he cradles his face in his hands.

"I'm so sorry," Taehyung sobs, "So sorry for what happened to you." It overwhelms Yoongi. That's not really what he expected to happen and he could just sit there limply. Could only sit there as Taehyung wraps his arms around him tightly, pulling him against his chest in a bone crushing hug.

Yoongi could barely move inside of the other's embrace but he does his best to return the hug. His nose is buried against Taehyung's collarbones and he could feel the other's sniffles somewhere on the top of his head.

He could feel the other's heartbeat, crazy fast against his own chest. All the fear, the worries and the tension slowly bleeds out of him as he relaxes in the younger's hold.

The sudden sound of the other's voice surprises Yoongi.

"It's not your fault."

"What?"

Taehyung holds him tighter than before – even though that seemed impossible. Yoongi doesn't really understand what the other is trying to tell him.

And still his throat closes up as he presses his nose harder against Taehyung's collarbones. His breath comes out shorter and he buries his fingers into the other's crisp dress shirt.

"It's not your fault that this happened to you, that he did all those horrible things to you," Taehyung says a little louder, a little clearer.

The words ring in Yoongi's head, repeating themselves over and over again. Not his fault? But that's... how can it not be his fault?

A fresh wave of tears starts dripping down his cheeks. There is no way that this all wasn't Yoongi's fault. It's not like he tried to make it stop. He didn't tell anyone, he didn't ask for help... He didn't leave him. "I let him..." Yoongi whispers quietly. He isn't even sure if Taehyung could hear him or not – but that doesn't matter. "I let him do all these things to me."

"It's not your fault," Taehyung repeats. So, he did hear him after all. And he's still talking nonsense. "You didn't let him – He forced you. It's not your fault."

Slowly Yoongi frees himself from the hug, leaning back slightly on the couch to face the younger. Taehyung is staring at him, eyes glistening with tears and bottom lip trembling. His gaze is pleading as he reaches for Yoongi's hands.

"Listen to me when I say that it's not your fault." His voice is urgent, pleading. "It is not."

Taehyung's words don't make sense. They don't make sense at all. It is his fault. It must be his fault.

His body starts to tremble slightly as the tears continue to drip down his cheeks.

What the hell is Taehyung saying? He knows nothing. It has to be Yoongi's fault. How else could all of that have happened? If it wasn't for Yoongi who allowed it to happen?

But Taehyung just keeps insisting, keeps talking about things that he knows nothing about. "It's not your fault. Nothing of it. Nothing is your fault. He's the one to blame, he did this to you and none of that is your fault."

Yoongi stays silent though. The way Taehyung talks, the desperation not only in his voice but also on his face – Yoongi would love to believe him. But that couldn't be possible, could it? There's no way Yoongi isn't the one to blame, right?

"Hey," Taehyung says once again, voice strong and full of emotion as he takes Yoongi's face in his hands. "It is not your fault Yoongi. You didn't let anything happen to you... It's not your fault. It is not your fault."

Yoongi trembles. Not his fault... He's only able to take another few deep breaths before everything crashes together. Like his house of cards, everything is crashing down on him.

Uncontrollable sobs tumble from Yoongi's lips as he throws himself back into Taehyung's arms. He doesn't care about the loud, heartwrenching noises spilling from his lips. All he cares about right now is what Taehyung said to him.

It's not his fault. Could it really be true? Was it really not his fault?

"I'm so sorry," Yoongi cries and cries and cries. He also keeps on apologizing. The words just keep falling from his lips even though he's not even sure what he's apologizing for.

"It's not your fault."

Taehyung strokes his back, keeps whispering into his ear as Yoongi just let's everything out. Every single pent up emotion he kept locked up inside of his head for years, every single thing he tried to keep hidden forever just comes pouring out of him and Taehyung holds him through it all.

His arms are an anchor, keeping Yoongi grounded in reality as he keeps on breaking apart. The only thing preventing him from shattering altogether is the pressure of Taehyung all around him.

"Thank you," Yoongi chokes out between sobs. "Thank you. Thank you so much..." Just like the apologies – Yoongi isn't completely sure why he's thanking the younger.

Maybe for listening to him. Or for being patient. But maybe it's just a general thank you for everything Taehyung has done for him until now. Or it's just to thank Taehyung for being him, for being himself and never giving up on Yoongi – on them.

Yoongi isn't sure how long they're sitting on the couch. It doesn't matter anyway. But somewhere along the line they ended up sitting together, Yoongi between the younger's legs, back leaning against his chest. Taehyung has his nose buried against the back of Yoongi's neck and for a long time now, his breathing has evened out.

For a moment he thinks that the other might have fallen asleep but then there's the deep rumble of his voice right behind his ear.

"He can't get away with that."

Yoongi freezes.

Of course, he knows. He knows that the other couldn't get away with that – if the world was fair then he wouldn't. But more often than not the world and fate are pretty damn unfair. And Yoongi, in all honesty, couldn't bear the thought of letting someone else see him like this. Someone else hearing about the most vulnerable parts and scars of himself.

There is no way that his old Dom could get away in a fair and perfect world but... Yoongi's world is not fair. It is not perfect. The only possible way for the man to get what he deserves would be for Yoongi to report him to the police.

The mere thought makes him break out in cold sweat again. Anxiety bubbles in his chest and he sucks in a sharp breath.

His voice is strained as he answers. "I'm not going to the police."

Taehyung is fast in turning him around. There's an unreadable expression on his face that Yoongi couldn't decipher.

"That's okay – but we need to get him banned. We need to get him banned in every BDSM club in Korea on every website – everywhere," Taehyung urges, "I know people. I know influential people in the scene. You don't have to report him to the police but report him to them."

"Taehyung –"

"You won't be doing that alone," Taehyung quickly interrupts him before Yoongi even has the chance to voice his concerns, to tell the younger that he absolutely can't just go and talk to someone about his experiences. Taehyung just has to look to what lengths Yoongi went to keep all this a secret from the younger.

But Taehyung doesn't let off. "Imagine if he gets another Sub and actually kills them one time. Imagine someone else going through the same thing as you just because no one knows what kind of terrible person he is."

He's not trying to guilt trip him – not intentionally at least. Yoongi knows that. Yoongi knows that he puts others at risk because he wouldn't speak up about his experiences. He knows. Night after night did he plague himself with this exact situation.

And still... Still, Yoongi couldn't – It's just that. It's fear, it's shame – it's all holding him back and Yoongi had three years of beating himself up over his decision. But it is a decision. Something Taehyung couldn't just change like that.

But the younger keeps talking. "I just need the copy of the contract you had with him. Nothing more. Please. Nothing more."

"Okay – Okay," Yoongi hurries to say. He could give him a copy of the contract but nothing more. He couldn't do anything more. "But I –"

"You don't even have to talk to anyone," Taehyung interrupts him once again. Reassuring him. "I'll do that. I'll do everything."

"Thank you," Yoongi breathes. His hands tremble again. "Thank you."

Taehyung doesn't say anything. He's only pulling him back into his arms. There's nothing until Yoongi hears his heartbeat slowing down to a steady and calm rhythm. His breath has calmed as well, steadily against his back.

The warmth surrounds him and Yoongi could finally close his eyes at peace. With Taehyung's arms tight around him and the other's warm breath hitting the back of his neck.

Falling asleep without the weight of lies stacked upon him feels so much easier.

-o-

Yoongi's words from the day before are still weighing heavy on his mind as Taehyung stands in front of this foreign door. Fist raised and ready to knock.

It's during seconds like these, when he's not particularly thinking about something, that their conversation comes back to him. Honestly, it's been the only thing on his mind since Yoongi decided to open up. And Taehyung still couldn't believe it. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that people like Yoongi's old Dom actually exist.

He knocks on the door – only one thought on his mind. That guy - he's gonna tear him to shreds.

The door opens tentatively, slowly and it takes Taehyung a second to recognize the mop of blond hair in front of him. He could vaguely remember the way Namjoon looks. Tall, long legs, dimples and a tuft of soft brown hair.

That man in front of him isn't Namjoon though. But, Taehyung still recognizes him, knows him. Also tall, broad shoulders – very broad shoulders and a handsome face.

"Uhm, hello?" The other's voice is a little raspy, like he just woke up. Taehyung's gaze drops to his watch. It's only nine in the evening.

"Is Namjoon-ssi here?" Taehyung eventually asks – still racking his brain for the other man's name. God, it couldn't be so hard. Yoongi is talking about his friends all the time!

Just as it starts getting awkward because the other male still isn't answering another voice comes from the inside if the apartment. "Jin-hyung? Who's at the door?"

"Seokjin!" Taehyung slaps his hand over his mouth in shock after he exclaimed the other's name.

The blond is just staring at him, eyes wide open and obviously startled. "Sorry," Taehyung apologizes with a more appropriate tone of voice. "Your name just slipped my mind there for a second."

"Okay..." Seokjin turns towards the male behind him and yeah – Taehyung recognizes the brown haired man. Despite the glasses on his nose. "He's looking for you – and I'm going back to sleep now."

Namjoon takes the others place at the door, still not asking Taehyung to come inside. It's making him restless and he starts shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"What are you doing here?"

Taehyung freezes, searching for the others gaze before explaining. "I talked with Yoongi and I have a favor to ask of you."

"Okay?"

"Yoongi told me that you have pictures, of him, from two years ago," Taehyung says with a grimace. His mind jumps back to their conversation.

Namjoon looks taken aback as his mouth opens and closes for a few seconds. "The one of the..."

"Yes, the abuse," Taehyung confirms the others suspicions. To be honest, he is a little scared to ask Namjoon for the pictures – not because he's not sure if the other will give them to him. No. But Taehyung is scared of seeing the pictures. He is scared of seeing Yoongi like that, beaten down, hurt... He is afraid of actually seeing all the things his boyfriend had to go through because hearing it is way different than seeing it.

But if he wants to have anything against the guy then he'll need proof. And the pictures plus the contract is everything he needs. He knows enough influential people, he just needs the proof.

His voice is dark and cold as he speaks again. "I'm going to tear that guy apart. I'm going to ruin his name in the whole community and no one will ever allow him into any club, no Sub will ever want to be with him again. If I can't get the guy convicted by the police then I will ruin him with this."

Something flashes over Namjoon's face as he straightens up again. Only now does Taehyung notice that the other actually has an inch or two on him in terms of height. For a moment, Taehyung thinks that there is something like relief in his eyes but it quickly makes way for hardness again.

"Does Yoongi agree with that?"

"Yes," Taehyung hurries to assure the taller. "As long as he doesn't have to talk with anyone himself I'm allowed to do this. I just need the pictures."

Namjoon thinks for a moment before opening the door completely and waving him inside. "I have them on my laptop."

Taehyung follows him inside and waits on the couch for the taller to return with his laptop. The apartment is pretty. It's small and cozy. Taehyung's gaze travels over the pictures on the walls. Photographs of Seokjin, Namjoon, and Yoongi. They're a lot younger in a few.

Yoongi's smile looks a little strained on the older ones, like he's feeling awkward in them. Awkward with other people around him and having to smile for the camera. But even back then he was cute. Natural brown hair hiding his eyes and always dressed in black.

Before Taehyung could get lost in staring at the photographs Namjoon returns to the living room. None of them says a word when the taller sets up the laptop on the small table in front of them.

There's a single folder that Namjoon hesitates to open. Taehyung stares at the name, afraid of what he might see. Both males glance at each other for a second before Namjoon finally clicks on the folder and the first picture.

Taehyung doesn't know what to expect. Well, kind of he does but it's completely different hearing everything from Yoongi and actually seeing the marks on his body. It makes it seem a little more real and a shiver runs down Taehyung's spine. He knows this is only the beginning. The worst pictures are yet to come but he already feels horrified just looking at these.

Scratch marks down Yoongi's back. Bruises on his ribcage – definitely caused by hits or kicks. A split lip. Bruised and bloody wrists from being tied up. A deep bite mark on his shoulder. Bloody welts on the back of his thighs and then smaller things. Stray bruises here and there, light scratches and then a blue eye.

Every injury has been photographed at least twice. Once close enough to see it's severity and another time from a little further away, so that Yoongi's face is also visible. Taehyung notices how the expression of the other changed over time.

At first Yoongi's expression is neutral, at times even – annoyed. As if he doesn't want the pictures to be taken but the farther they go the tenser his face looks. Until there are still tears in his eyes when he's photographed. Tears in his eyes, on his cheeks and his teeth sunken in his bottom lip. The farther they go the harder it seems to be for Yoongi to hold himself together.

And then they reach the wax wounds. These pictures have obviously been taken at the hospital. At least in a hospital bed. There are more pictures, after the wound was treated and before. Yoongi didn't look at the camera once and the expression on his face was – detached. As if he's not really there.

After that came the cut down his chest. Taehyung could feel his stomach turning as he looks at the bloody mess on the other's upper body. Tears start stinging behind his own eyes and he has to take a deep breath before he could look at the next pictures.

These are from the night Yoongi left. And they're the worst ones so far. Taehyung recognizes the couch Yoongi sits on in the pictures. And when his gaze falls on the first injury he starts crying.

It's Yoongi's face. A bruise blooming on his cheek, blood dripping down his nose and lips. His eyes have a terrified expression, wide open and glistening with tears. He looks like he's seen a ghost. His skin is paper white.

The next one is his neck and Taehyung actually feels like throwing up. At the same time his hands clench and the urge to just kill the bastard that did this to Yoongi makes him almost lose his mind.

When Taehyung thinks of Yoongi's neck he always sees it with the pretty diamond collar around it. But instead of a collar, there are bruises around his neck. They're so dark that they almost appear black and reach over the whole expanse of his neck. Right under his jaw are bloody scratches, probably from Yoongi's own fingernails as he tried to get the other man's hands off him.

The picture is horrifying.

"How could anyone do this to someone?" Taehyung whispers while wiping tears from his eyes. "How could anyone do this to someone who is struggling – who doesn't want it?"

"That guy is sick." Namjoon shakes his head, closing the folder.

"I will kill him," Taehyung hisses from between his teeth.

"Taehyung –"

Before Namjoon could say anything else Taehyung has already interrupted him. A sigh falls from his lips. "I wish Yoongi would go to the police, report him, make him pay for what he did."

"He is scared." Taehyung snorts. He is not stupid. Of course, Yoongi is scared. He knows that. He just doesn't understand. There is no way he could because he hadn't gone through the same thing. He couldn't even imagine how Yoongi might be feeling but he dares to believe – dares to assume that if something like this would happened to him, that his fear would be overshadowed by his need to make the guy pay.

He dares to assume that if their roles would be reserved that he would do anything to get the man convicted. But that's all it is. An empty assumption.

"He is scared that it will come back to him eventually, " Namjoon explains, "That the guy will hold grudges and will want to take revenge on him. But he is also scared because he thinks that no one will believe him. Because no one understands what kind of relationship they had – that they will think that he wanted it. Wanted the pain, the assault, the abuse, everything. He thinks that no one will believe him because he consented to a BDSM relationship."

Taehyung wishes he could say that all these things don't matter. That no one would doubt Yoongi's story just because of the involvement of BDSM. Sadly though, he knows about the prejudices and fearing to fall victim to them is understandable.

Even though he knows that Namjoon is the last person he'll have to convince of the realness of the abuse and how BDSM doesn't matter in this situation, he still does it. "But that's not – BDSM is about trust, about giving up control in a safe environment. Not consented abuse."

"That's not what the majority of people think of BDSM," Namjoon says, "Sadly, it's mostly portrayed in a very bad light. It's nothing more than a fetish. It's not portrayed accurately. You know, in porn, in fiction – it's... Yoongi is afraid that no one will believe him that the abuse – the assault was real."

"That's – I just," Taehyung cuts himself off. He doesn't even know what to say to this. In a perfect and fair world these fears would be irrational but in this world? He knows that Yoongi might possibly be right about his worries.

He rakes his hands down his face. "I just wish that people would actually try to understand our community a little more. But I probably can't expect that. For them BDSM is just fun and games, latex and fetishes and hitting and pain and Daddy kinks – but that's not barely a quarter of it. They all think BDSM is some fifty shades shit but for so many people it goes so much deeper, means so much more. I can't even blame him for being afraid."

They're sitting in silence for a few minutes. Taehyung stares at the others screen saver, not really seeing the crabs on there.

His heart hurts and even though he's stopped crying by now he could just start again. There's just a certain kind of unfairness to the fact that people actually have to suffer through experiences liken Yoongis. And that their abusers stay free and healthy. Taehyung wishes he could get the man convicted but he's not going to do anything against Yoongi's will. He promised him something and he'll keep his promise.

"Can you send me a copy of all the pictures?" He asks as he gets up. His head is spinning and he knows that he needs a bit of time to himself right now or else he might do something very stupid. Like searching up the man's address and solving the problem on his own.

Namjoon nods and follows him back to the door. Waving him goodbye. Taehyung is almost down the hallway when Namjoon calls after him.

"And Taehyung – " He stops in his tracks, turning around to meet Namjoon's pleading gaze. "Be there for him. I haven't seen him this happy in years and I – as long as it's possible for you – please keep making him this happy. Keep doing whatever you're doing and please don't abandon him."

It hits him out of nowhere. Like someone dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over his head. The whole week he's only been able to think about what Yoongi's hiding from him that he forgot about his own little secret. Immediately, the guilt starts ripping through his insides and he has to physically restrain himself from suddenly blurting something out that he would regret.

Namjoon doesn't seem to notice the way he suddenly tenses, the strained expression on his face. The taller just keeps talking.

"I know he can be a handful and it's sometimes hard to understand his way of thinking but he really loves you and depends on you. He needs you at the moment. And I'm just asking you to be there for him for as long as you love him. He's a very precious person to me and I would do anything so that he would smile as much as he did in the past months with you."

The tears building in his eyes stem from guilt and regret this time. "I will," Taehyung says, knowing full well that there's a lie attached to his words. "I will."