Sometimes trauma hits you out of nowhere.

Sometimes Yoongi is just out, doing his thing, doing whatever he needs to do and then it'll hit him. Sometimes he's walking through the grocery store, hood on his head, a mask covering the lower part of his face and eyes cast downwards, headphones in as he avoids the other people around him.

And during moments like this, during moments when Yoongi doesn't even waste a thought on what happened in his past, it catches up to him. One time it was the scent of a man brushing past him. It happened at the mall. Yoongi had a relatively good week, no nightmares and he even slept almost seven hours that night so he was in a good mood. He smiled behind his facemask as he searched for a new hoodie to wear when it happened for the first time.

He remembers the soft melody of the song playing in the store. Remembers the nauseating smell of new clothes that always makes him dizzy when staying inside of stores for too long. The material of the hoodie under his fingers still feels vivid in his memory. The man brushed past him, muttering something into his phone and the path he went was too narrow to avoid bumping into Yoongi. He immediately flinched away from the contact but they were close enough so that he could catch a whiff of his cologne. It was the same.

The smell familiar but also foreign so that it took Yoongi a few seconds to understand why he froze, why his heart suddenly picked up its pace. And when his brain finally placed the smell Yoongi had to sit the next hour in a dressing room, trying to regulate his breathing again as he let the panic attack happen as silent as possible.

Since then Yoongi tries to breathe through his mouth whenever he's in a crowded place, tries to avoid breathing through his nose in fear of catching a whiff of that scent again.

And that's how it always happens. Traumas don't only manifest themselves through fears, or nightmares or memories that haunt him. It's so much more, so many subtle things that he wouldn't connect to the trauma. For Yoongi it was those random bursts of panic attacks that came out of nowhere. When something reminded him of his past relationship.

It was the time when he cleaned his closet and found one of the other's old shirts. His smell – not cologne but his smell - lingering on the cloth. Seokjin found him crying on his bedroom floor, his whole body shaking as he clutched the shirt so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

Another time it was when he wore a tie for the first time after he left his Dom. It was sitting tight around his neck, unusual tight after he had refused to button up his shirts completely since the incident. He sat for half an hour on his bed, hands trembling and breaths coming in wheezing gasps as he tried to calm himself so that he would be able to attend the business party of the company.

Sometimes it's nothing more than a color he recognizes from the other's bathroom or a song he heard on the radio while being tied up in the other's bed. On other days it's a particular word, maybe one the other man used often or one that someone else pronounced the same weird way as him.

Whatever it is, on whatever day's it happens – even after these years that passed... Yoongi still finds himself fighting against wave after wave of panic attacks when his memories rise again.

But the panic attacks arent the only things that the trauma enhanced. No. Yoongi has been dealing with shit all of his life. It started with insecurities, with avoidance, with social anxiety. It peaked in depression when he was around fifteen and spent three months in the hospital, with therapists and other people like him, trying to get better. But with the passing years more and more things started to surface. They grew each time Yoongi managed to defeat one of his demons in a battle. With one out of the way, a different one came.

The trauma made it all worse. Not only because it actually became worse but also because Yoongi couldn't really figure out why it happened. He failed to see the connection to the trauma.

Yoongi knows what to do when his anxiety starts taking over his body, knows what he should do to suppress the OCD trying to control his mind and he knows what steps he should take to stay out of his depressive downward spiral.

He knows all of those things but sometimes it's hard. It's hard to be always fighting. Sometimes he wakes up, too tired to fight against his demons today and one day – he knows that one day won't ruin his life but sometimes... sometimes he tells himself that it's just one day, only today and then, those words repeat themselves day after day, after day.

And suddenly he's spiraling down again.

Things always get worse slowly, slowly and silently and subtle. So that you won't notice you're actually burning out. It's like a frog slowly being boiled alive. If someone would just throw it in boiling whatever, it would try to get out. But letting it sit in water, gradually starting to make it boil – the frog wouldn't even notice being boiled alive. And it's the same with Yoongi.

One bad day isn't something to be worried about. Everyone has them. Even two bad days are normal. But two days turn into a week and suddenly Yoongi realizes that he can't really remember when he had a good day for the last time.

Yoongi even knows how it starts.

Insomnia.

That's the first thing getting worse.

In the beginning, it's hard for Yoongi to distinguish between a night where he didn't get enough sleep and night's where he couldn't sleep. Couldn't because there were too many thoughts running around his head, too fast for him to comprehend them all. Too quickly.

Not enough sleep increases his anxiety. He becomes restless, fingers itching to move all the time, every single kind of noise makes him go crazy and physical contact makes him want to tear his skin apart.

The anxiety, even though it already is a constant part of himself, manifests itself even further than normal. A constant pain in his chest, claws digging into his insides with every breath he takes, with every beat of his heart it rips through something inside of him.

When Yoongi finally notices that something is wrong it is mostly already too late for him to get out of this easily.

When he notices it, it's because he loses trust in himself. Yoongi thinks that everyone has trust issues. Everyone had someone or something betray their trust at some point in their life.

It has taken Yoongi a long time to realize that his problem with control came from his inability to trust himself. The realization didn't really help him though. So, he doesn't trust himself. Now what? Why doesn't he trust himself?

That's the question he needs to answer but no matter how hard or long he searches - he's not a step closer to the answer.

But over the years of depression, anxiety and OCD Yoongi has learned how to deal with these things in an okay fashion.

There's not much he can do against his insomnia. It's the thing that starts everything but there's not really something he can do. But once he notices that he's started slipping into a low point of his life again he starts there.

It had been a suggestion of his mother – the pills. Sleeping pills. Yoongi has never been a huge anti of pills - he's taking antidepressants every morning for God's sake. But those sleeping pills haven been different. The only ingredient is lavender. A natural tranquilizer.

Yoongi doesn't know if it's really helping him sleep or if it's just a placebo effect. Anyway, it does the trick – at least, most of the times. It keeps his insomnia in check when he really wants it to work.

When his sleeping works better again he can go and tackle the other problems. Depressive episodes hit him hard but he knows what he has to do to get out of them. As much as he would like to just hide from the whole world when he reaches another low in his mental health, that is not what he should do. So, when he starts getting his sleep in check again he leaves his apartment more than he usually does.

He doesn't go out in the prime of the day, doesn't go out when there are a lot of people on the streets, a lot of things that just worsen his anxiety. No. No, Yoongi leaves mostly during the early hours of the morning or in the middle of the night. It's just a small walk, not even half an hour long but it really does wonders for himself.

At first, when he was a teenager and his former therapist recommended this for him, Yoongi didn't believe it would do jackshit. No. As if just walking around would somehow make his life a little bit better. That was nothing more than bullshit in his eyes.

But then he tried it and yeah... The first week or so it was tiring. It was annoying. It was exhausting. It wasn't what he wanted to do. All he wanted was to just forget that there actually was a world going on outside of his bedroom and the safety of his blackout curtains. But that's the wrong way to go. At least for him.

Every time he would hear the annoying alarm of his phone telling him it was time to take his daily walk there would be hatred and annoyance building in his chest. But it only took him a week, a single week until it didn't feel like a chore anymore. He didn't admit it at first, kept trying to hate it but his feelings towards these walks changed.

And it's such a small thing. Such a little, trivial thing that still did a lot for him. Yoongi has never been a fan of loud places, of many people, of too many noises around him. He liked the hours of the day where he could be alone, for himself, where he could feel like he's all alone in this big universe of confusion.

These walks were that for him. A few minutes of quietness every morning. Yoongi would walk through his neighborhood in the middle of autumn, a scarf around his neck as the first rays of sunlight crawled over the edge of the horizon, just for his eyes to see. It would be quiet. It would be peaceful and Yoongi felt like he could breathe again. The serene calmness of the world early in the morning, just seeing a handful of people walking their dogs or getting to work, maybe coming from it.

Yoongi would be alone with his thoughts and for those very few minutes his they didn't feel as overwhelming as they usually did. His sadness didn't completely crush him. Like the first sunrays crawling over the edge of the horizon, Yoongi slowly dragged himself out of the dark pits in his mind. He couldn't really understand how such a seemingly insignificant thing made such a huge impact on his mental health but he didn't need to understand it. All that matters was that it helped. It helped with his long journey of recovery, of fighting against being swallowed by the drowning waves of depression every single day.

Over the years, Yoongi discovered a lot of tips and tricks to avoid being consumed by his anxiety. There are a lot of useless things – useless for him, for others they seem to work wonders but for Yoongi? Not everything is for everyone.

But he found the few things that helped him. Sometimes it was the rubber band around his wrist, the slight sting of pain catapulting him back into reality whenever he would snap it against his skin. Dragging him out of his own head, his own mind, away from the crushing feeling of anxiety in the center of his chest.

Other times it's the ring he wears. It's old, it's heavy, the edges are a bit chipped and it's not even high quality. Knock off, cheap junk jewelry. If he wears it for a day he has to scrub at his finger to get rid of a slight greenish tint on his skin. But every time he feels anxiety rising again he starts twisting it, starts playing with the ring to distract himself from the irrational fear bubbling inside of him.

Sometimes he starts intensely focusing on something around him. Whether it is a smell, a texture or a sound, maybe a pattern, a color. Whatever it is, as long as Yoongi could somehow distract himself from the feeling of anxiety it is good enough. Distraction is what Yoongi needs the most. Because if he distracts himself, if he focuses on something with all of his might – then he controls his anxiety.

So, it's once again all about control for him. Control is what he needs in his daily life to battle his mental health. But this obsession with control is what makes his life harder at the same time. It's a paradox. A crushing paradox.

Control makes his life easier and at the same time so much harder.

His OCD has always come in bursts throughout his childhood and teenage years. Whenever his anxiety rises his need to have things in order increases. And over the years it becomes an untamable obsession. He just feels at ease when everything around him is in order. It makes his life easier.

Control over everything is what he needs for himself to feel safe, to feel content and – calm. But this need for control, that manifests itself in OCD, makes him restless at the same time. But he has learned to kind of deal with it. The most obvious thing is when he needs to pack his bag, any bag for any occasion and he couldn't stop checking if he really has anything. This obsession with being afraid of forgetting anything is absolutely ridiculous, especially if he has checked for the tenth time already.

But no matter how many times Yoongi checked, every time he would close his bag he would feel the need to check again. The urge would literally make him go crazy if he didn't immediately check again. It made the people around him crazy. Namjoon and Seokjin often snapped at him when he couldn't stop checking. Yoongi understands that. He knows it's annoying, exhausting. It exhausts himself.

Now he has started making lists. Writing lists for every little thing and he would pack his bag three times. Pack it three times and cross out what he packed on his list three times. After that, he could check the list instead of the bag. It's not a perfect solution. Not when he would still rather check the bag itself. But it'll do.

Even though Yoongi has methods to deal with his mental health he'll always remain as a person with so-called 'issues'.

And that's what Yoongi has always been and will always stay as. At least in the eyes of other people. In the eyes of other people, Yoongi will always remain as a person with issues. Whether be it mental health issues, trust issues, bonding issues, relationship issues, body image issues... All of that.

Issues.

The word is stuck somewhere between his lung and his heart. Stuck so deeply that nothing could get it out. The letters scrape against his ribs, tear through his chest with every second of every day that goes by. And sometimes... sometimes Yoongi fears that the sharp edges of it would finally rip him apart forever.

But then Taehyung came around and when they got to know each other the younger man never left. He never cared about all the emotional baggage Yoongi carries on his back, never cared about the issues that are growing out of his skin like thorns designed to keep other people at a distance. Taehyung gladly ignored all of that – No. No, he didn't just ignore it, he acknowledged it, worked with Yoongi on his issues and never made them a reason to leave him or not even consider him for a relationship.

In the days after Yoongi opened up about his past, he woke up every morning with a bit of fear thrumming in the pit of his stomach. He was scared shitless that Taehyung, even though he always reassures him, would wake up one day and decide that Yoongi's heavy past is just too much for him, too much for a relationship with him. But that never happened.

Of course, it didn't. Deep down Yoongi knows that Taehyung is not like that. But even deeper down he couldn't ignore the slight whisper of fear still residing inside of him.

There's no reason for his fear though. Taehyung hasn't given him any sign of wanting to break things off with him, there hasn't been an awkward moment between them. Kind of the opposite. For Yoongi, finally being honest has been one of the best decisions in his entire twenty-eight years of life. Only after actually saying what was trying to break out of him for the past years really showed him how much this secret really burdened him. The sudden ability to draw in a breath without having something that weighs down his chest, the liberating feeling inside of himself, the sudden decrease of the anxiety thrumming under his skin – Yoongi would have never guessed that this would have such a huge impact.

He should have known that though. Should have expected it to happen but he doesn't waste a thought on that. The only thing that matters at the moment is that he feels better. And not only him. They're better. Taehyung and him. They're better. It's as if an invisible wall that Yoongi has built unconsciously between them in their relationship is finally broken and they're really together. Without something between them. No more secrets. No more hiding and Yoongi couldn't be happier.

Although he's still a little worried about the way Taehyung is going to treat him after knowing all of this. Being afraid is normal. More than normal. That's what Yoongi told himself, what Taehyung told him. And it's not only normal but understandable as well.

Yoongi couldn't really shake off the worry. Couldn't completely convince himself that Taehyung wouldn't let his trauma affect their relationship. Of course, it's going to affect them in some way but Yoongi doesn't want to be seen as someone weak because he's been abused, he doesn't want to be treated like a fragile doll that's going to break with the tiniest bit of force.

He's more than a survivor, more than a victim, more than his past – He is more than his trauma.

And Taehyung treats him accordingly. They spent hours, even after that day, talking about it. Not really about what happened but about how it would affect them, their relationship, their future and how it affects Yoongi, even to this day. And Yoongi noticed the slight difference. Notices that Taehyung is even stricter on consent, on verbal consent, especially outside of scenes. That's something he hasn't paid attention to before. At least not to this extent.

But even though it is a difference, it is not a bad one. Not really. It shows Yoongi how important it is for Taehyung to keep him safe, to make him enjoy all of this without doing anything that might make him uncomfortable or trigger him.

Another thing is that Taehyung stopped manhandling him too much during scenes. He makes him hurt, he hits him, he ties him up tightly – all with consent. But the small things he did before... like unconsciously pressing Yoongi's wrists down in the sheets when he fucks him or like he used to cage him in with his whole body, hovering over him, barely leaving a gap between them – he changed all of that. Maybe unconsciously, maybe not.

Yoongi wouldn't say that those things bothered him before or reminded him of his ex-Dom. Hell, he never wasted a thought on it, never really compared Taehyung during scenes with the other man but now, looking at it from the younger's perspective, he could understand why Taehyung might think that this is something Yoongi does. That's where they have to communicate better and Yoongi definitely learned to communicate better.

Not only because he had to. Right from the start, he had to communicate more than he ever did in his whole life because Taehyung has been so intent on verbal consent to literally everything that happened that it left Yoongi a little overwhelmed at the start. A little too overwhelmed so that he would forget to speak at moments where Taehyung expected him to speak. But not anymore.

This growth didn't only happen during scenes though. It happened in the entirety of their relationship and Yoongi is glad, happy that he's able to express himself better now. Able to express himself without fearing the reaction of the other person he's talking to. Able to communicate without having to hold himself back. Being able to even initiate much-needed communication.

Thinking back to the days right after he opened up there is one particular conversation that just kept sticking inside of his head. Taehyung's question might have left him gaping for a few seconds back then but it hadn't come out of nowhere. To be completely honest, Yoongi had even waited for it to appear, anticipated it the same day he opened up to Taehyung. But it came about one week later. "How do you feel about therapy?"

"Therapy?" The surprise in his voice stemmed more from the timing of the question than the question itself. He had halted in the middle of drying the plates he just washed, soap dripping down his arms as he had stared at the dirty dishwater.

"Yeah... just – I mean, it's a lot you experienced and I don't – I think it would really help you, to talk with someone who can help you," Taehyung had stammered, stumbled over his own words back then. Standing somewhere to Yoongi's left, pretending to still be busy wiping down the counter even though it had already looked spotless.

"I don't know..." Yoongi had whispered. Of course, he entertained the idea of going back to therapy before, had his friends trying to talk him into it but he had been afraid. Not because of therapy or because he didn't believe it would work – but because in order for it to work, he would have to actually face his trauma. Something he avoided since it happened but when Taehyung brought it up again – it didn't sound as threatening as it did before.

But he still hadn't been sure about it. Just because it had seemed less scary didn't mean that Yoongi actually wanted to go now. "I – Namjoon and Seokjin both wanted me to go to therapy but I don't know... I mean, I'm obviously not new to therapy but I... it was for my anxiety and so on..." Not for what happened to me, is what he had wanted to add but didn't.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to," Taehyung had said but Yoongi could hear it in his voice, the other's wish for him to agree and go. "It's completely your choice but I think it could help. Just to talk to someone."

"I could talk to you."

"Yeah but that's different." Taehyung still hadn't looked at him. "Just think about it."

And that's what Yoongi did. He thought about it. Thought about it for a few days before he actually went and looked for a therapist in Seoul that he might feel comfortable going to. He didn't tell Taehyung about his first appointment even though he wished he did when he sat in the waiting room. Wished he would have brought Taehyung along to calm him down. Now he had been sitting there alone, only his own breath and the ticking of the clock over the door making a sound in the waiting room.

His nervousness stayed during the whole first appointment but that didn't mean it wasn't good. The woman looked a bit – different from what Yoongi usually expects therapists to look like. He wouldn't be surprised to see her hanging out with the local hippies at the bio market. Her dyed red hair had been frizzled, held back by a colorful band. She had laughter lines around her eyes and mouth and Yoongi expected her to be loud and eccentric when she talked but her voice had a gentleness to it that he couldn't really explain. It sounded a bit like waves, calm waves on a gray day at the beach and Yoongi felt comfortable in her presence.

He tries to remember her words regarding this day but he's way too nervous at the moment. His gaze keeps jumping from the closed door to the chair right opposite of him, against the other wall. Someone left a gum there, a gum sticking right against the chair's leg.

His breath comes out a little quicker than normal and he doesn't know if he wants Taehyung to come out of the room faster or slower. Yoongi had been too nervous this morning to really listen to anything that Taehyung told him. But it couldn't have been much different from what he told him the last two days. The only thing Yoongi really remembers from him though is his apology.

Yoongi gets it though. He understands why Taehyung had to break his promise.

The door opens unexpectedly. Yoongi instantly snaps his head up, trying to catch a glance behind the heavy door but it closes after Taehyung again.

"Are you ready?"

Yoongi's mind says yes but his body says no. The tension makes him stay in his seat for a little while longer, his legs not really cooperating with his wish to get up. Taehyung looks at him, his face a mix between encouraging and concerned. His eyes shine with something apologetic even though Yoongi told him again and again that he understands it, understands why he has to do this.

What Taehyung promised him has been too good to be true anyway. But being here right now, it doesn't feel as threatening or scary as Yoongi imagined it to be and he knows he needs to do this. He doesn't only need to do it but he wants to.

With wobbly knees he finally gets up from the chair, nodding as an answer to Taehyung's question but he avoids the other's gaze. His fingers hurt as he finally unclenches his fists. He didn't even notice how hard he's been balling his fists to the point that his fingers now feel stiff.

"Are you sure?" Taehyung asks once he reaches for the door handle again, "You can back out."

Yoongi shakes his head, taking a deep breath before meeting his eyes. "Nothing will happen if I don't do this."

"But you can still back out – if you're uncomfortable you can go any time. I know I told you something like this wouldn't happen and I'm sorry that you'll have to go through this now but –"

Yoongi interrupts him. They had this conversation so many times before and he knows. He understands why he has to retell his story once again but he's not opposed to it. Not anymore. Because he understands how important it is. His therapist told him to do what he thought would be right. The police is still a bit – too scary but this? This is something he could do.

"I know and it's not your fault. It's okay, I understand why this is necessary," Yoongi says, coming to a quick decision that he honestly, wouldn't have expected of himself, "And I – is it okay if I do this on my own? Talk to her?"

Taehyung isn't the only one surprised by his request. But Yoongi rather not think about why he thought it would be better to go alone. Because there are good and bad reasons alike.

"Of course," Taehyung nods, voice light as he opens the door to let Yoongi inside while staying rooted to the spot.

The room behind the door is bright, a lot brighter than the hallway Yoongi has been waiting in for the past half hour as Taehyung spoke with the person behind the door. The inside kind of reminds him a bit about the office of his therapist and it calms his beating heart a tiny bit. Familiarity easing his nerves.

There's a huge row of windows on the opposite side of the room, the walls painted in a very light purple, so light that it almost seemed white. A light lilac that Yoongi found pleasing to look at. In front of the windows are two chairs, they look comfortable. On the left one sits a woman.

Looking at her, there seems to be an aura of calmness rolling off her shoulders.

"Min Yoongi?" Her voice sounds like the light pitter-patter of rain against a window. Not threatening, not rain during a storm or during thunder. A softer kind of rain and Yoongi immediately feels himself relax a little bit more.

He just nods, taking in the appearance of the woman. Her hair is black, gray streaks mixing in seamlessly and there are round glasses sitting on her pointed nose. If someone would ask him to guess the woman's age he wouldn't be able to answer. Despite her graying hair, she has something young about her and it confuses Yoongi slightly. He couldn't pinpoint what makes him so confused about her appearance.

But that doesn't matter anyway.

"Take a seat and relax," She says, gesturing towards the empty chair.

Yoongi settles down, his eyes drawn to the soft smile on her red lips. It feels different here. It isn't intimidating at all, even if it was the second he stepped inside but since the woman started talking Yoongi's almost feeling – cozy.

He watches her take out a notebook and a pen. She adjusts her glasses before looking into his eyes again, the calmness radiating off her never ceasing. "Do you want to tell me your story or do you just want to answer questions I ask you?" She laughs a bit, a melodic sound, as she sees Yoongi's confused expression to her question. "Sometimes it's easier answering questions than just having to tell everything at once."

And oh – Yoongi gets it.

He hesitates a bit, running the palms of his hands over the fabric of his jeans. The sensation of the rips over his thighs distract him from the increasing anxiety in his chest. It takes a bit of time until he could finally open his mouth but the woman has never pushed him, her smile never changed and when Yoongi glances at her there is nothing but encouragement on her face.

"The questions," He whispers hoarsely.

"All right," She says and turns a page of her notebook, "No need to be nervous. This will stay between us and this time I can promise you that you won't have to tell anyone else this personal part of you again. It's just me and then I'll fight for you to have your voice heard and kick your ex-Dom from everything that is related to BDSM. It's safe for you here. A lot of people come here, afraid to go to the police but not wanting to let their abuser get away unscathed. I'm here to help you and only you. You don't have to afraid of judgment here. This is a safe place."

Yoongi nods, drawing in a shaky breath before meeting her gaze head-on. "Okay."

"Good," The woman smiles before reading out the first question, "Where did you meet the man for the first time?"

-o-

Solving one problem in his life always makes room for another one.

And honestly, Yoongi is so done with problems and conflicts and secrets but life has so much more for him in store. After he talked with the woman about his experience with his ex-Dom he didn't have to meet anyone else, didn't have to tell his story to another person. He even almost forgot about it if it wasn't for the email he got yesterday. It's just the confirmation that the problem had been handled.

No police involved, Yoongi's name hasn't been mentioned anywhere, there is nothing that could hint at him but they assured him that his ex-Dom wouldn't be able to enter a BDSM club ever again. Blacklisted not only in the clubs but also on official BDSM websites meant to help people find a partner with the same interests. Everywhere people were warned about him and it filled Yoongi's chest with a sense of – pride? Satisfaction?

Whatever it is it helped him finally getting a clean cut with his past. He's not over it, by far not. It's a part of him and will stay as that forever but that doesn't mean Yoongi has to actively include it in his present.

He shakes his head as he focuses back on the scene in front of him. It's something so familiar that it shouldn't feel strange for him to be sitting here. But it does. It does because there had been a time where it was familiar, where he never felt out of place in the apartment of his two best friends but so much happened in the last weeks that he almost forgot about them.

Well, not really but there have been other things on his mind than spending his time at his friend's apartment. And just like that, a situation that felt familiar is now almost foreign for him.

Seokjin just arrived, coming a bit later, face red from rushing because he spent the beginning of the day with his two boyfriends. The eldest settles on the couch to Yoongi's left, right next to Namjoon. It's subtle, almost non-existent but Yoongi notices it, notices the way Namjoon stiffens slightly, leans just barely away from Seokjin as the other presses close to him. Just like they usually do.

But just like Yoongi said. Once he solves one problem in his life another one arises. And this time it has nothing to do with himself or his relationship with Taehyung. This time it affects the friendship of the only people in Seoul who he could call family.

Yoongi noticed it right from the start. He noticed the way Namjoon would slowly, subtly – maybe even unconsciously push Seokjin away from him, would avoid direct contact with the other. He noticed how he would start to frown whenever any of them would mention Jungkook or Hoseok – especially if anyone would mention the relationship between those two and Seokjin.

Maybe he didn't understand what it meant at first. Why Namjoon would react that way but since this morning he does know.

He looks back at the other two on the couch, the uncomfortableness hasn't lasted for more than a second on Namjoon's face. In the next one, he's already leaning even closer to Seokjin than necessary and hugs him tight. A smile breaks out on Yoongi's face and even Seokjin's lips twitch up into a confused smile.

"What's that for?" He asks, laughing a bit awkwardly as he returns Namjoon's rare show of affection. It's not like the other never does it but physical affection is almost never initiated by him.

"I love you," Namjoon says, voice muffled against Seokjin's shoulder, "Your friendship means a lot to me."

"Is he dying?" The question is directed at Yoongi. "Is that why he's acting so weird?"

"No," He laughs, tugging his feet underneath his body as he shifts on the armchair, "He's okay. Appreciate his love."

The offended gasp leaving Seokjin's mouth along with the shocked expression on his face is almost too funny to watch. "Of course, I appreciate it! You – " He turns towards Namjoon, pushing him away so that they could look into each other's eyes before he speaks to him. "I love you too and I cherish our friendship a lot."

Yoongi leans back, averting his eyes from the intimate moment happening between his two best friends. It was hard watching how they started to drift apart because of Seokjin's relationship, without the eldest even noticing it at first.

Those two have a lot of history. Both being new to Seoul, meeting in high school and immediately kicking it off as friends. There have been so many hardships between them, weeks they spent hating the other, not speaking to each other while trying to hide that they missed the other by their side.

But in the end, they always found their way back to each other. Seokjin has been the first to know about Namjoon's asexuality, has always been there to help him through heartbreak after heartbreak. And Namjoon, Namjoon held Seokjin every time life became too much for the elder. Because while Seokjin looks like he's the personification of self-confidence there are moments in his life where this crumbles. Where everything seems to crumble around him. Because it took him years, so many years to build up this confidence and sometimes... sometimes it slips away.

Just for a second.

Because where Namjoon just couldn't help but give in to the voices of people telling him he's not normal, Seokjin couldn't always fight against the urge to constantly compare himself to everyone else around him. Compare himself, giving in to his insecurities and his confidence, that he worked so hard for, shatters into a million pieces.

These two need each other, need the friendship between them – the friendship that could also be described as brotherhood. And it pained Yoongi seeing how Namjoon couldn't accept Seokjin at first. How hard it was for him to understand that Seokjin hasn't magically changed overnight.

Yoongi's been at their apartment since the morning when it was only him and Namjoon. And only then did he really realize how far those two have already drifted apart.

"Is Seokjin still coming?" That's what Namjoon had asked him. The question, seemingly normal, made Yoongi feel like a bucket of ice-cold water had been dumped over his head. There were times where those two knew everything about the other's day and now, now they're living together and Namjoon doesn't have a clue where his roommate and best friend was.

That's what made Yoongi worry so bad.

"Yeah – he'll be a little late because of Hoseok and Jungkook," He had explained after a silence that had stretched a little too long for it to be normal.

"Ah."

"What?"

"Nothing." Namjoon, as smart as he is, had never been able to hide his emotions pretty well and Yoongi would rather talk about it with him first than to have him crush Seokjin once the elder would realize what his happening with their friendship. "I just..."

"You just what?" Yoongi had continued to push even after Namjoon had cut himself off. Seemingly lost with explaining what had actually bugged him about the whereabouts of Seokjin.

Namjoon had beaten around the bush for a long time until he finally said what Yoongi had feared right from the start. "I mean – just between you and me – don't you think it's at least a little weird?"

"What is?"

"The boyfriend-thing," Namjoon had finally admitted, "The thing between Jungkook, Hoseok, and Jin."

"You mean their relationship?"

"Yes, I mean – I'm happy that he's happy with them but I just think it's – weird. For three people to be in a relationship – don't you think it's weird?"

Even though Yoongi had expected the reason to be something like this, he had still wished it wouldn't have been what he already it was. But since the time Hoseok explained what Jungkook and he wanted from Seokjin and Yoongi saw the expression of – what was it? Something similar to – disgust? No, that word was too harsh but it was something close to disgust that had flickered over Namjoon's face back then. Since then he knew that the other seemed to have a problem with the relationship, he just never understood why.

But he had been intent on finding out this morning. "Why should I think it's weird?"

"The common relationship is between two individuals," Namjoon had tried to explain his point of view, "I couldn't imagine being in love or together with more than one person. I would constantly feel like I'm cheating on my partner if they're not the only person I have feelings for."

"Why?"

"I – well, I couldn't imagine myself being in his situation because I would feel weird."

"But this isn't about you," Yoongi had said. 'Me', 'me', 'me', 'me' – that's all Namjoon had to say but that is not a reason for him to suddenly think any less of Seokjin. There's a confusion between 'I don't want that for myself because I wouldn't like it' and 'No one should be like that because if it was me, I wouldn't like it.' That's not how it works.

"I get it that you don't understand it or that you don't want it for yourself but that doesn't make it weird," Yoongi had started to explain – had tried to make Namjoon see the mistake in his way of thinking, "You don't have to understand his point of view – you can't. There are things we don't understand in the world because we could only do that if we experienced them firsthand. I can never understand how it's like to be ace, you could never understand why I need the BDSM community so much – we can get close, of course. We can get pretty close to understand certain topics if we educate ourselves on them but we can never understand something that we haven't experienced firsthand to a hundred percent."

Yoongi remembers how the confusion on Namjoon's face slowly got replaced by guilt. The way he had averted his gaze, eyes directed to the floor, hands clenching at his side and teeth biting down on his bottom lip.

"Maybe we can't love more than one person, maybe we can't be in a relationship with more than one person but Seokjin can and he's happy. He's happy and still the same Seokjin from before and he accepted everything about us – so we can accept everything about him too, right?" Yoongi had asked, had hoped that Namjoon would get it, would understand where he went wrong. Because if he wouldn't, if he wouldn't then Yoongi couldn't help him. Couldn't help him save the friendship with Seokjin.

"We're his best friends and we should be happy for him, support him because, in the end, it doesn't matter who he loves. He's still our Kim Seokjin and even if it seems weird to you at first – it shouldn't change your opinion on him. And it definitely shouldn't impact your friendship in the long run."

"If you say it like that..." Namjoon hadn't looked up, hadn't tried to argue with Yoongi and that was when he knew. When he knew that Namjoon finally recognized his mistake. He had almost been able to see the cogs turning in his head from how hard he was thinking about what Yoongi just explained to him.

"He probably needs us and our support more than he lets on at the moment," Yoongi had continued. He hadn't been trying to make the other feel even guiltier than before. He just wanted him to understand that Seokjin is the one who needed their support now, their support in a matter that was still generally seen as weird by society. Just the way Yoongi needed their support because he was into BDSM and just like Namjoon needed their support because of his asexuality. Just like that, Seokjin needs them now.

"It's the first time he's in a polyamorous relationship, with a couple that has already been together before, it must be hard for him. He needs our support and acceptance – just like I did when I came out to you, just how you did when you opened up about your asexuality. He needs us just as much."

Yoongi is glad, watching them sitting so close to each other right now, that Namjoon has already changed his mind. And yeah, there was a bit of stiffness to him at the beginning but it's obvious that he understood his mistake and that he now, would do everything to support Seokjin just the way he needs it.

A chuckle tumbles over Yoongi's lips as he watches how both of them keep going back and forth between each other about how important they are for each other when Seokjin suddenly looks away. Before he could fully hide it though Yoongi already caught the shining in the other's eyes.

"Hey," He calls out, voice soft, not wanting to startle the eldest, "Is everything okay?"

Seokjin is nodding but there are tears starting to roll down his cheek. The playful atmosphere from before immediately shatters and Namjoon carefully puts his arm around the other's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Through quiet sniffles, Seokjin finally manages to get out a comprehensible sentence. "It's nothing – I shouldn't be sad about it," He says but it's obvious that he tries to downplay the issue. Of course, he is. That's what he always does. And even though he tries to convince himself it's nothing, he continues talking, "I just – it's Hoseok and Jungkook."

Namjoon immediately sits up, ready to pounce. "What did they do? I will punch them – both – if they hurt you."

"They didn't – don't hit them... it's my fault, actually," Seokjin sighs, burying his head in his hands, "It's my fault."

A pregnant silence stretches between the three. It feels like the same kind of silence that loomed above Yoongi and Namjoon during the morning when the younger tried to find the right words to explain why he found Seokjin's new relationship weird. But even though it feels similar – this silence feels even worse.

Namjoon and Yoongi both just watch quietly how Seokjin's shoulders shake, waiting for him to elaborate at his own pace. They don't want to push him.

"They've been a couple before me," Seokjin eventually says, wiping his cheeks free from tears as he glances at them. "I just – There are moments when I notice just how much they know each other and I get the feeling that I'm just – not really necessary. They've been – a couple before me and don't need me. They're a perfect couple without me and there are so many moments that prove that. They have so many insiders, they know everything about each other and they live together. I think I just feel left out."

He pauses, collecting his thoughts, taking a deep breath. "I'm just – sometimes I feel like I don't fit into their relationship. Like, we're together, we see each other, we talk to each other but I'm still left out. I'm just watching them through a wall of glass so it just seems like I'm with them but I don't really am."

The way he said it, the pain in his voice, the pain on his face – this is not something that happened suddenly. Seokjin didn't just wake up one day and felt like this. It must have been there right from the start, the doubt and his insecurities. Being with two people who already were a couple for who knows how long made his usual confidence fade away. And that's understandable.

Yoongi feels his own heart clench painfully at the sight of his best friend. And there is one thing, one thing that stood out to him about what Seokjin just told them. It was simple, so small that one might have missed it. But Yoongi noticed, he had noticed how Seokjin said 'their' relationship and not 'our'. Whether it was intentional or unconsciously doesn't matter. Just this simple wording perfectly reflects how Seokjin feels insecure in the relationship.

And that's sad. That's incredibly sad because Yoongi has seen how infatuated Hoseok is with him. Jungkook probably as well but Yoongi doesn't work with him, doesn't really speak to him in his free time but he sees Hoseok at work. And he hears the way the other talks about both of his boyfriends, with so much love and adoration. Hoseok even replaced the picture he had on his desk, the one where only his and Jungkook's hand was visible. Now there are three hands in the picture, all three wearing the same ring on their pointer fingers.

He wishes Seokjin would see how much the other two adore him and want him. Really want him.

But he could also understand where those doubtful feelings come from. Especially because Hoseok and Jungkook seem to be extremely close and the fact that they live together, constantly around each other while Seokjin only gets to visit them sometimes doesn't help him feel more secure in their relationship.

"Jinnie," Yoongi start but gets surprised when Namjoon suddenly interrupts him, talking over him with such passion that it surprises everyone in the room. While he talked this passionately about finding Seokjin's relationship weird this morning, he's now talking just like that trying to reassure him in it. It has just taken him a few hours to change his mindset which is – surprising. Even though Yoongi expected him to change his opinion, just not this fast.

Changes are always hard but for Namjoon, figuring things out and coming up with an opinion has never taken long. Sometimes that's good, like right now. But they wouldn't have had this conversation in the morning if he hadn't immediately stamped polyamorous relationships as weird.

"Of course, it will feel like this – like in any other relationship," Namjoon says carefully, "You're new and they're more familiar with each other which is absolutely normal. You will feel left out at the beginning because you three will have to get used to each other. Have you talked to them about it?"

A pout starts forming on Seokjin's lips as he avoids their gazes again. "I feel awkward telling them about my insecurities," He admits in a quiet whisper, "They try so hard to include me and I still feel left out a lot of times, even when I'm right there. I don't want them to feel bad just because I can't keep my insecurity in check."

"Communication is the only solution here," Yoongi pipes up.

"I know but I... I... There's no reason for me not to talk to them about it, right?" Seokjin asks, shaking his head as he seems to argue with himself.

"No," Namjoon answers, even though the question sounded more rhetoric than actually serious. "Just do it. You love them right?" Seokjin nods. "And they love you?" He nods again, a blush dusting his cheeks. "Then just talk to them and the situation will get better. You three will get used to each other over time, it just - it takes time. Trust in the love between you three."

Yoongi stares at the younger for a few seconds in stunned silence before he finds the ability to talk again. "That's a – a very mature thing of you to say." Considering your way of thinking in the morning, is what he silently adds in his head but doesn't say out loud. Seokjin doesn't have to know about that.

"Well, I am mature."

"Sometimes," Yoongi laughs. Soon it's all three of them laughing when Namjoon sticks his tongue out in his direction. Childish. Talk about being mature.

"Is anybody else up for group cuddles?" Yoongi asks after they all calmed down again. He only receives an enthusiastic nod from Seokjin before he's already throwing himself at them.

-o-

But just like Yoongi already said, solving one problem always makes room for another one.

Since he came clean about his past, life has felt a little lighter. He wakes up more often than not with a smile on his face instead of tiredness still dominating his mind. But there are still days where he feels like the whole world is out to fuck him over.

It was hard adjusting his relationship with Taehyung after he opened up about what happened to him. But they made it work, Taehyung made it work – just like he always does. He always has a trick up his sleeve, always knows how to solve matters. Yoongi still had to tell him a lot of times that his abusive past doesn't mean that he needs to be treated less – less rough during scenes. Taehyung needed to understand that Yoongi wanted to hurt sometimes. Needed to hurt, needed the pain, the degrading, needed someone to rip him apart and put him back together. And that what they have is nothing similar to the abuse he experienced before.

There is nothing between them anymore. No secrets, no untold stories, no white lies and that should be a good thing. It is. But it doesn't change the fact that Yoongi's mental health is a rollercoaster and over the past weeks, Yoongi has been on a high, waiting for the big drop to happen.

And it did happen.

The last few days were warning signs. Restlessness settling itself in the pit of his stomach, exhaustion wearing him down that couldn't be fixed by sleep alone. Yoongi doesn't know what it is that makes it so hard for him to focus, to calm down but there is something keeping his mind on edge every minute of the day. And he needs to change that.

He's the last to leave the office in the evening. At least his bag isn't heavy with files that still needed attention from him at home. He's staring at the street in front of him. A few people are walking outside, coming back from work, talking in groups or pairs. Cars on their way anywhere.

A plastic bag gets caught on his foot for a few seconds before it gets carried by the wind again. God knows where.

Yoongi walks down the stairs to the sidewalk on autopilot. His mind is whirring, spinning into overdrive and he couldn't even focus on the other people waiting for the bus with him. They're nothing more than faceless shadows around him as he continues staring at the empty can of some energy drink at the side of the street. When the bus finally arrives the can gets crushed under its wheels.

Like always, Yoongi pushes into the bus first, avoiding bumping into anyone as he hurries into the back where people usually don't crowd together. He squeezes himself against a window, letting his bag sitting on the seat next to him, hoping that no one would ask to sit with him. His brooding expression mostly keeps people away but sometimes a few try their luck despite that. And Yoongi isn't rude. Of course, he moves when someone needs to sit, it's just that he would like to postpone that for as long as possible.

It's later than usual. Yoongi doesn't recognize any of the other passengers like he usually does. Other people who get home around the same time as him.

Home.

Just the thought of arriving at his dark apartment with just the tall, suffocating walls to keep him company sounds more like torture. His skin is buzzing and he knows what he needs. With a quick glance around he makes sure that no one is around him before he gets his phone out.

There's a crack in the bottom left corner. Yoongi wanted to get it fixed but still hadn't found the time to. He tries not to look right there but the almost unnoticeable distortion of the display makes his skin crawl.

Me
Are you free?

Taehyung never takes long to answer his texts. It's like he's always waiting for Yoongi to message him. Warmth spreads through Yoongi's chest and replaces the nauseating feeling for a few seconds as he watches the three dots appear in the chat.

Taehyung
What do you need?

Yeah... What does he need? Yoongi doesn't really know either. All that he knows is that he's feeling like ripping his skin off. He feels like he needs to crawl out of his own body to get rid of the suffocating feeling inside of him. And he needs Taehyung to help him. Needs the younger to help him take in a breath again.

Me
Everything.

He hesitates for a second before sending the next message anyway.

Me
I'm on my way to your place already.

Taehyung doesn't send anything else but Yoongi knows that he's welcome to drop by. He's always welcome to come over and when he openly asks for 'everything' Taehyung always stops communicating with him. He lets him build up the anticipation of what is awaiting him at Taehyung's apartment.

Yoongi gets off a few stops early to change onto another line.

The way to Taehyung's apartment feels like it takes half a century and when Yoongi is finally in the elevator taking him up he's ready to burst. He doesn't dare to look at his own reflection in the mirror behind him, too afraid of what he might see.

His hand trembles as he raises it to knock on Taehyung's door. He could hear shuffling, could see the shadow of Taehyung's feet from under the door but it doesn't open. This is another one of his games. Yoongi knows it as he lets his head fall forward, forehead pressing against the cool surface of the door. He knows Taehyung is watching him. Knows about the security camera letting the younger always see who is at his door. And he knows what he is waiting for.

Goosebumps rise all over Yoongi's arms and he bites his bottom lip, trying to prevent it from trembling uncontrollably. A shaky breath leaves his lips as he presses the flat of his hand against the door.

"Please let me in," Yoongi says, loud enough so that Taehyung would hear it, "Sir."

The lock clicks and Yoongi stumbles a bit when the door finally opens. He's not even able to get a good glance at Taehyung before he lets himself fall to his knees right in front of the other. Taehyung doesn't say anything.

Yoongi stares at his feet. They're bare. Like always. Taehyung hates wearing shoes, even socks annoy him sometimes and every time he is in the confines of his own four walls he's walking around barefoot, even in Yoongi's apartment. They even went out on a picnic date where Taehyung spent the whole time barefoot, only putting on his shoes on their way to the park and on the way home.

With a shaky intake of breath Yoongi tilts his head up, tears already brimming in his eyes as he stares at Taehyung's face. His head hurts, hurts so much from suppressing the urge to cry for the whole day. Not only that. It hurts since he failed to fall asleep in the past days. Of course, he caught a few hours every night but sleep hasn't been coming to him and he doesn't know why. Nothing would help. Nothing but hopefully Taehyung.

"Tell me what you need." His deep voice is all that Yoongi needs to let himself start to slip into his headspace. Combined with the fingers running through his hair he starts trembling lightly, letting go of the tension in his body.

"Put me to sleep," Yoongi whispers, the first tears trailing down his cheeks as he finally breaks free from the pressure around him. "Break me down. Help me fall asleep – make me cry."