"I'm sorry for your loss,Mr.Singh."
I lost my count about how many times I have listened these words today.

Sorry for my loss...huh..do they even understand what I had lost?...what I am going through?

I looked around,everyone was grieving but I could easily say... no one can understand my pain beside my wife who too had lost him... who is going through the same pain like me.

I looked at her, she was sitting...her face was emotionless, ladies beside her were consoling her but I could tell she was not here, she was not listening to what they are saying...her body , mind and soul were not here... she was sitting like a stone not even in a state to cry... anyone could tell that she was in great trauma...in a great shock. My eyes got filled seeing her in this condition but I can't even console her by saying,
"Everything will be fine."
Because I know...now nothing could be fine...no one can change, what had happened... no one can bring him back.

Our son, Rahul.

I can't even cry, I have to be strong for my wife... she needs me. I had failed as a father but I can't fail as a husband too."
I said to myself.

A tear escapes from my eyes and someone again came and said,
"Sorry for your loss."
And patted my shoulder and left, I just closed my eyes to control the anger and the tears...huh...like they even understand.
I just wanted to tell them... please stop feeling sorry for me and my wife.

Slowly, everyone went giving their condolence.

My wife was still sitting in that position.
I thought ,it's good....Angel is not here.
Angel, our second child.I still don't know what we will tell her when she would ask about her elder brother.

Sighing, I again turned my attention towards my wife but she was not there, I got scared. My mind started thinking about the worst scenarios... she is very sensitive...she can't handle this much of pain, I ran to find her.

Finally after searching the whole house, I found her in our son's room...she was talking to Rahul's photo, my eyes got filled with tears...this time I didn't stop them from spilling.

I went towards her and sat beside her.
She didn't acknowledged me...she kept on talking to Rahul's photo.
Why he left us?...that she was sorry, she didn't know he was going through soo much pain, that she was a bad mother.She asked him to come back and punish her.
I just listened to her talks and closed my eyes.

How this all happened? It was not supposed to happen...we were soo happy back then...then what happened...why ?

Was I soo ignorant that I didn't saw my child pain...his fears. Today, I failed...I failed as a father...why didn't I saw it before?
I thought fully frustrated and angry with myself.

"Why...why didn't he talked to me?"
"Maybe he was scared...how will I react?"
My inner voice answered my question.

It was all my fault, if I had been a loving and understanding father, rather than a strict and dominating one, he would have told me about his fears...about his problems...about the stress...about the pressure he was having these day.
I scolded myself.

If only, I didn't pressurized him to be good in everything...to be number one at everything...to be the special one...to be the one who is best in everything.
How come I didn't know that he was under so much pressure... whenever I would told him to do your best...he would simply smile at me and say,

"Don't worry dad,I will not disappoint you....I will make you proud...I will try my best."
And how I would scold him.
"What try...you have to be best, understand."

Crying,I thought.
"If only I had said that day
It's okay son, I know you will try your best but don't worry whatever would be the result you will always be the best for me.
If only, I had supported him instead of pressurising him to get good marks...to top in his final exams...if only I had understood him."

Sighing and wiping my tears,I saw my wife she was still talking to Rahul's photo and was crying.
I got up and went to our room, sat on the bed and took out a letter from the side drawer.

It was Rahul's letter, his last letter.

The letter in which he had written all about his worries, his fears, his ambitions. He wrote about me, how he was scared of me...how he wanted to make me happy...how he tried his best but couldn't succeed...how he wanted me to appreciate him...his efforts, how he wanted me to support him,to be with him...how he complained to his mother for not understanding his pains...for not taking his side in front of me...for not saving him from my scolding...how he was sorry that he disappointed us...how pressurized he felt that he didn't do his best in the exams...how he failed us...how he wanted to be free and that he only have one option left and that he didn't blame us that we shouldn't cry when he will be gone...that it was not our mistake...but his.
He had written that it was his fault that he disappointed us and can't face us and said sorry....he asked for our forgiveness.
That he loves us soo much.

After reading his letter again, I cried really hard. Maybe my wife must have heard my voice, but I didn't care...I was in pain... in guilt. I just wanted to kill myself for doing this to our son.

I still remember the first time I had hold him in my arms...how I was so scared...how I learnt everything for him...how I wanted to be the best father for him, so that whenever he would looked at me...his face will glow with pride.

But I failed...I failed miserably.

"I'm sorry, Rahul...Dad is soo sorry...why didn't you told me before?Why, you were tolerating everything?...you should have just told me once, why you have to take this big step?...you didn't love your parents. We just wanted the best for you son... that's why, I was a little strict but I love you soo much, always and ever. Sorry son, please forgive me. It was not your fault son... it was your dad's fault... please forgive me."
I said looking towards the letter.

I cried and cried... and don't know when I slept.

When I opened my eyes, it was dark outside. I looked around, my wife was not in our room maybe she was still in Rahul's room.

I was still holding the letter, I kept that letter in the cupboard and went to check on my wife as expected she was in our son's room... sleeping and holding Rahul's picture.

I felt guilty and sad, seeing her in this condition... what was her fault that she has to go through this much of pain... pain of losing her child.

"How will I face her...I know...she will not say but she blame me for our son's death and she should blame me...I am at fault...I didn't even deserve her forgiveness."
I thought.

Slowly, I went towards her and tried to wake her but she didn't woke up. I hold her hand and got shocked, her body was burning with fever.

I got scared...scared to lose my loved ones once again. I picked her and make her slept on the bed and called the doctor.

Doctor came and checked my wife, he gave her injection and some medicines and strictly told me to not let her take any stress, she needs complete bed rest and he went from there saying,
"I heard what happened... sorry for your loss, Mr.Singh."
I just nodded and he left.

I sat beside my wife, holding her hand. I kissed her forehead.

She slightly stirred and woke up.
We both stared at each other and suddenly, she hugged me and started crying, I too didn't control my tears.

We cried...we grieved...we mourned,
for our son's death.

Feeling a little light, we stopped crying. I said sorry to her but she shooked her head and said,

"It was not only your fault, love. It was our fault...we failed as parents. He must hated us soo much that, he did this and left us."
She cried and hide her face in my chest.

I stroked her hair and said,
"No, you are wrong dear. He loved us, he cared for us but I put soo much pressure on him to be the best that to make me happy...he just tolerate everything alone.
I should not have pressurized him. I'm sorry dear, I failed as a father maybe as a husband too. I'm really sorry, please forgive me."
And I cried and hugged her tightly.

This time, she consoled me and said,
"You are a great father, dear. You just wanted our son to be best maybe your way to do that was not right and it was not your fault alone, I am at fault too.
Stop crying, please."

I just nodded and tell her to take rest, she asked me to take rest too.

I kissed her forehead and just smiled she too smiled. However, we both were grieving but, we still felt a little light after talking with each other.

My wife slept but I was still lost in my thoughts.
"I'm sorry Rahul...my son. Sorry, for being so bad father to you. Hope you will forgive me, I'm sorry... you would have been with us.
If only, I had told you that it's okay to be ordinary... it's okay to not be"the best", it's okay to lose sometimes, it's okay if you feel defeated, it's okay if you didn't make it up to it that how much you have tried more matters than anything else. If only, I had supported you instead of pressurising you...you would have been here... but please remember son... I love you always and ever."

And I slept hugging my wife...hope Rahul would forgive me and maybe I would forgive myself one day too.

Rahul had taught me a lesson...a life lesson.

It's okay to be ORDINARY, it's okay to not be the special one, it's okay to lose sometimes...as, how much you have tried matters the more.