Garrett: We're not open. Can I help you? He's alive?!

Dipper: (They walk over to him) Yes. Hi. We're looking for Ed Mulgrave. I wanted to introduce these people to him.

Mabel: Hi there.

Dipper: He came to see me this morning.

Garrett: Ed Mulgrave?

Dipper: Yes.

Garrett: But Ed Mulgrave died 15 years ago.

Neil: Yes! That's awesome!

Dipper: What?

Neil: Dead for 15 years! Ed's a ghost! Ha! Knew it!

Dipper: I just saw him today... (Sees Ed Mulgrave, the person he just talked to) Oh. He's... So, who is this?

Garrett: That's Ed's son. Ed Junior.

Dipper: Okay. That's obviously who I meant. That's...

Norman: Hi, Junior. If I may, uh, when is the last time the paranormal entity was actually seen? And if you were to rank it, let's say between probably a T1 and T5...

Mulgrave: Garret here saw it on Tuesday, and I believe it made him soil himself.

Garrett: Jesus.

Mabel: Wow. Soiling. I'd put that at a T3.

Raz: T4, if it was poop.

Garrett: What?

Raz: Unless you ate something weird. Then it wasn't the ghost. Kinda hard to suss that out after the fact though.

Garrett: I didn't soil myself.

Mulgrave: He did. He called me sobbing, saying, "Oh, my God, my pants are toast."

Dupper: Okay. All right.

Lili: I'd love to get that back to the lab.

Dipper: Well, uh, so I have made the introduction.

Garrett: Yeah, thank you.

Mabel: All right, well, how 'bout you take us across the street. We got to get in there, set up. Let's go on a tour.

(He throws the keys on the street)

Norman: Uh...

Garrett: You're gonna die in there.

(They look freaked out)

(A few minutes later, they're setting up the equipment)

Raz: (holding a camcorder) Northwest Mansion. Take one. And we are rolling.

Norman: (using a PKE meter) Checking the settings. We look good.

Dipper: What is that? Looks like one of those things that makes cotton candy.

Mabel: That's what I said!

Norman: It's a PKE meter. There's a ghost anywhere around here, and this baby's gonna find it.

Dipper: Does it work?

Lili: Uh, yeah, it works. We just haven't had the appropriate proximity to an entity for it to work.

Norman: (He walks up to the basement door) Strange reading here.

Raz: (Points the camera at Dipper) Sir, can you tell us where you got the world's tiniest bow tie?

Dipper: Uh, it came with the shirt.

Lili: (Messes around with a lock on the door) Okay, somebody really doesn't want us getting in that door.

Raz: Mr. Pines. Can you tell us what it's like to walk around in those shoes all day?

Dipper: It's not fun.

Raz: All right.

(Dipper steps in goo, and then he turns around to see the door opens behind him)

Dipper: All right. Good gag. (He walks off, and finds them by another exhibit)

Neil: (to Raz) Hey, are you getting that?

Dipper: Very funny. Is everything a joke to you guys?

Mabel: Just yo mama!... No, actually, she's also my mama. I think the world of mom.

Dipper: You guys put all that gooey stuff on the floor. You opened the basement door. You tried to freak me out.

Norman: We did not open the basement door... (They turn around to sees that the basement door is open) Basement door is open.

Mabel: I didn't open it. Did you guys open it?

Lili: I did not open it.

Neil: Neither did I.

Raz: Don't look at me.

Dipper: You know what, it was probably Ed. And the guy who didn't poop his pants.

Norman: Uh-uh-uh-uh. Look over there. (He points to them outside) (The PKE meter spins like crazy) I didn't even know it did that.

(A beeping noise is heard)

Norman: Oh. Ah. I... My ears just...

Dipper: Mine just popped, too.

Lili: That is definitely...

Dipper: An AP-xH shift.

Lili: Don't finish my sentences.

Mabel: (She wotices an ominous blue glow) Uh, guys? I don't think we're alone.

Norman: Holy crap. Let me have the camera. (Raz hands him the camera) Thank you. Okay.

(A crunching noise...... Raz is eating Pringles chips from the can)

Lili: How can you be eating right now?

Raz: Just try saying no to these salt and vinegar ships.

(The ghost of Indiana Northwest comes from the basement and floats over to them)

Lili: ... Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Dipper: Good God.

Norman: Class 4 apparition. Distinct human form.

Mabel: I feel like I'm gonna cry, laugh, and tinkle at the same time.

Dipper: This can't be happening.

Raz: Oh, it's happening, all right. That's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. (Lili punches him) Second to you.

Dipper-I'm gonna try to talk to it. (He walks up to the ghost)

Raz: Just be careful, she could be malevolent.

Dipper: Yeah, just make sure you're recording it.

Norman:!Yeah, I'm getting it all.

Dipper: Okay.

Lili: Just be cautious. I think he wants to communicate with us.

Norman: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Dipper: ... It's okay. He seems peaceful. Hello...

Mabel: I think you're gorgeous!

Dipper: Hello. Hi. Um, my name is Dipper Pines, Doctor of Particle Physics at Columbia...

(The ghost of Indiana spits ectoplasm all over Dipper)

Dipper: Oh, God!

(He flees the scene)

Lili: He's getting away! Come on!

(They run out the mansion and see the ghost flying all over the place)

Neil: Where'd it go? Where'd it go?

Mabel: There!

(The ghost flies away)

Dipper: What just happened? Norman, Mabel, what just happened?

Mabel: I'll tell you what just happened... We saw a ghost!

Dipper: ... We saw a ghost!

Norman: Yeah, we saw a ghost! All of us! I see ghosts all time, but this is insane! All of us saw it!

Dipper: We saw a ghost! Oh, my God! It's been so long!

Lili: We saw a ghost! We're back, baby!

Neil: Mystery Kids!

Raz: We were right! We weren't crazy! It's not just Gravity Falls! It's everywhere!

(Back at the college, Filmore is showing Dipper the video of him, Norman, Mabel, Neil, Lili, and Raz celebrating)

(Video) Dipper: Ghosts are real! I believe in ghosts 'cause I just saw one! They're real!

Dipper: ... Who is that?

Filmore: Dr. Bronstein saw this on Reddit.

Dipper: Hmm.

Filmore: It was re-blogged from a site entitled Ghost News. Not a publication I'd heard of. I hope you understand that when we give someone tenure...

Dipper: Oh, I accept your tenure.

Filmore: When we give someone tenure, they represent this institution. But this is just not what this institution is about...

Dipper: (walking down the hall with a box full of his stuff) Dr. Pines. Hello. Just moving offices. You know. They found a couple cats in the wall. Really stunk in there. Glad I'm getting out. I didn't get fired!

At the Institute: Lab

Dipper: I got fired! Fired! After years, years of hard work. And ass-kissing. God, I kissed so many different kinds of asses.

Mabel: Dip, we're sorry that you lost your job. But, I mean, there is kind of a glass is half full thing of it. I mean, we saw a real ghost. You know, and he was beautiful.

Raz: Till he dislocated his jaw and ecto-projected all over you.

Mabel: Yeah, that stuff went everywhere, in every crack. I saw it.

Norman: But, I got to say, even that was kind of spectacularly beautiful.

Dipper: I did detect a heavy ionization discharge. I mean, I could smell it.

Norman: A full-torso transmogrification with corporeal aggression. I mean, how often does that happen? I mean, they want us to be quiet about that? We are not gonna be quiet about that. And it's not just us. We have over 100 comments already. And they're not all crazies. Come here, I want to show you this. (takes him to the computer) Read that.

Dipper: "Ain't no stupid kids gonna hunt no ghosts."

Lili: Oh, no, no. Okay. The one below it. This woman is describing a Class 3 haunting in her house. She can't just move. She can't call the police. She can't call her friends. Who's she gonna call?

TV: Ghost Jumpers!

Announcer: Tonight, the Ghost Jumpers make contact with the ghost of Bigfoot.

Norman: God! These phonies! I mean, you know what? These guys are the reason you got fired. It's because of stuff like this that makes it impossible for us to do our real work. This cannot be the best option for people. Okay, we are on the cusp of something here, a real discovery. Unlike Columbia, this institute is 100% behind us.

Dipper: Really?

Norman: Dipper, this is what we have been doing since we were kids! Remember? When we took down the Beldam, a-and we went through that mirror and we saw our worst nightmares? Then beat Dr. Loboto? I know that if you come and join us here, they are gonna be so pumped! We just have to go upstairs and ask for more money.

Dean's office

Dean: I just honestly didn't realize your department still existed.

Lili: What?

Dean: Come on, ghosts? I will not let the 12-year reputation of this fine institution be besmirched by you!

Lili: Oh, come on! Suddenly this place has a classy reputation to uphold? You're only dean now because the last dean went to jail!

Dean: Are you saying that I'm not qualified?

Norman: You spell science with an Y. And what's upsetting about that is, I don't think you know that that's wrong.

Dean: This is an institution of higher learning. And if you guys want to study "ghosts," do it somewhere else, because I have two words for you.

Dipper: Let me guess, "Get out"?

Lili: No, he's gonna say "suck it."

Dipper: He's not gonna say "suck it."

Dean: Suck it.

Dipper: You were right.

Dean: You know...Oh, my gosh. I think it might be a ghost. Oh, no, it's not. (gives them the finger) It's just a bird. Bye. (points the door) There's the door. Later. Can you hear this? Let me turn it up. (spins his hands as if it was a volume knob, whistling as he does so)

Mabel: Oh, my God. This is incredibly immature behavior.

(The dean mimicks blowing his hand as if it was a balloon... and shows the finger again)

Dean: Caught it.

(Outside, they're wheeling away their ghost hunting equipment)

Norman: Just a minor setback.

Dipper: You know what, guys? I think we can really do this. We can become the first scientists to prove the existence of the paranormal. All we have to do is find an entity and capture it and bring it into a controlled environment. That's all!

Norman: Hey! There's the Dipper we all remember! The one obsessed with the journals! The one who wore the same outfit everyday for three months! Welcome back!

Dipper: Thank you.

Lili: Nice. Okay, we should probably get this equipment out of here. They're gonna want it back.

Neil: I thought this stuff was yours and Raz's.

Raz: All stolen.

Dipper: No...

Dean: Hey! That worthless garbage belongs to this school!

Lili: RUN!

Raz: Go, go, go, scatter!

(They run away before the Dean can catch them)