Naina

Shame ran through me like a cold, unrelenting wave. It was true. I had been with Advik the way a wife should be with her husband, and then married Zayne. And I had shamelessly allowed Zayne to touch me just last night.

I couldn't get up. There were voices all around me, but I was utterly alone.

I remembered clearly the video Umma had come across. We had deactivated our Instagram account, but things on the internet remain on the internet in ways we wouldn't have foreseen.

We were doing a cover for our Instagram account. We usually recorded, edited, and then lip-synced. But this time, we were recording just to listen to ourselves, to identify areas of improvement.

Adi was playing the guitar. I sat perpendicular to him on a stool. Between the chorus, I leaned in and gave him a peck on his lips. He lowered his guitar, cradled the back of my head, and kissed my lips. It was a long, lingering kiss. The angle didn't show our lips meet, but it was obvious what we were doing.

This had been our only post with PDA in it, and Adi posted it, captioning it, "When your best friend kisses you." #KissYourBestFriendChallenge. We had already been a couple at the time. I had been irritated when he posted it. I hadn't told my parents yet, and the video had gone viral.

We hadn't expected that level of response, and we removed the video within a week. But here it was, resurfacing like an unwanted ghost.

And when Umma showed me the video, I had whispered Adi's name like a prayer.  Of course she'd slap me.

As I lay on the floor, no tears came. I just closed my eyes and imagined Adi kissing me, telling me that we were going to be okay, that we were forever. I imagined how it felt when I had been in his arms at night, when he would kiss me tenderly, hold me, and whisper how much he loved me over and over until I fell asleep. I remembered how he felt inside me, how his eyes never left mine when we became one. He was mine, and I was his. What was I doing here?

What was I doing with Zayne? I would never belong to him. I would never accept him. I wanted my Adi. I needed my Adi.

Images of Adi flooded my mind, each one more vivid than the last. Adi telling me he loved me. Adi singing with me. Adi asking me to marry him. Adi kissing my belly when my pregnancy test was positive. Adi asking me to run away with him.

The depth of my longing for him was unbearable. I didn't want to get off the floor. The pain from the slap was nothing compared to the pain searing through me, tearing me apart. It was agony—the agony I had suppressed for months, now crashing over me like relentless waves. And only Adi could take away this pain. I needed him.

I slowly picked myself up. I would speak to Adi. I would tell him how much I missed him. I would beg him to take me back. But Zayne? I couldn't think about Zayne. He would be better off without me.

Muslim marriages couldn't be annulled even if they weren't consummated, but I could give him khula – a divorce sought by the wife. Tears finally pricked my eyes, the floodgates barely holding back the torrent of emotions.

I felt Zayne's arms envelop me, his embrace warm and comforting, but I pushed him off gently, my heart breaking even more.

"I didn't hit her that hard," I heard Zayne's mother say. "She is just acting. You know what Mohammed Nabi  (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said the punishment is for fornicators? A hundred lashes."

"Allah is forgiving, Umma, Merciful. All He seeks is repentance. He is the only one to judge, not you or me. He is the only one who has seen her heart. And He has made it my duty as her husband to protect her," I heard Zayne tell his mother, his voice soft but firm.

So that's what he saw me as too. A fornicator, a sinner. But if he saw my heart, he would never forgive me. Because I didn't repent. I didn't regret anything but leaving Advik. I wiped my eyes, urgency flooding my veins. I needed to get out of here. I couldn't spend four more days in this house, suffocating under their judgment.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Zayne was on the floor kneeling next to me. He deserved better. He deserved someone kind, someone pure.

"You are the purest thing in my life, princess. You are my light, my angel, my little piece of heaven."

I sniffed. How did I become this? I wiped my tears. Zayne shouldn't suffer because of me. I should never have entered into marriage with him. How had I thought it would all be okay?

"I'll leave," I said softly, and Zayne looked at me, stricken.

"I told you not to marry her," Umma shouted at Zayne. "She has come to destroy our family. Our honor."

I stood up, finding some semblance of courage. "Zayne and I haven't been together. He is still chaste. I'll... I'll..."

Zayne stood up and walked away. The room fell silent, the only sounds were Zayne's footsteps, the ceiling fan, and the distant rustling of leaves in the wind.

I made my way to Zayne's room, my heart heavy with the decision I had to make. I hadn't unpacked my bags much; it wouldn't take long to leave. Advik and I deserved each other, for better or worse.

Faintly, as though a movie playing in the background, I felt Adi's hand across my face. I felt him push me to the floor, lift me up by my shoulders, and push me down again.

Sinner. Fornicator.

Az-zāniyatu wazzānī fajlidū kulla wāḥidin minhumā mi'ata jaldah.
The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes.

Though I was aware of the verses that prescribed punishments, this wasn't the Islam I was taught. The Islam my parents taught me was a religion of peace, the Quran serving as a guideline and a reference.

Didn't the very first chapter of the Quran say that while some of its verses were precise, others were allegorical, to be interpreted with an understanding of the historical and situational context?

It was a religion of mercy and forgiveness, of love and understanding, of freedom and choice. Not of fear and strict punishment.

Yet, I had deviated so far from my religion, I couldn't seek comfort in it. My prayers that once gave me strength and comfort now filled me with dread.

I was lost, confused. No one could save me. Not even God.

As I packed my things, tears streamed down my face. Each item I stuffed into my bag felt like a token of failure. I had failed Zayne, failed Adi, and I had failed myself.

"Naina," Zayne's voice reached me again, this time right behind me. I didn't look at him. "I'm hurting, Naina."

I was hurting him. What else was new?

"You asked me not to leave you," he said, his voice breaking.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I zipped up my bag.

"Naina..." His voice trailed off. "Don't leave me. Please."

Tears fell silently down my face. Why did he want me? Why did he want this life with me? I had nothing to give him. I said nothing but sat on the bed.

He said nothing either, but sat by the window.

I picked up my phone and looked for flights back to Mangalore. I felt his eyes on me, heavy with sadness and desperation.

"Naina, can we at least talk?" he asked softly, breaking the silence between us. "Can you just give me that?"

I paused, my fingers hovering over the screen. The pain in his voice tugged at a part of my heart that wanted nothing but his happiness.

"Zayne, there's nothing to talk about," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "I don't belong here. I'm just causing hurt—for you, for your family, for myself."

"Our marriage, it means something." he insisted. "It means we should fight for each other. We should fight for us."

"What is there to fight for?" I replied, my voice cracking under the weight of my emotions. "We started on the broken pieces of my past. How can we build anything on that?"

Zayne stood up and walked over to me and gently took my hands, forcing me to look into his eyes. "I believe in us, Naina. There is a reason we are together. I love you, Naina."

I pulled my hands away, "I don't love you, Zayne and I will never love you." I needed to hurt him so he would let me go.

"But you do!" he said with a small smile, his eyes filled with a maddening certainty.

"You are delusional," I retorted, my voice rising. I was angry at myself, at my helplessness, at the world, at God.

"There's only one delusional person in this room, Naina, and it's not me," he said lightly.

Irrational anger gripped me. Was I not just a sinner now? Was I crazy too? I took my backpack and flung it across the room. Zayne flinched but didn't back down.

"Do you remember how we would stay back after duty in the hospital during COVID, just so we could spend time together? Do you remember telling me that I was the reason you felt like you could face the day?"

I looked at him, memories flooding back. I remembered how we leaned on each other while death, fear, and uncertainty surrounded us. How uncomfortable the gowns and masks were in the heat. How we would have to break the news to families about the death of their loved ones. And how he was the only light in my life during those days. Not Advik. Zayne.

"Do you remember how you texted me in your second year saying you missed me and that you felt lost without me?"

He had been my mentor, my friend, my rock. When he had moved to Manipal, I had felt like a part of me was missing.

"Do you remember last year when I told you how amazing you were?"

It was vague but I knew exactly what he was talking about. He had told me that he didn't think Advik was right for me. He had told me that I should be with someone who saw me the way he did. And he had placed his hand on my cheek, lifting my face to his. I remembered how wildly my heart had fluttered before I caught myself and moved away.

"Do you remember how you asked me to hold you when you had lost your... your pregnancy?"

Maybe Advik had been right, he had seen what I had refused to see.

"I see how he looks at you, like he wants to fuck your brains out. And you act like you want it."

But we had been friends, hadn't we? Zayne had taken care of me, had accepted me as I was, had guided me. With Zayne, I didn't have to watch myself with him. I didn't have to be the responsible one. I could be myself.

"What if it's you and him, Nia, and I'm the one standing in the way?"

"Don't leave me, Naina..." he begged, his voice breaking with emotion.

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Thank you for reading.

Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza